The last page on our 2011 calendar features a kitty in a Santa hat. All the other pages feature other types of cats, too. This means that November is over and while I did not sign up for NaBloPoMo, I tried to make an effort to post more, across all my blogs. I was pretty successful and even though I didn’t post nearly close to every day on Her Realm, I posted a lot more. It felt good.
I’ve been mulling over this post in my head for a while because.. I don’t know if anyone will read it and I don’t know if it will leave an impression on those who do. But it’s important to me and I still rely on the validation of others just enough that the idea that it will go un-noticed and that’s kind of precisely what this post is about.
You see, I started this blog as a cry for help. I was angry and hurting and frustrated and confused and I was never taught how to express that and I had a hard time reaching out to those who cared about me the most, when they were even around. I desperately wanted someone to see that. I needed someone to understand that I was not okay and I wished that my blog would make someone force through my walls, break them down to get to me. And, as much as I wanted someone to reach out, I still strangely veiled my feelings. I was passive aggressive, vague and cryptic about my feelings. I put up another wall even as I tried to reach out.
I purposefully sent my friends and family to my blog and when people would ask how I was, I would send them here. When I look back at some of my archives, I am so sad that anyone could ever feel that way. Reading those words brings up the feelings and I hate that they ever exist. No one should ever feel that way but I did.
If I read long enough, though, I will see a change. I will see happiness emerge here and there. I see the struggles of a long term relationship but I see the happiness I felt at having found my one. I’ll see the frustration at growing up, moving away from the people I love. I’ll see the emergence of maturity and understanding. Skip ahead a couple years and I see the acceptance of my divorce and the sheer will power it took to finally change some of those awful habits and attitudes that made me unhappy for so long. There’s a period of time where I feel like I only tried to express positivity and there’s a lot of talk about the progress I made. There’s pride. And hope.
It has been difficult to keep up that positivity this year. There’s been new stresses, many of which related to finances, work and sharing a home with another person. There’s also been a lot of things I’ve crossed off the bucket list I didn’t even know I had and I think the more recent entries express the things I’ve gotten to do and the people I’ve been able to spend time with. I’ve unlearned bad habits and tried to connect more fully with those I care about, without a crutch. I’ve become more open about myself, some might argue too open about some things. I’m not constantly looking over my shoulder, afraid that people will discover something unseemly about me.
The more recent entries have been more balanced, I think. There’s been some serious, personal topics but there’s been humor and pictures of cats and I’ve felt comfortable enough to be more opinionated than I have been (although, not as opinionated as I once was).
So this blog did not do what I expected it to. In the end, I’ve had to be far more direct to connect with those around me and, sadly, I spent far too long in a dark place. But this blog has helped, slowly. It connected me with other people, new people. It helped me to feel not quite so alone and it gave me a place to vent, to joke, to think and to express myself where one otherwise did not exist. Finally, it has come to a place that I will not be ashamed or sad or frustrated to look back upon in the future.
It’s funny how life gives us what we need when we’re too busy working about what we think we want.
