2011 went out with a fizzle, not a bang, and so 2012 doesn’t quite feel like it’s here. Nothing really marked the end of my year in a noticeable way so it’s hard to believe this could be the year that the world ends — ha!

I do like to have something to get me in the mindset of the new year. Perhaps I just need to make a more dedicated effort next year to end my year with loved ones and maybe even a New Year’s kiss. ;)

Part of me is sad to see 2011 end because it was the best year of my life and a small part of me is worried that 2012 will not live up to it, especially considering how much I’ve been battling my anxiety lately.

Still, I bet this year will be pretty rawrsome either way.

Things have been happening.. around me, not to me, just around me.

I enjoyed a drama-free Christmas. It wasn’t quite like when I was younger but it was nice. No fighting, no big problems. I was pleasantly surprised. We exchanged presents and enjoyed food and played games. I stayed at my uncle’s well after everyone else had left, chatting with him and his wife. There was some definite low-key awesomesauce going on.

On Christmas Eve, my sister’s grandmother was admitted to the hospital. This isn’t out of the normal as her health has been failing because of her diabetes for some time. She’s in and out of the hospital all of the time. Things weren’t looking good but I didn’t think it was any worse. Last night, my sister called me in tears about how sick her grandma was and Mom said her husband had gone to the hospital. Samantha quickly cheered up, as kids do, and I hung up.

I texted Mom a little bit later to ask her something unrelated. Her reply said her mother in law seemed to be doing better but, apparently, she died a short time later. I woke up to several texts from Samantha about her grandma dying but, by the time I woke up, they were already at the hospital with my mom who underwent a hysterectomy today. That went well, as we had reassured her and she’s spending the night.

I went up to the hospital today to see Mom and Samantha and Mom was incredibly funny because of her drugs. She was enjoying her alone time and being able to sleep, however. I took some time to talk to Samantha who seems to be doing incredibly well with this all. I don’t know how.

So, as you can see, I’m surrounded by activity that doesn’t directly affect me. I’m just trying my best to be there for everyone right now and hopefully I’m not failing.

I don’t know why but I constantly forget how significant certain things are when it comes to my mood. Being well rested, fed and clean among them. In hindsight, those are pretty significant things on that pyramid of survival — you know the one I mean, even if I forget the name — and I’m sure everyone agrees about food and sleep, even if I’m more of a clean freak than others. Still, I will let myself be hungry for hours or prolong my shower, even though dealing with those things right now will make me feel a million times better even if nothing else about my day changes.

And it’s ridiculous because every time I finally do eat or sleep or shower or decide to pop some medicine to kill that headache, I’m like “oh my god! I feel so good. Why did I wait to do that? What is wrong with me?” My productivity shoots through the roof, my mood elevates and everything is all fine and dandy until the next time I feel hunger or the next morning when I put off my shower.

I am weird, man.

I wish I could say that I’m not afraid to be the dissenting voice but it’s not entirely true. I will speak up when I feel I should but I fear.. retribution. This is largely due to the fact that my ex-husband avoided conflict in any form, even when avoidance was actually more of a problem than whatever the conflict would be but it’s also due to certain online communities refusing to ever mutter a discouraging word. Coincidentally, I was the voice of dissent on someone else’s blog today and she deleted the post and comment. I have strong feelings about avoiding criticism and conflict and I shall list them here because a list is the only way this post won’t be ridiculously confusing.

•  There is no rule that says you have to be nice on the Internet. While this means you can get away with being a douchebag, it also means that people are going to occasionally treat you like crap. We’ve all experienced it and, no, it’s not fun but that’s the reality of it.
• But just because you can be a dick without getting your ass pounded or are anonymous on the Internet doesn’t mean you have to be. You can still be a decent person when it calls for.
• People won’t always heed the previous so you should surround yourself with people who are supportive.
• But you should avoid only communicating with those who put a positive spin on everything because honestly is necessary. It may be uncomfortable but dissent and criticism promote growth, whether it’s improving upon a product after a less than thrilled review, becoming a bigger person, redesigning a website, learning to communicate better with your partner or working to better your customer service. Without conflict, no matter the degree, we’d all be stuck in the same place forever.
• And avoiding conflict may put off that momentary discomfort but will make you miserable all the time. It will also ruin your relationships. Fact. Marriages where the couple fall into the pursuer-withdrawer roles usually end within 5 years. Mine did. Ha!
• No one wants to be the voice of dissent, either. Even when I know I’m right, I’m worried about what people will say, if I’ll get attacked because I don’t agree or if someone might delete my comments. We’re all people, here and I’m pretty sure we’re strong enough to get through this.
• With that said, sometimes you have to speak up even when no one else is. It can be difficult to be the first person to voice your concerns but it shows strength of character. Honesty is a valuable trait. Perhaps I’m honest to the fault when I play the Devil’s advocate but no one would ever fault me for being a liar.
• But you can be honest without being a dick. Use tact.
• When you experience conflict or criticism, there’s no need to throw in the towel. In fact, feel free to argue, reasonably, if you believe yourself to be in the right. But one bit of adversity is not enough to shut down a website, end a relationship, or even delete a post or comment. Accept conflict because it shows strength of character.
• Respond like an adult and learn to recognize when you cannot so that you can step back from the fray, temporarily, to regroup. Rather than avoiding conflict, allow yourself to calm down and reflect upon whether there is any truth to what is being said. Return to the conversation after and then respond, if it benefits you to do so.

I’ve been doing some clean up ’round these parts. I’ve deleted a couple dozen pages and even more files that were unnecessary. I’m going to be consolidating some sections and re-organizing some of the content to highlight the focus of this site. As much as it is my blog, I have also always wanted it to be a resource and I’ve had some dated and unnecessary clutter that covered up some of the usefulness of the site. I’ve held on to some stuff for too long, mostly because it’s hard for me to let go of things I’ve worked so hard on, but what I want the site to be now isn’t the same as what it was and I’m excited to redefine it a bit.

There’s been some minor modifications to some pages. A typo here, a broken link there. I’ve gone through many of the pages of the site in the process and I’ve rediscovered things I’ve forgotten and perhaps a little bit about myself. I recently raided the Livejournal icons pages to upload a new avatar to Daydreamz, for example.

Anyway, it’s not exciting or anything but it feels good to dive back behind the scenes.