Category Archives: Thoughts

Hello blog (and readers),

Good to see you (write to you) again. The last time I updated, I was musing about some of the things we accept as true, and how they can become sort of foundational. But that’s not very helpful when we interact with those who don’t necessarily have the same foundation. In short, it’s so easy to assume that everyone plays by the same “rules” and take offense when someone breaks what seems to be an unwritten universal rule.

Except no such thing truly exists.

I was reminded again of this recently. Specifically, I was reminded that while I think it’s pretty unacceptable to leave a conversation in anger without saying something, anything reaffirming, that’s not what others abide by.

And perhaps it’s not even realistic. Sometimes we will just get so angry that we need to storm out. Ideally, it’s not frequent and will become even less so. But you can’t police how other people feel anger or frustration.

It’s fair to set a boundary that you won’t engage with people who let their anger run wild or even to set boundaries about what things are specifically acceptable. But we’ll only be disappointed if we set boundaries that ignore that people that people are, well, human.

We fuck up and stuff.

That’s what I’m thinking about today – how playing by unspoken rules can only lead to disappointment. And how it’s unfair to expect others to play by your unspoken rules and carry that disappointment with you, especially letting it grow. It’s one of those many ways we contribute to our own hurt, how we can sabotage our trust in other people by tallying offenses they don’t even realize they’re making, how we can confirm our biases and deepen our insecurities.

I don’t want to do that. But recognizing the ways in which I contribute to my unhappiness, owning up to them, and doing something about them is hard.

But here’s me, trying anyway. And if I want my progress to count for something, I need to do the same for others. “Progress not perfection,” is only useful when we apply it fairly. If only it weren’t such a struggle, heh.

Today, I am thinking about the ways I think and communicate and the relationship between the two. If I’m honest, it’s not all great. A lot of it is not-so-great, despite some of the strides forward I’ve made in my life. So this post is a way for me to organize those thoughts without forcing others to be my therapist and also a way for me to be accountable (especially as certain people will read it and inevitably talk to me about it -cough-ben-cough-) without using others as my therapist (-cough-sorrymatt&ashe-cough-). Also, I apparently want to blog like 16-year-old Cole, but maybe it’ll be helpful.

It will for sure be helpful if you’re familiar with the Ask vs Guess model. It’s not entirely applicable, at least not to me, but it’s useful to think about our unwritten communication rules and analyze whether they do us any good. At the very least, it’s beneficial to remember that others made not abide by or even recognize those rules. Be flexible, I guess.

So here are the ways I’m not flexible.

I’m mostly a participant in guess culture–except when I’m not, heh. I think it’s rude or uncouth to be direct in certain ways. Asking for favors (or even questions in general)? Directly talking about yourself without making an effort to inquire about someone else? As Stephanie Tanner says:

I’m hoping that interjecting a little humor lets me keep things light because it’s so easy to go from “I’m not perfect” to “I’m a fucking unlovable monster” and let my anxiety take the wheel. I have no chill. But if you’re reading this, you know that (this example of my inflexibility was totes accidental).

So where was I? Being forward almost seems vulgar. It just isn’t.what.you.do in polite society. We can avoid the rough unpleasant edges if we’re more suggestive than forward. It would make everyone’s life better if we all followed those rules.

Maybe some people, sometimes.

Except it’s infinitely useful or preferable to be direct in some situations. It saves time and energy. And there are a whole bunch of people whose lives would only be made worse by trying to live up to the standards of guess-culture. And if I expect people to suggest what I want, I’m putting the onus and energy on them. Trust me, it even sounds ridiculous when I type it.

On top of that, guessers can seem disingenuous or manipulative by others. I know that it’s “rude” to ask directly, but she thinks my hinting is manipulative or dishonest because she doesn’t know or believe that you just.can’t.do. that.

Compromise, am I right?

It might seem positive that I am sometimes an asker or prefer others to be–if you ignore the fact that the ways in which I am inconsistent tend to be self-serving. I’m annoyed when he doesn’t answer directly but wouldn’t do the same myself.

And I can become resentful when I feel like I can’t speak up about things because of unwritten rules that say there has to be a perfect way or time (hint: there never is). So I only say those things when slamming the metaphorical door. And I am shocked, shocked when others say things that I would never say because you just.don’t.do.that.

While the unwritten rules in my head tell me to abide by guess culture, but it also allows me to save face–at least, I feel like it should. Maybe that’s an aspect of guess-culture. Maybe it’s just me. Either way, being direct can sometimes make me feel so self-conscious, embarrassed almost. I can feel like this super uncool dork for saying what I’m thinking, even when I’m talking to people who ostensibly care about me a lot, want me in their lives, and wouldn’t judge me even if I were a little uncool. But it’s all so intimidating.

Prescribing to guess culture feels like a way to help me avoid that potential fallout. But you know what’s coming, right? A sort of fallout I never expected that’s probably worse and entirely avoidable.

Being healthily direct is something I need to work on, then. And I’m glad to say it’s better–with some people and in some situations. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t take time (or that I wish I could make everyone else adapt instead, haha). I have to force myself not just to change but to be direct because it feels so uncomfortable.

So this is me forcing myself to be direct. Not just with myself or any one person but with any stranger who might stumble across this blog post.

I think it’s good for me. I think it will be good for me to continue blogging more regularly as I tackle certain issues and not expect those around me to listen as I process every thought in an attempt to uncover all my insecurities and prove that I’m doing the work. Because that’s me trying to make my problems into “our” problems, and it’s pretty selfish.

But you, dear blog, exist, and this is exactly the sort of thing you can help with.

So, see you next time (not a Kwik Trip reference… or is it?)

Lately, I’ve been thinking about when and how behaviors become unhealthy, and the big distinction (at least, for me) is whether it’s used to escape or enhance your life.

Many things can be used to celebrate a life you love, but at different times or in different quantities can be used to escape to the point where you’re barely living. I’ve don’t this with any number of activities:

• Walking
• Video games
• Eating
• Sleeping
• Browsing the ‘net
• Reading
• TV and movies
• Drinking alcohol
• Using social medi

I mean, the list basically includes any type of media that I can become so wrapped up in that I can avoid what’s happening in my real life. I’ve spent more than eight hours at a time in front of my computer because logging on to whatever MMO I’m playing at the time is easier than coping with my boredom or loneliness.

And while I haven’t run into issues with smoking pot (or other drugs) or sex myself, I can easily see how these things can overflow until you’re drowning.

So many things can go from useful or healthy to unhealthy so quickly, and we’re in an era when so many things are gamified and designed to make us check compulsively to get those quick shots of dopamine (damn you, Facebook!).

Perhaps this line of thinking isn’t new to you — or anything. But I’ve visualized it in such a clear way that I want to share if only to pay myself on the back a bit.

These types of thoughts are those that I once commonly wrote about on here (I used only existing tags_ and I almost started this as a Facebook post. It would certainly garner more attention, but there’s something freeing about writing in my blog instead. It feels like I have to work less at impressing the reader and can perhaps be more exploratory and vulnerable, which is often a boon.

Here’s to more clarity in 2019.

• Things that startled me: four bunnies, a stationary manger display, a (regular) bush, the big borker down the street not barking at me.
• But I startled the same rabbit two nights in a row.
• It’s so nice out this morning.* I don’t even need to wear a jacket.
• My calves have been so sore lately.
• I wonder where that ambulance is going. I hope my apartment isn’t burning when I get home.
• That cashier is nice.
• Where are all the Pokemon I want to catch? And why are walking events when the weather is terrible?

None of these are terribly interesting thoughts, I’m afraid.. unless you’re entertained by the bunnies who scare me.

*Relatively speaking. It’s 40 degrees and rather humid.

I have a few, somewhat scattered thoughts, none of which is long enough to dedicate an entire blog post but each of which has lingered long enough that perhaps I should write something about them. So here goes.

The first was triggered by this post on Twitter.

https://twitter.com/yrfatfriend/status/1038933769690861568

I replied an entire thread worth of thoughts. But it basically boils down to:

• I’d be physically more comfortable, both by myself and around others.
• I’d feel less compelled to overcompensate for how I look in other ways (ie clothes, makeup, and hair).
• I’d have more confidence in the dating realm.

But there was one thing — an absolutely huge thing — that I forgot; I would view women, especially thin women, less as competition. I would judge them less harshly and experience fewer bitter thoughts.

These are not trivial matters. Nor are they fleeting. These are lifelong issues with which I’ve struggled, and they’ve colored my entire worldview. It’s significant.. and sad. it is also hopefully something I can work through in time (and I have made progress).

Another thought bouncing around my head is how is how anxiety is experienced so differently by others. I’ll admit, this is something I’ve been thinking about for some time, ever since I commented on a blog and the blogger responded quite negatively. She was expressing her anxiety and vulnerability, and I thought we could bond over my similar anxiety. I remarked on a coping strategy, which she took as criticism, no doubt because of how her anxiety manifests.

It’s somewhat ironic that this interaction has left me with such anxiety. The blogger in question is a person who I admire and who, in some respects, I think I could get along with well. While I thought it was a sure thought that leading with how my anxiety affected me in similar situations would serve as a connection point, I was wrong.

Aside from that, I’ve been considering how easy it is to be impatient when people react in certain ways due to their anxiety even though I am no stranger to anxiety myself. I suppose it’s easier to ask for others to be patient than it is to dole out patience myself.

Patience is something that’s been on my mind a lot recently. I do not find myself particularly patient with some friends and family, and my shortage highlights the fact that the only way I get through/survive these relationships is by expressing an exorbitant amount of patience. I always feel disappointed in myself during times when I feel unable to come through with patience. But perhaps I need to re-examine why I continue with these relationships if they’re such a trial, to begin with?

Finally, I’ve been thinking a lot about locations. My trip to Seattle reminded me how much I like bigger cities — places where restaurants are in abundance and open late, where Sunday doesn’t equate to closed, and where public transportation is an option worth considering. These conveniences were some of the things I really liked about living in Milwaukee. I enjoy how “metropolitan” I feel when I am in these places and doing the things that seem less out of place in them.

A few years ago, I was considering buying a house here. Now,  I am so glad that I didn’t. I am not sure where I want to go, but I am almost certain that I must leave, and my recent trip was a reminder of that.

So, there you are.

I thought. I blogged. I conquered?