Category Archives: Life

Three weeks ago, I took Phantom into the vet because he was sick. I received a surprising diagnosis, one that was fatal and one that, fortunately, has been somewhat reduced. He may not longer be on death’s door, but he’s still sick. I still have to administer medicine. And while I don’t have to watch his every move because this might be ‘it,’ the moment that I need to humanely end his life, it’s hard not to.

I spent that first week basically unable to do anything — eat, sleep, work, breathe. The anxiety and stress was oppressively heavy. Anyone who talked to or saw me was witness to that. And while things are no longer as dire, it feels as though the wool has been lifted from my eyes. There’s something wrong in my life that I am now painfully aware of, and I can’t forget it. Even if I could, I need to be alert for Phantom’s sake.

Of course, anyone might be a little stressed over this, but I’m already anxious to begin with. And that something so small as a the health of a pet has me spiraling so far downward makes me feel incompetent, like a failure. Every time Phantom refuses a pill, I wonder why I can’t be better at such a small thing.

I’ve fill a lot of the last three weeks with TV shows, just some noise to keep on in the background. There’s not much else to do when the weather has me trapped inside.

But I can’t use this time productively. It takes me longer to get around to do chores or run errands. My Christmas tree is still up. Laundry has piled up on my bed. All of my blogs are forgotten. I’ve forgotten about games that need to be finished. I’ve managed to finish a single book, but many others have languished. My kitchen table has accumulated an embarrassing amount of mail, trash, and empty shopping bags.

I could invite people over to while away some of the time — if only I wasn’t so ashamed of the state of my apartment.

And maybe it’s not that bad. Maybe it’s in my head. Maybe it’s just my anxiety making me feel like everything is worse than it is, you know, the way it does. But that’s one more thing to feel bad about.

Perhaps in time I’ll forget about some of the things that are bothering me just like I occasionally forget about my own mortality and impending death. The feeling of despair will only wash over me and settle in the pit of my stomach briefly before I am able to push it back, to deny that it bothers me.

Or maybe I need a better coping mechanism to deal with life.

• Things that startled me: four bunnies, a stationary manger display, a (regular) bush, the big borker down the street not barking at me.
• But I startled the same rabbit two nights in a row.
• It’s so nice out this morning.* I don’t even need to wear a jacket.
• My calves have been so sore lately.
• I wonder where that ambulance is going. I hope my apartment isn’t burning when I get home.
• That cashier is nice.
• Where are all the Pokemon I want to catch? And why are walking events when the weather is terrible?

None of these are terribly interesting thoughts, I’m afraid.. unless you’re entertained by the bunnies who scare me.

*Relatively speaking. It’s 40 degrees and rather humid.

If I were to categorize my 2018 in any way, I’d say it was the year of board games. Now, I have always been a fan of games. This is nothing new. But 2018 marked more structured playing time and more effort.

In the beginning of the year, I got to know a few vintage board games through a monthly event hosted by the historical society. Truthfully, those events haven’t always been successful and time spent playing games hasn’t always been worthwhile. But it has presented me with the opportunity to try new (old) games, and I even bought one after playing it there.

I was later introduced to Board Game Arena, a site where you can play a few games online, by a fellow Redditor. We no longer speaker, but I occasionally log on to play games.

During the summer, I attended a small board game con with my sister. The library was huge, which gave me a chance to try out games I’d heard of only. Unfortunately, I was incredibly tired, but I enjoyed the chance to play new games. It incited me to do it even more.

Fortunately, I was given that chance when someone local contacted me to let me know about a weekly event at our local game shop. To be honest, it’s a place I had spent very little time. I always felt a bit intimidated by it, I suppose. Partially because I am a woman and partially because I am so casual about so many geeky things. I like a lot of casual games (video and board) and sometimes read comics, but just have never really delved into them. People who are intent on geek gatekeeping would not likely approve of my level of participation, enjoyment, or knowledge of those things. I suppose I worried that people within the game shop would be that way.

However, the timing worked out well with family things being so tumultuous and knowing that my sister wanted to play more games, too. Plus, I was sick of vintage titles. We’ve only been able to attend a handful of times, but I’ve been able to try some games I’ve long heard of (Splendor, Dixit, Betrayal at House on the Hill, and 7 Wonders among them) and a few new ones (Everdell) as well as enjoy a few rounds of Fluxx or Munchkin, which are always popular.

Aside from playing more games, this has really given me the opportunity to get to know a space that’s actually quite welcoming and to meet some new people. It’s all illustrated how I feel about playing games — at least, at this point in my life. It also explains why some game nights have failed to impress upon me.

Basically, it comes down to this: I’m there to play games for the sake of playing games and any socializing is incidental. I have been leaning in this direction for a while, so this isn’t a surprise. However, five years ago, I was all about socializing. The tables were turned.

Many of my friends are still like that, which is fine… except when I want to focus on an activity or play something with more depth than a party game. Sadly, the people who are there to socialize seem to be those who struggle to pay attention to the game. They also seem to be the type of people who wouldn’t notice that some people are there specifically for the game.

I don’t think this is different from any hobby. There are always those more serious about the activity than the people. I’m not positive that it’s always the case, but it does seem like people who want to socialize struggle to recognize that there are people who whom that isn’t the point. Ironically, everyone who seems more intent on gaming (like those from Board Game Revolution) seems to understand that there are two camps of people (and look disdainfully down on the other camp lol).

It’s interesting to me something as innocuous as playing board games can shine a light on an issue that I am dealing with in life in general: people who are unwilling or unable to think about others’ motivations and take them into consideration. But it’s frustrating no matter the venue, I suppose.

I’m off to Seattle for a week!

Wish me luck and fun!

I consistently find myself wrestling with the concept of time, how something that is an arbitrary human invention and so dependent on the motion of the universe can be so inconsistent. It’s near impossible to reconcile the erratic movement of time, and sometimes that fact takes my breath away.

Time moves so quickly when I am awake through midnight and my days span two days when I am awake for 20 hours and sleep another 12. I hardly have time to breathe when my schedule is full and my life is a whirlwind of road trips, shopping, dinners out, and games played. Yet, I look back and wonder where I spent all my time. Where is my receipt?

Yet, when I it is 10 in the morning and I am wide awake and ready to do something right now with the knowledge that no one will be available for another seven hours, by which time I will be tired, time passes as slowly as it ever has. When I wait for someone to know at my door or for an ordered package to arrive, I check messages constantly, hoping that somehow these people or items will be able to travel through time and into my home.

I wonder how time can pass so slowly at those times when I am running errands and trying to add just-one-more-thing to my list while I know someone is waiting for me (spoiler alert: I will not make it on time). It perplexes me that I can be the person who is waiting, both anxious and bored and wondering just what-the-hell is taking so long.

I understand that time is about perception, and that our brains perceive time differently when we are in a rush or, even better, in the zone. I get the concept of flow. But I am still mystified by the passing of time, how sometimes it rushes and sometimes it trickles. I feel frustrated at my inability to control it, to keep up or to maintain my composure when it’s molasses-slow.

That I am in the middle of a hellish week, anxiety-filled and reducing the time I have to try to cope to a seemingly-few seconds, while mourning the death of one of my closest friends just over a year ago and recognizing that I was married more than thirteen years ago, is a strange convergence. It’s a place where I can recognize both the expeditiousness and the lethargy of time. I am confronted by the mystery of time from every angle.

Eventually, the moment of confusion will pass until it resurfaces in the future. At another time.