There is nothing I like more than falling asleep easily or waking up feeling restful. However, this rarely happens. The other day, I was so tired I fell asleep watching TV and I woke up a bit later, thinking “Wow, I never fall asleep without realizing it anymore.” And it’s true.

Yesterday, I spent 5 hours lying in bed (and sometimes on the couch), trying to fall asleep. I took some melatonin, which did me no good. Mostly, I lie awake worrying about things that have happened, things that will happen. My mind keeps running even if my body is completely exhausted. It can be painful to keep my eyes open, yet my heart pounds and, in my brain, I’m thinking all sorts of things: ideas for blog posts and forum threads, layout designs, what I’ll eat the next day, how I’ll form an article for Demand Studios, whether I need to do any chores, what time I need to wake up to perform activity X. It just doesn’t stop.

I know I’m not alone and that makes me feel better but it doesn’t help, exactly. And neither do the cats who will paw at the walls, beat on the mirror, meow out the window, chase one another and claw at the carpet. I’ve been keeping a bottle of water on the night stand to spray at Goliath when he’s naughty (he’ll run at the sight of it, some mornings) but it’s so incredibly hard to fall asleep.

Or stay asleep. I’ll wake after a few fitful minutes of sleep and start back at square one. I’ll do this 5 or 6 times a night, some nights. It’s horrible. i’m sure the stress of my life makes it worse but, the truth is, I’ve always had trouble sleeping but I haven’t always realized it. Sometimes, we don’t realize that what we accept as “normal” is, in reality, unhealthy.

I know it now, but I’m still stumped. It seems like the effectiveness of my relaxation CD has worn off and I’ll have to look for a new solution.

Most people are so afraid ore rejection. They are afraid to ask because they don’t want to hear the word “No.” As if those two letters, side by side, are the end of the world. They’re not really. Few things can be answered by “No” that promise to be horrendous. Perhaps “Doctor, will I live to see Christmas?” but most people really won’t be any worse off if they receive a negative response.

And let’s not forget that even if something is a “no” now, doesn’t mean it always will be. People can change their minds. Circumstances change. “No” can become “yes” before you realize it.

And, while it’s not the focus of my thoughts at the moment, sometimes “No” can be what we need even when we don’t realize it.

But the thing is, if you don’t ask, you won’t eve get a “Yes.” If you want someone to do something with or for you, they probably won’t unless you give them the idea in the first place. If you don’t put yourself out there and take that risk, the risk that is almost always much smaller than we convince ourselves, you won’t ever reap the benefits. You will be causing the very thing you fear.

I used to do that a lot.I would want to do things and not tell Ryan and the day would pass and we wouldn’t do things and I’d be all pissed off at the universe for not letting me do something or at Ryan for not being a mind reader when, really, all I had to do was ask. Wow! What a run-on sentence. Ryan might say “No” or he may say “Yes.” He may say “Maybe later” and we’d find a happy medium if he really isn’t interested in what I want.

The thing is, I cannot possibly know until I ask and to become frustrated over something that I caused myself, something that I may be partially inventing in my head? Does no one any good.

Sometimes I will take a risk. Sometimes I will be shut down. Then I’ll try again. It’s the only way to really get a “Yes,” though.

Sometimes I forget. I’m sure you do too, though. I want to be adult, I want to be in control of my feelings but sometimes I go overboard in such a way that allows my feelings to run me over, anyway.

Sometimes I just need to be reminded “It’s okay to have feelings.” After all, it would be weird if I didn’t have negative feelings at this time in my life. I need to remember to expect feelings, to accept them, to experience them and let them go. But I get caught up in not wanting to feel certain ways. I wind up berating myself, thinking that I am stupid and I should be beyond this.

Have you ever tried to make yourself stop crying by telling yourself how stupid you’re being? Yea, it doesn’t work very well.

There are people in my life who help perpetuate those unproductive thoughts, though. There are some who think I shouldn’t have feelings. They cannot possibly understand why I would be upset now but the truth is that they are irrational. I am just human. Alive. I care about my marriage. To have feelings now really is the most logical thing I can do.

To repeat:

It’s okay to have feelings.

If you have joked with me about how awesome I am, it might seem surprising to hear that I don’t like to too my own horn but, truthfully, I don’t. But I don’t truly talk about or even recognize some of my strengths and sometimes that’s a shame.

Lately, I’ve been working to effect positive changes within myself and I’ve got a little bit of pride about the progress I’ve been making.

One thing I’ve been working on is time management. I’ve been paying more attention to the clock so I get things done in a timely manner and don’t wind up spending hours playing a game or chatting. I feel like I have more time in the day, sometimes.

This has also helped me be a better communicator. I used to takes weeks or months to respond to emails but I am much more on top of things.

Another ‘side effect’ to this is me being able to accomplish more things on a more reasonable schedule – whether it’s blogging, reviewing or taking care of the house. This definitely makes writing for DemandStudios work better than it would have with my previous schedule. Working at all is definitely a change, too, compared to the past 2 years or so. It’s both confidence boosting and stressful.

I’ve also been working on changing the way I think about a lot of things–like the challenges life gives me. I’ve been learning to be happy despite them, not waiting for them to pass. Additionally, I’ve made a commitment to let things slide, to try to look at the bigger picture. These two things have led to me having less anxiety than I previous had; although, I can understand if it’s hard to see that in these stressful times.

All of these things have contributed to me sleeping better. I get the best sleep when I’m not overtired (because I lost track of time) and less anxious. I’ve managed to break some of my really bad sleeping habits. I just wish the cats would work with me more on this one.

So, I’ve noticed a of progress. I’ll come out of this a better problem, for sure. A better friend and family member and significant other. But progress does not equal perfection and I still have a ways to go.

In the event that you’ve been hiding under a rock, some major shit has been going on in the Gulf of Mexico. Namely, an oil rig owned by BP exploded, killing 11 crew members (if I recall correctly) and leaving a hole wide open on the ocean floor, from which oil has been flowing ever since. Known as the Deepwater Horizon oil spill, it has become the largest offshore spill in U.S. history and has leaked oil onto shores in Louisiana and Florida.

Now, I’m not oceanographer or bigwig CEO. I’ve never been swimming in the ocean let alone working in it. I know there’s a shitload of pressure 5,000 feet beneath the surface of the ocean but this shit has been going on since April 20th and every solution that BP has tried has been akin to a “band-aid over a bullet hole.” I know some folks hate that terms but, really, it’s true.

In the mean time, 500,000 to 4,200,000 US gallons of oil have been leaking into the oil per day. If you’re a fan of beach vacations or own land in Louisiana, you’re fucked. The news is even worse if you’re some ocean dwelling creature . The internet is full of heartbreaking images of struggling birds and dead sea turtles. It ain’t pretty, folks.

I’m sure we will come up with a solution. Some great minds have already proposed other solutions. I’m sure even if they are valid, bureaucratic bullshit will prevent the solutions from being applied as swiftly as possible and with hurricane season on our hills, this is not good news.

But you know what’s even worse? Even when we do fix this, it will happen again. That’s right. Experts agree that this sort of thing is more likely to happen because we are having to go deeper and deeper to drill for oil and that’s kinda dangerous. Now, the republicans say this can all be prevented if the democrats would just let them drill in the ANWR. And democrats are quick to report that if the republicans would sell all those damned SUVs, maybe this could be prevented.

Maybe. I don’t buy either debate but I do think that something is clear; if there are fingers to be pointed, none of us innocent. Consumers who continued to let car companies build cars that depend on oil? Guilty. Car companies who considered to build those cars? Guilty. Government that failed to protect consumers and the environment while allowing car companies to be all sorts of ridiculous? Guilty.

Fear not, though. I just read an article that lists 10 Things You Can Do to Help. From volunteering to donating, your helping hand will be appreciate. If you haven’t picked up a bottle of Dawn lately or seen some commercials, the dish soap was used during the Exxon-Valdez oil spill to clean up animals. You can register online to donate $1 per every bottle of Dawn you purchase toward the cause. I’m almost out, anyway. You can also help out if you are a sailor or fisherman, own a hair salon or see an animal injured by the oil spill.

It’s the least you can do, really.