I intended for today to be a lazy, do-nothin’ type of day. Yet, somehow, I feel accomplished. The plan was to stay in my pajamas for the few hours I’d be awake, do a little writing, catch a snack and go back to bed. While I still plan to hit the hay sooner than later (let me fill you in on a secret: it was already dark when I woke up today!), I feel as though I’ve already finished so much.
As I type this, I am winding down and watching a movie: The Nightmare Before Christmas (I’ve finally opened my collector’s edition–it’s only been over a year!). I wrote, rooted my phone, edited some final settings after my second Windows reinstall, put away laundry, showered and shaved and even cleaned the toilet. Combined with the cleaning I did this morning, I am some sort of awesome get-er-done robot. With boobs.
Perhaps I feel accomplished because I set out to do nothing and did anything at all. Regardless, it feels good and anxiety is low.
Things are okay now. They were quite trying for this past week or so. First, there’s that monthly visit that I never know when to expect thanks to my IUD. Then, my computer began acting up at an alarming rate and my attempts to fix it (updating the BIOS, first, then reinstalling Windows) either were no help at all, proved more difficult than intended or actually made things worse. Computer problems really make me worry because a) I spent so much on it and b) I need my computer in order to make money so that I can pay rent and feed the cats and, you know, live. Although my computer is currently performing at a less than ideal state, it’s workable so there’s that. I’ll be enlisting the help of one of my geeky friends to completely reformat and re-do the partitions on Thursday so, hopefully, that’ll cover everything.
Then there’s taxes.. which I really put off because I was afraid of how much I was going to have to pay. Such is the life of a freelance writer. Self employment kind of sucks in that way. So I stressed over making the appointment, which they then had to change, so I stressed for a few more days. Luckily, it’s all over with (except for the envelope that I have to mail to the state) and the total was less than anticipated. But, wow! The fees I paid to H&R block were just ridiculous. Sure, they’ll file your federal return for free but I paid over $235 because of my self employment. Eesh. =/ It definitely helped me to pay less for taxes so it’s worth it but it’s an outstanding amount nonetheless.
Besides those really big things that have had me on edge, I’ve had some unexpected issues arise. Last night I went to grab my earbuds to listen to my music and–lo and behold!–I grabbed pieces of them. Literally. One of the cats chewed them them completely in multiple spots. Now, if you’ve been following my review blog, you’ll see I’ve purchased quite a few sets already this year due to cats as well as shorting out. Today, I had the opportunity to purchase my seventh pair in three months.
To add to my frustration, the chain to my favorite necklace is missing. It as last on the bathroom counter and I suspect that some furry one knocked it down the drain. This isn’t an end of the world situation but I find myself frequently having to replace necklace chains. It’s hard for me to find one that I like because the ones I like are just the basic chains that come with pendants. They’re not really meant to be sold. The chain from this necklace, specifically, was an antique and a bit heavier than you tend to find these days as well.
And so, I’ve spent the last few days being grumpy physically uncomfortable, anxiety-ridden and probably not much fun to be around. I really wanted to blog about it but I guess I didn’t want to ruin my “winning” streak. You see, it’s become important to me that others see me as happy, that I see myself as happy and sometimes I feel like setbacks such as this past week mean I have completely and utterly failed and to speak of them would make that failure real and I would have to accept that I just can’t do this (“this” meaning being happy and well adjusted) and I should just resign myself to a life of misery. Spelled out like that, I know it’s pretty silly. I also know that resisting the fact that I’m feeling unhappy also makes me feel worse. Sometimes I just need someone to tell me that I can feel like that, sometimes, and it doesn’t equate to unequivocal failure. But sometimes I need people to be able to read my mind to tell me that because, obviously, if talking about the negative is what’s bothering me, I can’t do that.
The good news is that, while some days every happy thing seems to come with a bad thing, the worst has blown over. I listened to some music. I feel better. I am confident everything will work out and less stressed about everything. Some of my issues are already resolved and I’m not in such a dire position that I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope I reach it sooner rather than later.
I’ve never gone kite flying so I decided that this would be the year. I will buy a fancy kite or a kite that strikes my fancy and head to park on a windy day and try–or fail–to fly a kite. It doesn’t matter. Meaning is in the journey and all that. So here I am browsing the Internet for kites, figuring I’d find some pretty diamond one but, no, they all blow my damned mind!
When asked what I was passionate about, I found it hard to answer and what I did come up with didn’t seem significant enough. The truth is, however, I am passionate about people and things that affect them: freedom and opportunity, tragedies–both natural and man-made, the every day things and the once in a lifetime chances. I think it would be appropriate to be compassionate and I could not tell you that I try because, the truth is, I try not to be sometimes. It’s all to easy for me to get swept up in despair because I cannot possibly help everyone or even know where to start.
To help alleviate this despair, I decided that I would stick to what I’m good at. Every day, I would make my loved ones smile and laugh and feel good about themselves and, in my head, these ripples of goodness slowly spread outward and perhaps, just maybe, touch every corner of the world. Nevermind that it’s a sphere.
And maybe along the way I will discover some way that I can contribute in more “significant” ways because I know that saying “I make people laugh” doesn’t exactly sound like ground breaking life’s worth. But don’t let me undercut what I do because I am damned good at it and if I died today, the people I loved would be sad because there life was better for having me in it, for having me to make them laugh.
And that is awesome.
Yet, sometimes, the reality for those who I can’t make laugh hits me like a ton of bricks. And I get angry. Or sad. Or a hysterical combination of both. Because I care. Because I am passionate about people in general, despite my sarcastic and biting sense of humor that may indicate otherwise. That is how I felt when I stumbled across the following:
There is a country where the leading cause of death of pregnant women is murder by a partner. In this same country, more than a million women were raped in 2008 and women are much more likely to live in poverty than men. Local laws don’t protect their right to bodily freedom and integrity; some rape laws even state that once a woman initially consents to sex, she doesn’t have the right to change her mind.
You may have caught on by now — yes, I’m talking about the United States.
average life span of a transgendered person is twenty-three years. The statistic is shocking, until it begins to make sense. Gender non-conformists face routine exclusion and violence. Transgendered people are disproportionately poor, homeless, and incarcerated. Many of the systems and facilities intended to help low-income people are sex-segregated and thereby alienate those who don’t comply with state-imposed categories. A trans woman may not be able to secure a bed in a homeless shelter, for example. Spade writes that just as the feminist movement tended to “focus on gender-universalized white women’s experience as ‘women’s experience,’” the lesbian- and gay-rights movement has focused primarily on a white, middle-class politic, centered on marriage and mainstream social mores.
Google has stepped up and created a Person Finder page for those who may be missing in Japan. I personally clicked over and stumbled across an entry for someone looking for information about someone in Misawa. I left a little blurb to inform the poster than Misawa AB has reported no deaths or serious injuries. It’s really hard for me to read about what is going on over there right now. It just hits.. a little too close to home but I hope that I have helped.
And despite the political turn that has occurred, people like you and me are stepping up to help others. Like this Tumblr user who want to give rides to women in Virginia who require an abortion but must now travel out of state for the service. Or this user who says (and I paraphrase) “You know what? Abortion isn’t for me but I respect the life of the living as well as the yet-to-live.”
Pro-choice is not pro-abortion. Pro-choice is often far more pro-life than “pro-life” is. I can’t say I’ve ever met anyone who thinks abortion is just fantastic or the new perfect birth control, that’s not how it goes. If you really want a lower abortion rate, put your time and effort into education and health care (you know, programs like Planned Parenthood). No one has any right to tell a woman what to do with her body or anything that’s growing inside of it. No one has any right to put women in danger for a group of cells, especially a group of cells they will later ignore and expect to fend for itself.
