I am covered in mosquito bites. This means two things:

1. It’s hot so I wear camis and shorts
2. It’s summer so those buggers are all over me

Eww. Make it stop. Please?

Even though I’ve been a “writer” for the past three years, I always put that word into quotations. I assume that the reason I got the job and have been able to maintain it was luck. I tell myself — and others — that it was a fluke. The fact that I’ve generally been able to increase my prices and work less while remaining afloat? I ignore. When people ask me what it is that I do for a living, I avoid the subject or downplay it as much as possible.

I think it’s time for me to stop that.

For three years, I’ve been a freelance writer. I’ve paid my bills and my taxes. I’ve had steady work. I even had some business cards printed up; although, I haven’t had much of a chance to work them. I’ve improved my writing skills, and that shows on all my blogs. I’ve become more familiar with AP styles, I’ve juggled HTML and I’ve dealt with ever-changing rules, cranky clients and incredible editors.

I guess that I’ve more or less persevered, and I should take credit for that. I got a job. I’ve kept it. I’ve gotten better at it and expanded my horizons when need be. I’m not just playing pretend. This isn’t just a hobby, and maybe I can do even more with it than I already have. I don’t know what, but for the first time I finally think that the option exists. It’s liberating, really.

I have been informed, on multiple occasions, that I am hard to shop for. Still, I run into things that are so obviously me every once in a while that I don’t know how others can’t look at these things and scream “Oh em gee. Like, I must totally get that for Cole.” Maybe they’re just not finding these things to begin with? I have no idea. Whatever. I’ve created this handy little guide to shopping for me so that the gifts you give me in the future don’t suck. You’re welcome.

Does it have LEDs?

Yes -> Looking good.

No -> Tread carefully.

Is it red or purple?

Yes -> Getting Closer

No -> Yellow sucks, dude.

Is it heart shaped?

Yes -> You’re doing well.

No -> Cole wuvs hearts )=

Does it pay homage to Mario, HTML, computers or other geekery?

Yes -> Hot, hot hot!

No > Meh

Is it fucking adorable?

Yes -> Good

Yes, just like Cole -> Aww, I love you.

No -> Go back a space.

Is it related to cats?

Yes -> Dude, just stop.

No -> Thank for not pigeonholing me.

Does it have a circuit board?

Yes > Cool

Yes, it is a circuit board -> Buy that shit now!

No -> Well, maybe

Is it under $20?

Yes -> Buy that shit.

No -> Spend less. I feel guilty.

Still need help?

Yes -> That’s okay. Try here or here.

No -> Awesome!

• The rapture
• A bull rampaging through my living room
• Shooting a porn with all my friends
• Hobos talking about tornadoes
• Going to jail
• Inheriting a million dollars from a long-lost uncle or aunt
• Randomly losing a tooth
• Everyone who RSVPed actually showing up
• Ghosts
• An acid trip