No one is online to talk to so I will talk to my blog.
Dear Dave,
I wasn’t expecting to see a text from you today. In fact, I puzzled about who might be texting me on my birthday when so many people use Facebook to message me. Upon seeing your name, I felt a barrage of emotions – anger, frustration, anxiety et al – and none of them was “happy.”
At first, I thought about replying to your “Happy Birthday” text. I would ask you how you wanted me to respond. But then I realized it didn’t matter because either I couldn’t provide you with what you needed, or I just didn’t care.
You had no right to message me. I know this even as I blamed myself for not double-checking you were blocked on my phone after the New Year’s message, which elicited much of the same responses in myself. I shouldn’t have to block you after requesting radio silence for months, then finally deleting you from Facebook and blocking your messages there. For a while, you were blocked on my phone, too. My signals were clear.
It’s not like I wasn’t clear when I said I had to end our friendship, either. When I made the executive decision to end our friendship, I was not only positive it was good for me. I was sure it was good for you. After years of feeling disrespected, my behavior toward you became resentful. In short, I was an asshole and I justified it. And who wants to be that way? Whether you can see it or not, being apart means you no longer have to deal with that.
It’s obvious that the absence of friendship hasn’t opened your eyes any further, however. Unwarranted contact on various occasions – all of which I’ve ignored – prove that you don’t understand why I initially needed space and that you’re currently incapable of respecting me.
I am sure some part of you hopes that you can wish me a happy birthday and I will want to talk. But my immediate response was somewhere between trying not to vomit and crying. Because every time I’ve asked for space, you’ve ignored it, as if your need for validation and reassurance trumps my need for human decency!
At first, I thought a break was all I needed. And had you left me the fuck alone, perhaps it would have. Now, I know that a break is not enough. Every time you’ve proved that you can’t or won’t listen. If space were ever a reality, it’s one you’ve certainly altered by continuing to affect me so.
I don’t know if you see this. I do know that you would surely argue your point. That’s part of the problem. That’s almost all of the problem. That’s a problem I’ve been fighting tooth and nail to eliminate for almost a year now. And you know what?
I am done. With you. Because the positivity I need in my life — and have achieved over the last few months — is unobtainable when you’re around. I only hope you can find some for yourself, without me.
