Musings

Walking today, I noticed a group of teenagers – both girls and guys, some walking and some riding bikes. I head the familiar shrieks and squeals and laughter and I panged. Something pulled at the strings of my heart and told me to take another look, to make that passing glance linger longer.

Sometimes still I regret being the introvert me, the anger, bitterness, resentment and pretention that I exuded which only further alienated myself, rather than welcoming new friendships which could have held such potential.

Sometimes still I wish I had been popular – with the right people. I wish I had been the “it” girl who, while she may not have been the “brightest crayon in the box,” had the boyfriend, the friends (the right friends), the money, the looks, and the laugh.
Sometimes still I wish I was hated by those you wanted to be me, adored by those who clung to me, and watched from afar by those who wanted to be with me.

Sometimes still I regret declining that invitation, skipping that dance, letting those angered words escape my lips and not making myself more approachable.

Sometimes still I have regrets, even when I claim I don’t.

But life is not, nor should it ever be, about regrets. Too much valuable time is spent on “what ifs” and while there are a lot of what ifs, what ifs do not amount to a lot.
In the end, I wouldn’t trade this for anything. I may bitch and moan and whine and complain but I am further than I was yesterday and tomorrow I will be further still.

I would not even trade this to have Amanda back. While I miss her dearly, she is gone and for whatever reason, she is meant to be where she is. As I am meant to be where I am and wherever I will be is where I meant meant to be then. This doesn’t mean that I will vegitate in this place forever; no, I will do everything in my power to leave but I will always be where I am meant to be.

But just because I am meant to be there, doesn’t mean I will like it. I may have been destined to spend two decades in Wausau, but I know now, with all my being, that it’s simply wrong to be so far from my husband.

But I would not trade it. Why, you ask? Because I have that which I need most. I have love. And while love may think – he may think – that I have been the saviour all along, it is love – it is him – who has saved me more times and in more ways that I could even name, even if I spent my entire lifetime trying.

To sum it all up: It is good to be alive.