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I have been watching more new (to me) TV as of late. When I saw that Sex and the City was on Amazon, I figured I’d give it a go. It was a big deal when it was relevant. And a cast of women in their 30s is still virtually unheard of. Perhaps it would better fit my life as a 32-year-old woman.

So I dove in.

And I do have some praise. SATC was so ahead of its time in terms of feminism and women’s right. Every time Miranda or Samantha demanded equality (whether it be financial or orgasm), I cheered them on. Same goes for the frank talk about abortions. Why are we backsliding, society?

The honest discussions about sex were so culturally important, and they remain to this day. Women talking about, even demanding their own pleasure? Whoa! Oral sex, toys, and bondage were all up for discussion. Awesome.

I cannot forget about the way that these women supported each other, even when they were not necessarily in agreement.

As I watched, I couldn’t help but try to figure out… who am I?

Since SATC is no longer a cultural phenomenon, the Internet isn’t littered with quizzes telling you which of the women you are. But it used to be, and it’s natural to consider. To no one’s surprise, Miranda resonated with me the most — in both positive and negative ways. She’s certainly pragmatic, but she can also be judgmental. Samantha’s sex-positive and feminist messages are also mirrored in my own behavior, but if I am being quite honest, I am not as much like her as I would want to be.

I am neither as prudish or romantic as Charlotte. Although, I do like her taste. Where it gets tricky is the comparison with Carrie. I might share some characteristics with the narrator and main character of the show, but I am likely blinded to them because I fucking hate her.

That’s right, boys and girls. This might as well be titled I Hate Carrie Bradshaw.

Honestly, I get it. She’s a trainwreck. Drama makes for entertainment. I am certain that some people tuned in every week for this reason alone. And yet, it didn’t make it entertaining for me. In the beginning, it was bearly, but I found myself watching and actively angry toward the middle. By the time I finished the series, I was just glad to be done and had no desire to watch either of the movies. In some ways, I am perplexed that Sex and the City was such a hit. Although, I recognize that preferences are personal.

It’s hard to get over the foolish decisions Carrie makes regarding Big. I know that love makes you do stupid things, but I had no idea that their love affair started literally in the first episode. Big is neither charming nor good looking, so this only further confuses me. It’s not just that I prefer Aidan. Carrie is consistently making poor choices, some of which seem to fall on the writers. I know I am not the only one who thought Carrie and Aleks were breaking up right before she moved to Paris?!?

And Carrie’s high-pitched squealing and giggle was the epitome of immature and inappropriate. I can only pray that the directors want this and it was not a natural part of Sarah Jessica Parker’s personality. To be quite honest, it was downright embarrassing for me as a viewer.

I also found it unrealistic how hard the writers worked to craft poignant lines in her column, but Carrie was rarely able to articulate anything off the cuff. I know, I know. When you have time to sit down, the words come more easily, more gracefully. But I couldn’t buy that Carrie was sometimes so eloquent while most of the time she was so clueless.

There are other ways in which the show remains unrealistic. Carrie’s life as a freelancer could not support her shopping addiction. And while it was discussed, it just did not seem an accurate portrayal of life in NYC.

Sometimes, even the things that were accurate stand out in not-so-positive ways. The frequency with which any of the characters light up a cigarette, especially in public places, its nigh unheard of in 2018. Thank your deity of choice. I’ve been enjoying a few shows made in the 90s and early 2000s, so it’s impossible to ignore the lack of cell phones or the severely outdated designs where they do exist. It’s actually nice in its way. But the smoking thing is a prescient reminder of how far we’ve come, and I couldn’t be happier.

Perhaps that’s what I got out of watching Sex and the City. Although specifics have changed, there are some evergreen ideas around womanhood, friendship, and love. The questions Carrie posts and attempts to answer in her column are those we are still asking. I just wish the person asking them wasn’t so abhorrent.

Last month, I decided I wanted to watch something new. I tried a few shows that weren’t so recent, but most of them hadn’t aged well. Felicity was of show of which I’d heard, but with which I wasn’t familiar. It’s recent enough to remain watchable, and there are only four seasons. It would be easy enough to finish before the end of the month.

At first, I identified with studious and somewhat naive Felicity, who was romantic enough to spontaneously follow a boy across the country where he was attending college.

The first season was dramatic but interesting enough to continue. Before long, however, I felt myself feeling loathing toward every.single.character on this god.damn.show. Let me tell you why.

I hate you all.

Felicity Porter

Like I said, I liked Felicity at first. She was a little serious, but I figured her character would grow and get over her obsession with Ben. At first, this happened. She started dating her RA, Noel.

However, Felicity turns out to be the most wishy-washy, passive person I’ve ever met. She keeps falling into situations because she’s just to befuddled to take control of her life. And when this happens? You guessed it! She takes no responsibility.

After four years in college, pretty much all of her character development is wiped clean. Ouch!

Ben Covington

Ben is the jock whom Felicity follows to New York despite the fact that they only spoke once during four years of high school in California.

Ben is without an anchor for much of the show; although, he eventually finds some meaning to his life. However, this doesn’t negate the issues that I have with Ben and the actor’s portrayal.

First things first. What’s with the god damn whispering voice? I didn’t notice it in the beginning, but it becomes more and more distinct as the series goes on. It makes me want to inflict violence.

Secondly, Ben has a serious anger problem. It’s touched on once (barely), but no one seems to care that Ben has gotten into fights with all his friends, his peers from school and others.

He constantly fucks Felicity around, which is something that other characters mention, but Felicity denies time and again.

Noel Crane

Noel is the RA whom Felicity dates for a short period of time – until he decides he might want to get back with his ex, and Felicity has sex with another guy from school. Don’t worry, though. Eventually, Noel sleeps with Felicity.. while she’s dating Ben.

Noel does have a lot of good traits. He’s smart and caring. He also suffers from the affliction Know As Nice Guy syndrome. He whines about finishing last when Felicity chooses Ben. But Noel is no saint, and he can never quite seem to get his shit together. Which is weird considering how together he is when we first met him.

Julie Emrick

Julie is Felicity’s first friend after arriving at college, and it’s a match made in heaven.. until Julie develops feelings for Ben. And though Julie tells Felicity nothing will happen of it, they sneak around behind Felicity’s back until she finds out. They date for a while, but it doesn’t work out for god-knows-what-reason.

To be fair, I don’t hate Julie. I feel bad for the little adopted girl who meets her birth mom and can’t have the relationship that she desires with the woman. It’s sad, but she’s also naive. Julie’s stint is short-lived. I imagine there must have been a money issue or scheduling conflict because they kind of just write her out based on that naivety.

Sean Blumberg

If there is a character on this show that I hate the most, it’s Sean. I hate Sean so much that I just seeing his face angers me, and I previously liked the actor on other shows. Sean is a few years older than the college kids in Felicity, and I can’t recall if he want to school himself. He owns/rents an apartment that he sublets to Ben throughout the four years. Julie, Noel and other characters also crash with Sean for a while.

Sean is aware that hanging out with these youngers kids is odd, but that’s all the self-awareness that this bloke can muster. He fancies himself an inventor, especially of foodstuffs, but no one has the heart to tell him that he shouldn’t quit his day job (which he doesn’t have, anyway, and the lack of money comes up more than once). Sean flits between get-rich-quick-schemes without realizing that he’s wasting time and money (both his and others’).

Eventually, Sean winds up focusing on a documentary of Felicity and co, and there’s initially some interest. However, he once again puts all his eggs in one basket and winds up with nothing. Surprise.

I think we’re supposed to feel bad for him when we meet his dad who happens to be just as useless. I get it. He can’t help it. Fuck off. Yes he can. Be a god damned adult you piece of shit.

Meghan Rotundi

Meghan is, initially, Felicity’s roommate. She’s a Wiccan, goth and also a bitch. She gives no fucks and seems to be the most genuine of the characters. We don’t like Meghan so much as a person but as a character? She’s golden.Eventually, she and Sean hook up and

Eventually, she and Sean hook up and wnid up dating, and she moves in with him and his roommates. Megan slowly-but-surely loses her edge and becomes one of Felicity’s most supportive friends. This plotline could have been done worse, but it also could have been done better. I suspect Meghan was never intended to be more than a foil, and the writers had trouble fully fleshing her out.

Elena Tyler

Elena is a strange character, and I never much liked her. Initially, she lived on Felicity’s dorm floor. They became friends, and eventually wind up becoming roommates. Elena is the stereotypical angry black girl, and maybe it’s that box that I just don’t dig.

Elena also consistently makes piss-poor decisions regarding men, first sleeping with a professor, dating someone who has made it clear he doesn’t want sex before marriage, walking out on her own wedding, leading on an overweight-but-nice guy and finally leaving him for her ex.

Javier Quintata

Javier is Felicity-then-Ben’s boss at a coffee shop. He befriends the group, and he mostly exist for comic relief. He’s a stereotypical gay man with both the lisp to prove it and a Spanish accent. While often a sweetheart to Felicity, Javier asks for favors that no one should ever ask (will she marry him for a green card, will she be his surrogate, etc) but gets away with it because he’s from another culture – and funny.

Much of Javier’s plotline has to do with his relationship with his support boyfriend-turned-husband, but then they suddenly split. There’s no reason for this except to allow Javier to spend more time with the college kids whom he employs.

Ruby

Ruby doesn’t even get a last name, guys! She doesn’t have a lot of other things either: a voice that doesn’t grate when she speaks, a face worth looking at or chemistry with Noel, with whom she’s involved. Intelligence also seems to be lacking on that list. What a winning combination!

Edward Porter

Felicity’s dad is a an overbearing monster who becomes a fucking mess. Get the fuck out.

Trevor

While Trevor is played by the adorable Christopher Gorham, he’s an idiot who furthers the plot for Ben slightly.

Barbara Porter

Felicity’s mom is the reason her dad becomes a fucking mess. She’s just as overbearing and pretentious as fuck. Die in a fire, will you?

Andrew Covington

You know when an actor you like plays an asshole? That’s John Ritter as Ben’s alcoholic and abusive father. We see a few episodes featuring Andrew in the later seasons. Trust me when I say you’ll wish he dies. (He doesn’t)

Richard Coad

The final wanker on this list (although far from the last character on this show who makes me seethe) is Richard. He’s a fellow student on Felicity’s dorm floor in the first year, and he tries to blackmail Noel into giving him perks lest he expose Noel and Felicity’s relationship.

Eventually, Richard falls in with Sean while he’s making the documentary, and the pair invade other peoples’ personal space in a way that’s mostly certainly illegal by 2016 standards. Toward the end of the show, Richard proves he’s an ignorant, hurtful racist but, for some unknown reason, Elena forgives him.

Richard was always intended to be annoying and he is – in spades!

I think it’s fair to say that I also hate the writers of Felicity – and the stylists. I loved Felicity’s curly hair but, slowly and then all-at-once they decide she suddenly needs to straighten her hair and wear a ton of makeup. It may represent some of the cultural changes happening at that time, but it’s disappointing.