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If I blogged about my life on a more frequent basis, a lot of posts would be about how fucked up my sleeping schedule is. Last night, I woke up at around 6pm. It’s crazy, I know. I hate waking up that late. I hate waking up and it being dark or near dark, but it happens because it takes me so long to go to sleep. I get stuck on these schedules until, one day, I just decided to stay up as long as possible, and I eventually get back to schedule I like. Yet, it only seems to last a few days at most, and I go through the cycle all over again.

I suppose what I need to do is get on a schedule. It’d probably be best all around, but I hate the sound of an alarm. I hate waking up when I don’t have to, and that’s exactly what I’m thinking when I crawl back into bed. That I just want to enjoy my sleep because I can. And I’m certainly no good when I haven’t had enough sleep, and getting enough quality sleep is hard when the cats are so bothersome on a daily basis.

Ideally, I’d wake up at 11. I’d be up before noon, have a few hours to myself while the roommate napped and be able to hang out with people during the day. This would put me to bed sometime in the early morning hours.. except I need far more than 8 hours of sleep it seems, especially when it takes at least 3 to fall asleep.

Well, that’s enough of my first world problems. I suppose I’d down some Benadryl and try to sleep for a few hours.

I don’t know why but I constantly forget how significant certain things are when it comes to my mood. Being well rested, fed and clean among them. In hindsight, those are pretty significant things on that pyramid of survival — you know the one I mean, even if I forget the name — and I’m sure everyone agrees about food and sleep, even if I’m more of a clean freak than others. Still, I will let myself be hungry for hours or prolong my shower, even though dealing with those things right now will make me feel a million times better even if nothing else about my day changes.

And it’s ridiculous because every time I finally do eat or sleep or shower or decide to pop some medicine to kill that headache, I’m like “oh my god! I feel so good. Why did I wait to do that? What is wrong with me?” My productivity shoots through the roof, my mood elevates and everything is all fine and dandy until the next time I feel hunger or the next morning when I put off my shower.

I am weird, man.

I intended for today to be a lazy, do-nothin’ type of day. Yet, somehow, I feel accomplished. The plan was to stay in my pajamas for the few hours I’d be awake, do a little writing, catch a snack and go back to bed. While I still plan to hit the hay sooner than later (let me fill you in on a secret: it was already dark when I woke up today!), I feel as though I’ve already finished so much.

As I type this, I am winding down and watching a movie: The Nightmare Before Christmas (I’ve finally opened my collector’s edition–it’s only been over a year!). I wrote, rooted my phone, edited some final settings after my second Windows reinstall, put away laundry, showered and shaved and even cleaned the toilet. Combined with the cleaning I did this morning, I am some sort of awesome get-er-done robot. With boobs.

Perhaps I feel accomplished because I set out to do nothing and did anything at all. Regardless, it feels good and anxiety is low.

There is nothing I like more than falling asleep easily or waking up feeling restful. However, this rarely happens. The other day, I was so tired I fell asleep watching TV and I woke up a bit later, thinking “Wow, I never fall asleep without realizing it anymore.” And it’s true.

Yesterday, I spent 5 hours lying in bed (and sometimes on the couch), trying to fall asleep. I took some melatonin, which did me no good. Mostly, I lie awake worrying about things that have happened, things that will happen. My mind keeps running even if my body is completely exhausted. It can be painful to keep my eyes open, yet my heart pounds and, in my brain, I’m thinking all sorts of things: ideas for blog posts and forum threads, layout designs, what I’ll eat the next day, how I’ll form an article for Demand Studios, whether I need to do any chores, what time I need to wake up to perform activity X. It just doesn’t stop.

I know I’m not alone and that makes me feel better but it doesn’t help, exactly. And neither do the cats who will paw at the walls, beat on the mirror, meow out the window, chase one another and claw at the carpet. I’ve been keeping a bottle of water on the night stand to spray at Goliath when he’s naughty (he’ll run at the sight of it, some mornings) but it’s so incredibly hard to fall asleep.

Or stay asleep. I’ll wake after a few fitful minutes of sleep and start back at square one. I’ll do this 5 or 6 times a night, some nights. It’s horrible. i’m sure the stress of my life makes it worse but, the truth is, I’ve always had trouble sleeping but I haven’t always realized it. Sometimes, we don’t realize that what we accept as “normal” is, in reality, unhealthy.

I know it now, but I’m still stumped. It seems like the effectiveness of my relaxation CD has worn off and I’ll have to look for a new solution.