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I have a few, somewhat scattered thoughts, none of which is long enough to dedicate an entire blog post but each of which has lingered long enough that perhaps I should write something about them. So here goes.

The first was triggered by this post on Twitter.

https://twitter.com/yrfatfriend/status/1038933769690861568

I replied an entire thread worth of thoughts. But it basically boils down to:

• I’d be physically more comfortable, both by myself and around others.
• I’d feel less compelled to overcompensate for how I look in other ways (ie clothes, makeup, and hair).
• I’d have more confidence in the dating realm.

But there was one thing — an absolutely huge thing — that I forgot; I would view women, especially thin women, less as competition. I would judge them less harshly and experience fewer bitter thoughts.

These are not trivial matters. Nor are they fleeting. These are lifelong issues with which I’ve struggled, and they’ve colored my entire worldview. It’s significant.. and sad. it is also hopefully something I can work through in time (and I have made progress).

Another thought bouncing around my head is how is how anxiety is experienced so differently by others. I’ll admit, this is something I’ve been thinking about for some time, ever since I commented on a blog and the blogger responded quite negatively. She was expressing her anxiety and vulnerability, and I thought we could bond over my similar anxiety. I remarked on a coping strategy, which she took as criticism, no doubt because of how her anxiety manifests.

It’s somewhat ironic that this interaction has left me with such anxiety. The blogger in question is a person who I admire and who, in some respects, I think I could get along with well. While I thought it was a sure thought that leading with how my anxiety affected me in similar situations would serve as a connection point, I was wrong.

Aside from that, I’ve been considering how easy it is to be impatient when people react in certain ways due to their anxiety even though I am no stranger to anxiety myself. I suppose it’s easier to ask for others to be patient than it is to dole out patience myself.

Patience is something that’s been on my mind a lot recently. I do not find myself particularly patient with some friends and family, and my shortage highlights the fact that the only way I get through/survive these relationships is by expressing an exorbitant amount of patience. I always feel disappointed in myself during times when I feel unable to come through with patience. But perhaps I need to re-examine why I continue with these relationships if they’re such a trial, to begin with?

Finally, I’ve been thinking a lot about locations. My trip to Seattle reminded me how much I like bigger cities — places where restaurants are in abundance and open late, where Sunday doesn’t equate to closed, and where public transportation is an option worth considering. These conveniences were some of the things I really liked about living in Milwaukee. I enjoy how “metropolitan” I feel when I am in these places and doing the things that seem less out of place in them.

A few years ago, I was considering buying a house here. Now,  I am so glad that I didn’t. I am not sure where I want to go, but I am almost certain that I must leave, and my recent trip was a reminder of that.

So, there you are.

I thought. I blogged. I conquered?

When it came down to choosing an apartment, and there were only two decent options, I didn’t like this one at first. Location seemed to be a dealbreaker. It seemed so far out o the way from, well, everything. The first apartment I liked was literally just a block away from the grocery store and Walgreens, which is a big selling point. The neighborhood seemed to be altogether nicer, too. However, I’m finding some pretty awesome upsides to this neighborhood:

• It’s older, so there’s a lot of neat architecture
• There’s a gas station within walking distance, and I’m close to everything that’s downtown
• I’m within walking distance from Mom’s house and my uncle’s, too
• There’s lots of alleys and parking lot shortcuts
• Trees! When you’re crossing the bridge to this side of town, all you see is a hill full of trees!

Although the neighborhood is kind of sketchy not too far away, I’ve had no problems living in this very neighborhood. In fact, it hasn’t been as bad as I’d expected; although, some of the neighbors in this building are effing rude. I’ve really enjoyed walking to and from Mom’s. I take some of the same roads as I did when I was walking to school as a teen because I’m only three blocks from the house where we lived during those years. It’s a trip.

I walked to the store that’s near the other apartment the other day. I realized that the neighborhood over there isn’t really any better, and it’s not quite as enjoyable. I get to take these winding walks now, across bridges and over train tracks, and it’s all just very enjoyable.

I guess that one word sums up how it is to live on my own, now.

Having successfully spent more than one night in the new apartment—a good three weeks after I signed the lease—I am now operating in what I call “quirks mode.” That is, I am learning the quirks of the new place. For example, the mailbox door requires you to push down to open it and you may have to push the dishwasher door slightly to the right in order to shut it properly. The ceiling light in my bedroom makes a slight buzzing noise, sometimes, and the switch operates it from high-medium and then to low. I wish I could say the water heater issues were only due to a quirk but that is not the issue and it required a plumber (albeit, a fairly good looking one) to fix it. Four days without hot water may not sound that extreme but I can tell you that it felt awful and there was nothing more amazing than taking a hot shower this morning. I will have to remember to be grateful for that.

It is that very same gratefulness that will pull me through when I’ve had a bad day, when I’ve dropped furniture on my fingers or toes, when the DirecTV technician incorrectly informs me of policies and fails to install the damned thing after I have waited all day, when the cats have kept me up at night and I have been unable to fall asleep despite a very important meeting in the morning. When the Internet is shoddy and I have had one too many quirks for my liking, I will remember to be grateful. Hopefully, I will not wind up hating my home as I have previous abodes.

Because, hey, nothing can really be that bad as long as you have a hot shower—and your own bathroom to shower in, even if the cats keep forcing the door open because it does not close all the way. d=

Not 3 days after posting a mopey thread at DayDreamz about not knowing where I’m going to live and being upset about this whole ordeal.. Well, let me explain.

Yesterday, I was officially here a month. After spending weeks looking for places over the phone, with my cousin, she decided to back out suddenly. Wendy piped up and said she’d like to move with me so I sent her and mom on apartment searches. We found a really nice place.. who took two weeks to reject us and basically rented the place right out from under us. “So Sorry, try next month.” We were unhappy.

My wishes to have a place ready for me pretty much fell through at that point. I sent Wendy on more apartment views–many of which sucked. We finally found one that was affordable and decent but, it took them 5 weeks to deny us, essentially. It was a combination of me moving and their utter lack of professionalness and disorganization. By the time yesterday rolled around, this “sure shot” seemed doomed and we were looking for more apartments.

Or apartment.

Wendy wasn’t at all happy on the way to the first place. Everything seemed to be delighting in making us miserable. We’d already had to pay for another month’s rent at her old place (the one at which she’d already put in her notice). I tried to convince her that maybe this was meant to be–that maybe the place we were about to see was really fucking awesome and it was all happening for a reason. Yea, I wasn’t buying it either.

After some Google map mishaps, we found the place and she wasn’t happy with the outside looks. To be honest, the exterior and the hallways within the buildings are extremely plain but.. the apartment. My god.

Is amazing. Two large bedrooms. Two full bathrooms. Real carpet. Tons of closets. New appliances. Garage. Adjustable lighting (in my room!) A patio. And a washer and dryer in its own room.

The woman who showed us the place wanted to know if we were serious and, if so, she’d put our application in ASAP. She did and we continued to look but I fretted. We’d been turned down by two places. One because we essentially didn’t make enough and the other because we made too much.

But, I was right bitches.

We were approved within the hour and we will be heading over this morning to sign the lease. And maybe use the washer and dryer. I don’t know. It’s all just amazing.

I feel a certain sense of smug satisfaction that I was right. Things did happen for a reason! I can call this morning and have my stuff delivered to my new home. I won’t have to live out of luggage anymore.

I almost started crying when she told us we were approved and I am crying now because this has all been so exhausting and I am just.. flabbergasted that it took a month and a half for two places to fuck us around and only an hour for one place to make my fucking year.

It will be a struggle to move Wendy and all her stuff but it will be well worth it in the end, for sure.

It’s been quiet around here, sorry. Things in my life are still turbulent but in a weirdly boring way and not very entertaining. Except for this conversation I had with Wendy regarding Lego Batman:

Me: You can use the Penguin’s umbrella as a gun and it makes him float through the air, too.
Wendy: That doesn’t make any sense! He’s too heavy to float.
Me: Out of all of the unrealistic things that could possibly bother you in this game, you pick that?!

Anyway, we hung out at Mom’s on Thanksgiving and despite her feeding nearly 20 people, it went really well–for the most part. There’s always some family drama and this year was no exception but I was able to help Mom out a lot and spend time with Samantha and that’s all that counts.

I have adjusted quite well to the weather, despite having a persistent cough left over from a cold my second week here. We had some chilly days that week, in the single digits, but it’s surprisingly warm tonight and rained all day today. It’s amazing to me that it could be warm enough here for rain at the end of November. It’s also more than amusing when I want to go for a walk and Wendy or someone else whines because it’s too cold. Hello?! Who spent most of the year in Texas? That’s right, bitches. I’m hardcore like that.

This post is winding up being rather incoherent but writing it has made me smile. I just want to say that I hope you have been well and I am grateful for you to be reading this. I’ve probably never been as thankful as I was this Thanksgiving.