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Guys are, like, just shit at making good impressions on dating websites. Do they honestly have no idea how badly they fuck this up? I mean, it’s painfully obvious.. to me, at least.

Save me the fucking hassle and make some changes according to these “polite” suggestions. You might just get more attention, even if it’s not from me (it won’t be).

1. Fill out your profile, fuck face.

Don’t just tell me to “ask you.” If I know nothing about you, then what could I possible ask. How about “Why are you so lazy that you can’t do the one thing to ensure you get any attention here?” Does that do it for you. Christ.

2. No, you do not “work hard and play harder.”

I mean, come on. What the hell does this even mean? It must be super important to you and every one of the other thousands guys whose profile proudly displays this cliche. I get it. You’re from Wisconsin. You probably work a terrible factory or farm job. You may have a farmer’s tan. And when it falls dark, you get absolutely shitfaced to deal with how much you deal with your life. Yea, that’s what I take out of that unoriginal dribble. Try harder, try again.

3. Take a Fucking Selfie

I don’t why this never occurs to guys but all your photos should not be group photos. I need at least one clear, closeup photo of your face, ie, a selfie. It’s cool that you do things, that you have friends and that you get hot chicks to pose in photos for you (although, I have no idea why this is a trend). But I need to know what your face looks like so I can know if I want to gaze at it, kiss it, so on and so forth. Your action shots aren’t doing that.

Even worse, when every photo is you and the same three guys, how the hell am I suppose to know who you are?

So take a damn selfie. Then you won’t have to poorly crop your ex out of the photo.

4. Your Tinder profile picture should be a God damned picture of you.

No sports logos. Not a carton character. Okay. This is about hooking up. Attraction is a must. If you do that, you’re killing your chances. There’s no doubt about it.

5. Read my fucking profile.

My POF profile actually contains specific instructions about something you should mention when you message me. If you don’t, then you paid no attention. If you can’t bother to pay attention to me at the point during which you’re supposed to be impressing me, what could I expect while dating or in a relationship? The answer is not much. I’m okay with avoiding that slippery slope.

6. Don’t send multiple messages.

Get the fucking hint. If I sign on every day and don’t reply, I am not interested. Even if you think we’re a good match. Even if you think your message was clever. But especially if we have nothing in common or if you made any of the previous mistakes on this list. If I don’t reply, I am not interested. I’m sorry, okay?

Wait, no, I’m not. That’s my option and you need to take the hint.

I don’t expect perfection, poetry or profundity. But Jesus Christ, can you manage to come off as a decent human being who is real?

There, I said it.

I mean, dating at 26 is weird because it’s the first time in my life I’ve actually done all the awkward do-I, does-he, do-we stuff in person. So there’s that.

And dating is weird when you’re divorced. I inevitably have to bring it up, to explain why and to detail my ex-husband’s role in my life (none). I feel pretty self conscious about that.

With Facebook? Dating is even weirder. I can’t quite say everything I want to say because even if the person I’m discussing isn’t on my friends list, someone who knows them is. Words spreads quickly in a small city like this.

Finally, dating is weird when you become romantically involved with people who have historically been your friend. I’d never expected to have to navigate that road. It’s just. Strange. It’s slow and awkward. It’s still fun and exciting, but you’ve got to be careful when becoming more-than-friends. In fact, I think this is trickier than dating someone who was previously a stranger. There’s just so much at risk.

So, you can guess what I’ve been doing from this post.

Once I went on a date
with a guy who stood six-eight
the conversation wasn’t that great
so I just stared at my plate

I was ready to admit defeat
but he thought I was pretty neat
and talking to me was a treat

I should have ran away
Don’t know why I chose to stay
especially when I heard him say
Women sure define stalking in a funny way

Though our date was doomed to fail
it has helped me write this tale
of a most disconcerting male..

Creepy Tall Guy