The first was triggered by this post on Twitter.

A thought experiment for my fellow fat folks: who would you be if you hadn’t been taught to hate your body?

— ???? Your Fat Queer Friend ???? (@yrfatfriend) September 9, 2018

I replied an entire thread worth of thoughts. But it basically boils down to:

• I’d be physically more comfortable, both by myself and around others.
• I’d feel less compelled to overcompensate for how I look in other ways (ie clothes, makeup, and hair).
• I’d have more confidence in the dating realm.

But there was one thing — an absolutely huge thing — that I forgot; I would view women, especially thin women, less as competition. I would judge them less harshly and experience fewer bitter thoughts.

These are not trivial matters. Nor are they fleeting. These are lifelong issues with which I’ve struggled, and they’ve colored my entire worldview. It’s significant.. and sad. it is also hopefully something I can work through in time (and I have made progress).

Another thought bouncing around my head is how is how anxiety is experienced so differently by others. I’ll admit, this is something I’ve been thinking about for some time, ever since I commented on a blog and the blogger responded quite negatively. She was expressing her anxiety and vulnerability, and I thought we could bond over my similar anxiety. I remarked on a coping strategy, which she took as criticism, no doubt because of how her anxiety manifests.

It’s somewhat ironic that this interaction has left me with such anxiety. The blogger in question is a person who I admire and who, in some respects, I think I could get along with well. While I thought it was a sure thought that leading with how my anxiety affected me in similar situations would serve as a connection point, I was wrong.

Aside from that, I’ve been considering how easy it is to be impatient when people react in certain ways due to their anxiety even though I am no stranger to anxiety myself. I suppose it’s easier to ask for others to be patient than it is to dole out patience myself.

Patience is something that’s been on my mind a lot recently. I do not find myself particularly patient with some friends and family, and my shortage highlights the fact that the only way I get through/survive these relationships is by expressing an exorbitant amount of patience. I always feel disappointed in myself during times when I feel unable to come through with patience. But perhaps I need to re-examine why I continue with these relationships if they’re such a trial, to begin with?

Finally, I’ve been thinking a lot about locations. My trip to Seattle reminded me how much I like bigger cities — places where restaurants are in abundance and open late, where Sunday doesn’t equate to closed, and where public transportation is an option worth considering. These conveniences were some of the things I really liked about living in Milwaukee. I enjoy how “metropolitan” I feel when I am in these places and doing the things that seem less out of place in them.

A few years ago, I was considering buying a house here. Now,  I am so glad that I didn’t. I am not sure where I want to go, but I am almost certain that I must leave, and my recent trip was a reminder of that.

So, there you are.

I thought. I blogged. I conquered?

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