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I have been watching more new (to me) TV as of late. When I saw that Sex and the City was on Amazon, I figured I’d give it a go. It was a big deal when it was relevant. And a cast of women in their 30s is still virtually unheard of. Perhaps it would better fit my life as a 32-year-old woman.

So I dove in.

And I do have some praise. SATC was so ahead of its time in terms of feminism and women’s right. Every time Miranda or Samantha demanded equality (whether it be financial or orgasm), I cheered them on. Same goes for the frank talk about abortions. Why are we backsliding, society?

The honest discussions about sex were so culturally important, and they remain to this day. Women talking about, even demanding their own pleasure? Whoa! Oral sex, toys, and bondage were all up for discussion. Awesome.

I cannot forget about the way that these women supported each other, even when they were not necessarily in agreement.

As I watched, I couldn’t help but try to figure out… who am I?

Since SATC is no longer a cultural phenomenon, the Internet isn’t littered with quizzes telling you which of the women you are. But it used to be, and it’s natural to consider. To no one’s surprise, Miranda resonated with me the most — in both positive and negative ways. She’s certainly pragmatic, but she can also be judgmental. Samantha’s sex-positive and feminist messages are also mirrored in my own behavior, but if I am being quite honest, I am not as much like her as I would want to be.

I am neither as prudish or romantic as Charlotte. Although, I do like her taste. Where it gets tricky is the comparison with Carrie. I might share some characteristics with the narrator and main character of the show, but I am likely blinded to them because I fucking hate her.

That’s right, boys and girls. This might as well be titled I Hate Carrie Bradshaw.

Honestly, I get it. She’s a trainwreck. Drama makes for entertainment. I am certain that some people tuned in every week for this reason alone. And yet, it didn’t make it entertaining for me. In the beginning, it was bearly, but I found myself watching and actively angry toward the middle. By the time I finished the series, I was just glad to be done and had no desire to watch either of the movies. In some ways, I am perplexed that Sex and the City was such a hit. Although, I recognize that preferences are personal.

It’s hard to get over the foolish decisions Carrie makes regarding Big. I know that love makes you do stupid things, but I had no idea that their love affair started literally in the first episode. Big is neither charming nor good looking, so this only further confuses me. It’s not just that I prefer Aidan. Carrie is consistently making poor choices, some of which seem to fall on the writers. I know I am not the only one who thought Carrie and Aleks were breaking up right before she moved to Paris?!?

And Carrie’s high-pitched squealing and giggle was the epitome of immature and inappropriate. I can only pray that the directors want this and it was not a natural part of Sarah Jessica Parker’s personality. To be quite honest, it was downright embarrassing for me as a viewer.

I also found it unrealistic how hard the writers worked to craft poignant lines in her column, but Carrie was rarely able to articulate anything off the cuff. I know, I know. When you have time to sit down, the words come more easily, more gracefully. But I couldn’t buy that Carrie was sometimes so eloquent while most of the time she was so clueless.

There are other ways in which the show remains unrealistic. Carrie’s life as a freelancer could not support her shopping addiction. And while it was discussed, it just did not seem an accurate portrayal of life in NYC.

Sometimes, even the things that were accurate stand out in not-so-positive ways. The frequency with which any of the characters light up a cigarette, especially in public places, its nigh unheard of in 2018. Thank your deity of choice. I’ve been enjoying a few shows made in the 90s and early 2000s, so it’s impossible to ignore the lack of cell phones or the severely outdated designs where they do exist. It’s actually nice in its way. But the smoking thing is a prescient reminder of how far we’ve come, and I couldn’t be happier.

Perhaps that’s what I got out of watching Sex and the City. Although specifics have changed, there are some evergreen ideas around womanhood, friendship, and love. The questions Carrie posts and attempts to answer in her column are those we are still asking. I just wish the person asking them wasn’t so abhorrent.

I remembered 5-10 years ago when I was apart of countless forums where web design was all the rage. To me, to everyone, it seemed like the future was limitless and that we could do anything we wanted. Back then, being able to successfully call an image or make a link was cause for excitement. And I was hooked. So I took a bite of the possibilities and hopped on the blog train before they weren’t considered anything different than journals. I had affiliates, I made fanlistings and cliques and joined webrings and, for the most part, still maintain much of that. I made my own forums on Delphi. I dived in head first.

Then I took some time to weed out what it was I really wanted to do. I stepped away from cartoon dolls and trying to have my own forums. I slowly weened the list of projects to the ones I cared about the most and, of course, this site was always at the top of that list. I spent hours working on content which was all the rage. I looked up HTML help and tricks and CSS guides and Javascripts and shortcuts and includes and colour charts. I commented and linked and associated with very similar people with very similar sites. At that time, Web2.0 was far in the distance, everything was graphic intensive (and, usually, beautiful) and everyone and their dog had a site. We were all still learning and making mistakes together.

Then, something happened. Maybe people grew up. Maybe we just got to a point where we could comfortably do what we wanted without learning much more or anything more. I know I’ve been there for a while. I could make new themes, add new content and continue doing things the way I’ve been doing them without learning anything new. It feels kind of stagnant. Back then, I learned basic HTML, I learned tables, then frames, then divs then increased my understanding of CSS and it seemed like progression was obvious and logical but now I don’t know where I’d go even if I wanted to. I suppose PHP is the future and I’d gleaned some information here and there, especially using WordPress, but it doesn’t thrill me the way learning something new used to.

There’s not really anyone else whose thrilled either. I definitely think we all fed off the excitement of the group and it encouraged us to do more, go bigger. It’s harder to keep up the frenzy when you’re alone in it. But there’s this general trend of folks getting on with their lives and the internet just doesn’t play as big a part of that anymore. There’s school and work and families and stuff I have somehow managed to avoid and now I’m a remnant of something that will probably never come back and I miss it.

Of course, there’s people left who are still trudging on but now that the internet has made the transition to 2.0, I find myself alienated by the new trends. There is no inspiration for me anywhere; I do not want to do what people are doing and, even if I did, what they’re doing doesn’t feel remarkable the way everything used to feel. I guess I’m just not a big fan of function over form.

Man, I write all these posts where I am nostalgic for the past, especially when it comes to the internet. I’m not that old; how does that even work?

Life changes. Can’t help it. Can fight it. I do. I fight everything.

Am so looking forward to heading back home – to my home state, at least. At being able to see friends and family more than twice a year (or less). Even looking forward to school and working (but praying I won’t have to work anyplace like Wal-mart again).

But it still won’t be the same and, in some ways, it kills me. Ashley might even be gone by the time I get to Wisconsin and while Milwaukee is much closer to home than San Antonio, it’s still not Wausau. For better or worse. I enjoyed the city a lot when I was there. To tell the truth, I don’t know if I ever want to return to Wausau; I just don’t want to be as far away, at least, not if I’m going to hate it.

And I don’t know how life will feel without the Air Force always fucking Ryan over. We’re both nervous about job and finance issues but I’m sure it will be okay in the end. Can’t help but worry, of course.

I just worry that if everything is different, maybe it’s not worth going back to. Maybe I’m trying to reclaim a life I left behind when I should be forging a new one instead?

I dunno.