Were someone to ask me right now “How are you?” I would have no choice but to answer “Fan-fucking-tastic!” I haven’t felt this great in years.
As a side note, I’ve updated the guess the movie and the guess the lyric pages and uploaded a new song for your downloading pleasure.
Walking today, I noticed a group of teenagers – both girls and guys, some walking and some riding bikes. I head the familiar shrieks and squeals and laughter and I panged. Something pulled at the strings of my heart and told me to take another look, to make that passing glance linger longer.
Sometimes still I regret being the introvert me, the anger, bitterness, resentment and pretention that I exuded which only further alienated myself, rather than welcoming new friendships which could have held such potential.
Sometimes still I wish I had been popular – with the right people. I wish I had been the “it” girl who, while she may not have been the “brightest crayon in the box,” had the boyfriend, the friends (the right friends), the money, the looks, and the laugh.
Sometimes still I wish I was hated by those you wanted to be me, adored by those who clung to me, and watched from afar by those who wanted to be with me.
Sometimes still I regret declining that invitation, skipping that dance, letting those angered words escape my lips and not making myself more approachable.
Sometimes still I have regrets, even when I claim I don’t.
But life is not, nor should it ever be, about regrets. Too much valuable time is spent on “what ifs” and while there are a lot of what ifs, what ifs do not amount to a lot.
In the end, I wouldn’t trade this for anything. I may bitch and moan and whine and complain but I am further than I was yesterday and tomorrow I will be further still.
I would not even trade this to have Amanda back. While I miss her dearly, she is gone and for whatever reason, she is meant to be where she is. As I am meant to be where I am and wherever I will be is where I meant meant to be then. This doesn’t mean that I will vegitate in this place forever; no, I will do everything in my power to leave but I will always be where I am meant to be.
But just because I am meant to be there, doesn’t mean I will like it. I may have been destined to spend two decades in Wausau, but I know now, with all my being, that it’s simply wrong to be so far from my husband.
But I would not trade it. Why, you ask? Because I have that which I need most. I have love. And while love may think – he may think – that I have been the saviour all along, it is love – it is him – who has saved me more times and in more ways that I could even name, even if I spent my entire lifetime trying.
To sum it all up: It is good to be alive.
I owe you all an update – on the site, my life, friendships, work and everything.
Some things don’t change – same job, same apartment, same site, same husband (of course) and the same roommate.
The site is the same, too, but not. My host had some issues with the server on which my site is, and hence the site when down. I was less than thrilled that they didn’t contact me at all, so I contacted them (unfortunately, my internet was also being shitty at the time so this took aaaaages) and they alerted me of the situation so I was just waiting for the site to return.
When it did, no one could visit it because it asked you to login and there was no “right” login: you just got a “authorized personal only” popup. Funny, isn’t it because the word is personnel. XD
It turned out that some file was making the site go crazy and while it may have existed it didn’t do anything until the server issues and once we got that fixed, my site kept loading the WP index.. which no one is supposed to see!
So, if you did see it, forget it. ;) It took a bit, but the splash page finally shows up again.
Also sitely related, I have a new affiliate. Visit Lotte!
Nonsitely related, I’m counting down the days until I move. I’m planning to leave Wausau for Milwaukee after the lease is up. It will only be a few months, but it will be enough time to spend some time in someplace else, with more people, more to do, so I can really live a bit. Plus, I’ll be able to spend more time with my aunt, whom I really like, and cousin down there, and the family in Chicago.
Though Ashley says it won’t happen (because I have lots of ideas all the time and I don’t usually go through with them) I have no reason to stay here and no place to go, either, once the lease is up.
I’ll probably stay with my aunt for a while and temp a bit. If worse comes to worst, I’ll transfer to another Wal-mart, though I’m reluctant to do so. Hopefully, it’ll be easy enough to find my own place and easier to live without a rooommate.
Wendy.. is a unique person. She’s cute, sometimes annoying, energetic but too submissive and unassertive for her own good (and mine) sometimes. If I send her an e-mail or write her a note she never replies (and I don’t see any improvement) and sometimes I have to ask her 3 or 4 times, face to face, to get a straight answer about things.
I thought that living with a friend would mean I’d do more but she rarely wants to do anything when I do, thus we only do stuff when she wants to and she pretty much refuses to drive me anywhere.
It’s only made worse by how she locks herself in her room. (I wonder if she thinks I do the same?) It makers her seem unapproachable and me feel alienated and alone. )=
Also, she isn’t very helpful. She owes me money and I think Iv’e been pretty understanding but I would like to see it come back to me someday, and the sooner the better. Besides that, I don’t think she’s ever touched a broom in the past almost year she’s lived here. I always have to clean hte kitchen, bathroom and front hall. I don’t expect her to clean the living room because it’s almost always my mess but the other two rooms are (usually) mutually messy.
When I have to do it all myself, I do it less frequently than I should and sometimes I wind up letting things go (the dishes, the garbage) just to see if she’ll do it but the garbage never gets switched or taken out unless I do it, or ask her to. Also, she never washed the towels and if I wash them, she’ll just throw them on the dryer instead of folding them. I at least help out by putting dishes away she’s washed and it shows that I know she did something.
She’s just not good roommate material and while I feel like she’s ‘dumping’ me to go live with her sister in a few months, I’ll be relieved to not have to deal with having to wonder why she couldn’t just put the bills (which were stamped!) into the mailbox isntead of on the entertainment center where I only accidentally found then. Speaking of which, the electric company sent us another bill and it says we owe $450-some dollars which isn’t right at all.
Sometimes, I wonder why I even bother with friends.. I finally got fed up with hearing Ashe always bitching about not having a job when she obviously wasn’t searching very hard at all (hey, I’ve been there and we all think we’re doing more than we are). I gave up trying to tell her nicely and told her in plain English to “get a fucking job.” Then, she went and posted it in her blog and went on with other things that made me not so happy.
So, I sunk lower than I should have and said things I feel sorry for saying but that I meant. I gave her honesty in less than friendly terms and I told her she wouldn’t get that from any of her other friends. I now consider the friendship severed because I figure it’s best we both cut our losses. I think it was coming to this for a while, anyway but it’s still sad..
It angers me that she still hasn’t gotten her stuff from my house. In fact she came over yesterday and left it. Come Tuesday, it’s out with the trash.
It makes me wonder, now, if any of the friends I made in high school.. were meant to be. If any of them will last because most of them I never talk to (because both parties don’t make the effort), I don’t talk to enough to have a good friendship, or we have had some sort of falling out.
On the bright side – I’m really feeling sooo much better about Rian and I. Things have been rocky-ish lately and it affected me to such an extent that I was feeling quite devastated even after we’d talked about it and worked some things about. However, I’ve been grinnign like an idiot and generally really happy about us lately. <3 name="work">Lastly my job still sucks and I’m pretty much counting down the days until I’m out of there.
Well, that’s how the saying goes, isn’t it?
Money has been on my mind quite a bit recently. For starters, I just finished my taxes and what should have been a healthy little exercise turned out to be quite a lot less fun than normal (which isn’t much fun at all).
I had done my taxes on the H&R Block website last year, for free, so went to sign in this year. I go through the whole process without a problem and get to the end and leave it to check on a few things with Rian (and in hopes that it will somehow give me more of a refund. lol) and I get back, thining all I have to do is basically “click” send when it tells me that I can’t e-file (on any site, period) because of my filing status.
Fine, I’ll just print it out so I talk to their chat helper person – the first one who doesn’t recieve my messages and closes the window sooo I talk to another and he keeps telling me to click links which aren’t there because, as it turns out, I have to pay. He tells me that, in order to use this service for free, I need to register a new account and cannot import any of my information.
Okay, fiiine! Be that way if you want. So I go to register a new account and they won’t let me select the status I want at all! After a few phone calls to the IRS, I order some forms to be sent to me because I have no printer ink and don’t know the password to Wendy’s computer. >_>
However, my aunt and I stopped off at the library a few days later and picked up the forms I needed (and instructions!) after I went driving. So, yesterday I start my taxes and I finish my federal, only to see that I somehow owe them money, but H&R Block had said I’d be getting a refund.
As it turns out, I forgot to -ahem* claim myself and after I fixed that minor error, I got the same results as I had on the web site and went ahead and did my state taxes, as well. I intended to send them off today but became distracted by Maple Story. -lol*
My taxes are about a third of what they were last years, which seems to be common among everyone I know. -stomps* I want money, dammit!
Speaking of – we finally recieved our bonus checks from work for not going over our alloted accidents for the safety committee. They kept telling us it was “$500” but it turns out, that they took out taxes – about $150 from mine. They might as well not tell us to expect anything because we expect what they say and a lot of people made plans for all of the $500. I really don’t need it, but it’s the principle of the thing, y’know?
I thought I was starting to save up the money I’d spent, but my checking account has quite a bit less than I thought – I think because I forgot to factor in bills. Damn them!
As I’m looking at my account statement, I see that I’m beeing charged for Emusic.com and while I signed up for a free trial several months ago, and haven’t used it since, they seem to think it’s okay ot start billing me without even letting me know, so I sent them a scathing e-mail demanding my money back! d=
Alas, I need to throw my clothes in the washer and hit the sack, like I intended to do almost an hour and a half ago!
hearing: Ozzy – See You On The Other Side
feeling: Cold and dirty
browsing: Overhead in New York
Girl: How come you don’t eat me out anymore?
Guy: You have ridiculously strong thighs.
Girl: So?
Guy: When you cum you crush my head.
Girl: Jesus, you’re such a pussy.
–L train
