Category Archives: Thoughts

The movie “Yes, Man” really resognated with me in a powerful way. It sounds kind of silly in writing but it did. And so, I decided, with the prompting of my now ex-husband, that I needed to say yes to more things. I began to wonder if perhaps I was missing out because I was declining invitations and turning down ideas to do things simply because they did not sound immediately interesting. But, perhaps there was enjoyment to be found in doing something with people I love or simply to try new things even if they weren’t exactly my cup of tea or if my anxiety surrounding new activities can be frustrating.

So, for the past year or so, I’ve said “Yes” a lot. I’ve wound up doing things that I probably wouldn’t have done, simply to spend time with friends and family and expand my horizons. I’ve wound up having some good times and enjoying myself quite a bit and am glad of my decision to be a Yes, man. Or woman, as it may be.

I think I’ve come out on the other side of the equation, however. There’ve been a few times when saying “yes” to something wound up being pretty stressful and the payout far lower than the sacrifice or effort than I had to come in. I’ve come to the point where saying yes to some things just isn’t worth it. I never meant to say yes to every thing but it just sort of happened that I was rarely saying “no” and maybe I temporarily forgot I could reject an invitation, too.

I have been reminded of that and I’ve also been reminded that sometimes, no matter how much fun others may have and how many people I love may be doing it, some things just aren’t for me. It’s okay to say “no” when I know I’ll have felt like I’ve wasted my time after. Sometimes not doing something is exactly the change of pace I need. There’s no forcing myself to enjoy something that I just don’t find enjoyable.

I’m much more open to ideas than I once was and I think that’s the point, to consider things, to try some new things but not to run myself ragged in the process.

At what point in a new friendship is it okay to ask this question? Because I really feel awkward mentioning people in my blog — by name — if I haven’t received express permission and haven’t already been blogging about them for years. But these people are important to me and in my life and I want you to know about them. But no one in my offline life blogs and few people understand the significance of my blog or even blogging in general.

Am I fretting too much? Should I just do what feels right? Should I change names?  When did this sense of privacy and respect even come about the begin with?

It’s no big secret that I suck as relaxing and I as doing my fair share of being anxious last night as my cousin and I hit the fair. I didn’t reaally want to go but once we did and were on the rides, I had a lot of fun. It’s hard to think about how tired you are when you’re whipping around, moving back and forth or in giant circles. Adrenaline just takes over.

Although I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go on the Ring of Fire–although I’d been on it before-we climbed in. The design ensures that you pause upside down at some points and it was during these points that I felt immensely relaxed. After all, there is NO use trying to think about anything else when you’re upside down; it’s not like you can do anything about it. And everything is literally out of your control. Either the ride returns to normal and you go on with your life and it doesn’t: you die. There’s nothing to do but surrender to the moment and surrender I did, peacefully quiet while others around me screamed (or sobbed).

Yea, I’m like that.

Last week, I was arguing with Collin about rooting my phone, re-rooting, actually. I told him I planned on waiting because I knew the official Android update was on its way and Google it to show him. And you know what? It was all “TOMORROW YOU GET GINGERBREAD COLE” and I was all “TOMORROW I GET GINGERBREAD COLLIN.” Maybe I shouted, maybe I didn’t. All I know it this: I was tired. I was waiting for the management to show up for a previously-announced check, one that didn’t have me worried at all because everyone knows we only have two cats. 2. Dos. Deux.

And then Collin messaged and was like “You shouldn’t update cause it’ll make rooting harder. Rooot. Rooooot. Roooot. O hai, btw your update is out now!”

And so I grabbed my phone and checked for the update and, like oh my god, there it was. So I began downloading but it was taking too long so then I went and stood by the router. It still too long. I set my phone down and went and did stuff and, when I got back, it was locked and I realized this meant the download stopped because of my battery saver app. Fuck.

So then I unlocked it and didn’t let it lock again until the download finished but, lo and behold, the file was corrupt so I had to do it all over again. You guys, that’s totally unfair. So, during this whole thing, Wendy starts texting me on her break and she asks if the people have showed up and they totally hadn’t but by the time I sent “No” as a response, they did. The lady was in and out in thirty seconds–just like a man, I tell ya–and I was like “Wait, nevermind. They were here.”

So finally I decide to go to sleep but I can’t because I haven’t even had the chance to play with Android 2.3.3. I went up 1.3 versions, guys! So I let it install and freak out a little bit as it seems to get stuck on the “4G” screen but then it restarts a million times and zomg new stuff! I don’t want to write a review on it but there’s a few things I quite like:

• Different Sense buttons
• Skins for Sense
• The cool, colored notification bar when I’m on the phone
• Recent apps in the notification bar
• Frequently used apps
• Swype

I have a few complaints. One, it reset my ringtones and I’m too lazy to fix that. Two, I don’t know how to work the alarm anymore. I went to hit snooze and woke up two hours later. LOL Three.. Eh, I don’t know about three. I’m sure there’s one.

Anyway, my phone seems to run a lot faster. And I finally got my damned Google Music invite. This is awesome. I’ve never had a phone that was cool enough to get updates before.

Father’s Day has been over for a few hours. I suppose I could feel relieved but I don’t, not really. Lately, not having a father has weighed on me more heavily than it has in the past. Certainly, as Father’s Day looms in the horizon and the commercials are all about loving fatherly relationships and the gifts that show your thanks, I have time to wonder what it would be like if I had ever had the opportunity to celebrate Father’s Day and if I ever will. Will there be a day when I have children of my own and I craft presents from infants to a man that I love? As they grow will we create home-made gifts together?

I can’t blame the people I love for taking their dads for granted because it should be something that you can take for granted. No one should be missing something so critical to development, to happiness, to life. Yet, here I am, lacking a father and more-or-less okay without one. It perhaps took some extra hard work on my part and I fight my tendencies to be sexist (after all, I could easily say that almost every male I have ever trusted has hurt me somehow) on a daily basis but I make the effort and I come out on top in spite of it.

Perhaps that’s all there is to it. To survive this, I control myself because I certainly can’t tell people to stop having fathers or companies to stop posting Father’s Day commercials. Some things just are what they are and, in the meantime, I’m okay.