Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Aug 06

10 Different Things I’m Grateful For

These lists are usually the same. I thought I’d try out another approach.

  1. NASA. Seriously. The Curiosity rover stuff last night was amazeballs.
  2. Blogs that unexpectedly catch my interest and make me read for hours. Like this one.
  3. The fact that gravity on Earth doesn’t crush my bones. That would suck.
  4. The recent cooler weather.
  5. Torrents.
  6. Living vicariously through myfriendswho go to awesome blogging conventions.
  7. Friends who answer my sob-ridden phone calls at all fucking hours.. even if they’ve heard it all thirty times this week or they haven’t talked to me for months.
  8. That totally awkward 2-day roadtrip I took to Graceland, which I hated but made for an amazing story.
  9. Inside jokes and my friends who put up with cat puns. Srsly.
  10. People who get me, like this person:

Post card from PostSecret


Jul 31

Clutter-free is Less Anxiety for Me

Periodically, I clean out my life. Whether it’s deleting files from my hard drive, emptying my iTunes library, selling oil clothes on eBay or finally throwing out bottles of shampoo that I’m never going to use, it feels great. A while back, I went through my laptop and external hard drive, deleting bookmarks and emails that I no longer needed. Especially when it comes to my digital life, I’ve often attached myself to things–files, data, etc. It’s easy to do this with documents and emails, because they don’t require any physical space, but because of my anxiety, I keep some sort of mental tally. I see the number of files and the names of folders fly past my eyes, and it makes me nervous, restless.

At first, deleting always causes me to feel a little fear. I think “What if I needed that again?” “What if I can’t find that file again, when I need it in the future.” But once the cleanup is done, once I convince myself to get off my ass and take out the trash or clean out that drawer or just to open that folder and start clicking, I feel such a sense of relief and lightness. I love clearing up that mental space. Spring cleaning helps to defragment my mind. I know what I have and where I have it, and I don’t worry about losing things, and part of me likes being somewhat-unencumbered.

I will never be completely free. I’m not the type who can pack a bag and travel the world, but I do like having just what I need and knowing that everything I need, I have. I don’t like clutter. My uncle recently asked me what I liked to collect and I said “Nothing! I hate clutter.” In fact, things like my computer and Kindle let me live with even less clutter. I’ve been cleaning out books and movies. I can honestly see a point in my life when I have neither.

But I haven’t always been organized, so while I’m making strides now, there’s a lot of past clutter to go through, or so it feels like. And I get pretty frazzled, or fragmented, when I try to keep track of things in my head. Other people simply forget about things until such is the time when they need to remember, but I’m not so good at forgetting. I don’t have enough back burners for all the mental flotsam and jetsam, so the only way I can feel less anxious is to get rid of as much as possible, which results in me literally getting rid of stuff.

So while I certainly love the remaining material things perhaps more than some people recommend that we do love things, I also recognize how unhealthy it is to love those things more than people. Because things are replaceable while people, for the most part, are not. Things provide me with tools and solutions, but people provide me with companionship and happiness. Still, both people and things can make my anxiety go crazy, so one thing I’m really trying to work on is to preventing myself from letting in and becoming close to people who are  toxic and bad for my mental health. Just like the clutter of files or material things, they take a crazy toll on my mental faculties.

For the most part, I don’t have a lot of baggage, but I do tend to look at things in my life as though they are more baggage-y than they are. I suppose this is why I clear out as much as possible, so the remaining people and things are the type of baggage that, at the very least, I want to handle.


Jul 29

ex·cit·ed

Some people get giddy with excitement, and it’s adorable. Others talk about their favorite things in a way that is simply obnoxious. Me? I don’t get excited, no really. I become passionate  about the things I love. I want to talk about them seriously. I analyze. In short, my fandoms and interests lack the sort of levity that enables others to be excited and fun about theirs, and it makes me jealous.

I don’t know how to squee with delight. I don’t know how to get super excited about upcoming events. I can’t prolong the happy feelings of doing something for more than a few days after. I’m just not very good at all at being excited. I wasn’t always this way, I don’t think. I mean, I was always weirdly serious, deep,  but I remember feeling excited in the past. There’s a few things that have made it difficult, I think.

  • My anxiety flaring up in the recent years
  • Others bombarding me with their own excitement..
  • ..and subsequently removing any room of my own for me to be excited
  • My self consciousness

Most of those are not very good reasons, logically, but I just don’t know how. How do you get excited? How do you psych yourself up? How do you make the feeling last? I don’t know


Jul 26

Divisiveness and Misogyny in Geek Culture

I experienced a brief touch with fame yesterday. I woke up and saw Felicia Day tweet the following:

Dear reporters, getting a bit tired of being held up as an “authentic” geek as you write posts against women who “exploit” geek culture

I replied to her, tongue-in-cheek, not expecting any response. I told her not to worry, because journalists call her out too. You may recall an incident with Ryan Perez, calling Felicia a glorified booth babe a while back. I hadn’t yet seen the article to which Day was replying with her early-afternoon tweet, but as a lady geek, I felt her.

You see, there’s this interesting paradox about geek girls. We can be funny and smart and slightly obsessed.. but we can’t really be attractive. If we happen to be attractive, then we’re probably just cosplaying and flaunting in front of the geek boys. Yea, we’re just faking it. After reading Felicia’s post, I recalled how Olivia Munn gets flack for her work on G4. Now, I can’t say for sure that Munn is or is not a geek but, then again, it’s not my place. All I know is, I never thought it was appropriate to call her out, seemingly only because she’s good looking. Since when does attractiveness disqualify someone from being a geek? After all, plenty of good looking geek guys exist. Natalie Portman has also been on the receiving end of this you’re-too-pretty-to-be-a-geek criticism, too.

I saw this from a feminist viewpoint, and I thought that was where Felicia Day was coming from, but plenty of the  dozens of people who replied to me/us saw it as a general issue with elitism, not just sexism, within geek culture.  Felicia replied to me, asking who is helped by that divisiveness and the ridiculous of levels of geekery, and I completely agreed. I don’t understand why there has to be such a litmus test. In order to call yourself a geek, you must do X, say Y and look Z. Really? Says who? Because this elitism is not only shitty, it’s the exact reason I didn’t realize and, then when I did, feared coming out of the geek closet. I constantly struggle with the douchey geekier-than-thou types, because I just don’t pass the test, I guess.

The problem, it seems, is that everything that was exclusively geek territory has become popular. Now, I don’t see that as a bad thing. I like meeting people and seeing how everyone has a little bit of geek in them, but others don’t. Others perhaps feel a sense of territoriality, as if the masses encroaching upon their hobbies is the worst possible thing that could ever happen. In this definition, the masses and the mainstream somehow include anyone without a penis. This became increasingly obvious as I accidentally stumbled across the CNN Geek Out blog article–and its comments–to which Day had originally been responding.

In it, Joe Peacock discusses booth babes at conventions. In general, most people agree that this practice is annoying and mysogynist. If Peacock had stopped there, I doubt there would have been any backlash. But he didn’t. He went on to call out any woman who has ever been a booth babe, specifically mentioning Olivia Munn. It is those words that, to me, seemed to rub Felicia Day so wrong. How dare he hold her up as the pillar of geekery, while he alienated others. After all, what does he know of any booth babe? If you look at the comments on Joe’s article, you can clearly see some some self-proclaimed geeks who have also been booth babes. Shocking!

But you can also see plenty of commentors who agree. They cry that the culture isn’t what it used to be. They bemoan the popularity of things that used to be counterculture. It’s not the booth babes they really have a problem with. It’s sharing. Funny, they seem to share that personality flaw with Mr. Peacock. Articles like those by Peacock are sensational, and when Felicia Day asks who they help, the masses are right when they return with “the journalists.” It makes for a headline and, perhaps, a heated debate, but it does nothing to further the geek culture. It alienates those who don’t feel geek enough, while it gives a false sense of superiority to those who feel geekier-than-thou for no good reason. It’s like they’re saying “Well back in my geeky day.” Times change, you gotta change with ’em.

And in these times, geekery is pretty mainstream. People are loving comic books and video games, SciFi and fantasy. Word of Warcraft isn’t some secret society. You’d be surprised who joins a tabletop gaming match every Sunday night, and these people don’t live in their parents’ basements. So does this dilute the definition of geek? Does the lines between geek and “normie” blur? Perhaps. But is this always a bad thing? It seems like it’s only a negative if you’re insecure. Isn’t the reason that geeks flock together partly because the rest of society turned up their noses at us? So why would we want to do this to someone who might experience similarly frustrations or be trying to find themselves in the world? There’s no reason to exclude part-time geeks or geek newbs. Didn’t we all start somewhere?

But, above all, as a geek woman, I can’t help but think that the additional limitations and expectations placed on me simply because of my reproductive organs is extra shitty. Women don’t need anyone dividing them. Society doesn’t do this to men. And we certainly don’t deserve to have our identities scrutinized over our god-damned level of attractiveness.

So, good call, Felicia Day. I agree completely, and I’m glad you tweeted me!

Others have also had some things to say, with which I mostly agree. Check out Daniel Griffiths’ piece on Forbes or the post on Geek Out by Genevieve Marie.


Jul 06

3 Reasons Why A Knight’s Tale Is Still a BAMF Movie

1. Heath Ledger

I never drooled over him, but he does have a nice smile, and he plays the leading man very well. When he waxes poetic about his beloved, it makes me want to crumble. I want her to want him.

2. The Quotes

This movie is so well written. Why don’t people talk about that? The lines are almost all quotable. Here’s a couple of my favs:

You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting.

Your men love you. If I knew nothing else about you, that would be enough.

With hope. Love should end with hope. My husband, God rest him, told me something I’ll never forget. Hope guides me. It is what gets me through the day and especially the night. The hope that after you’re gone from my sight it will not be the last time I look upon you.
3. The Loyalty
Sure, I love the rag-to-riches story, but I love how much integrity William and crew have. He learns to respect the word of a woman, his beloved is strong, his men are loyal and the prince participates in jousting? Everyone just seems like the heart-of-gold type. The move is so damned heart warming.
Also, I like the ponies and the music.

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