The husband is whining politely asking that I update to specify that “Life est gut” was in reference to us having a good time. So, if you are completely dumb and are not aware of the fact that my husband, whom I hadn’t seen in over 6 months, is here and that makes me happy, now you know!
A number of things have happened recently which make my quite the happy camper.
For starters, I am counting down the days until I get to see Rian (6 days now!) and anticipating the time we will be spent together, some of which will be here, some in San Antonio with his family, some in Wausau with my family (where my mom has offered to pay for us to rent a car and we will be able to get a discount at the hotel where she works because we’re family) but most of the time here. However, while here we’ll have Wendy staying for a week or so and celebrate our anniversary late at a hotel. (=
Also I am very excited because, for the first time since I moved, Samantha talked to me on the phone last night and she told me she loves me which is only the second time she’s said that. You cannot believe how happy that makes me and I am so anxious to see that little girl. I don’t know if this has to do with the fact that I’m coming home and that makes he be less angry with me or maybe it’s because I pretended to cry on the phone when she wouldn’t talk to me. -chuckles* But I’m super happy and when Mom called today, I could hear Samantha in the background begging to talk to me, so she did. ^_^ Also, I cannot wait to give her the little Dora the Explorer snowglobe I bought for her.
But Samantha isn’t the only reason I’m looking forward to going to Wausau; I get bourbon chicken! YES! I’ve missed that so much. I’m planning a “bourbon chicken party” with all my friends to see them at once and catch up. And I kind miss Mom too, but don’t tell.
Another great thing happened yesterday. My old friend Val(Jetta) from Ozpark e-mailed me and it was great to hear from her as well. It’s great to catch up with her; we used to be super close and talk every day but she’s a busy lady with her children and work.
Also, Wendy’s friend bailed on her which means she has 2 tickets to the Family Values Tour and no one with whom to go so she asked me. Of course we’d have to ask Rian and buy another ticker because it takes place when they’ll both be staying with me but I figured, why not, it’s a decent line up and something to do. The only roadblock we have is that we don’t really have a way there (Wendy’s friend was her ride) so we’re contemplating renting a car for a day or so. I wonder i f any local radio stations would have a bus or something going but I don’t know where to look, really. We’ll see.
On another note, today my friend Christina called to tell me she’d gotten engaged to the guy she’s been dating since earlier this year. I had a chance to meet him and while he was quite, he seemed okay. For some reason I’m much more excited for her than Ashley and, while I feel bad, I don’t feel so bad anymore. I guess Ashley hasn’t been keeping Christina updated about the wedding, either.
At this point, I think I could go to Japan and join Rian before the wedding but, of course, the problem is I’m supposed to be in the wedding and I’ve already backed down as Ashley’s matron of honour (because I don’t believe in the relationship) and I’d feel bad going but I don’t want to stay, nor do I have the money as Rian and I had decide I didn’t really need a job if I can go so much sooner. So I have to have a big talk with Ashley but, of course, she never calls me or anything. Bleh.
Speaking of calling, once in Wausau I’ll be able to get a new cell phone. I broke the screen on mine a few weeks ago and while I can receive and make phone calls, I cannot use anything via the screen (phone book, alarm, texts, etc). Unfortunately, my cell phone carrier doesn’t have any offices further south than Marathon County so I’ve had to wait to replace it.
So that is about all my good news for the day. -grins*
Walking today, I noticed a group of teenagers – both girls and guys, some walking and some riding bikes. I head the familiar shrieks and squeals and laughter and I panged. Something pulled at the strings of my heart and told me to take another look, to make that passing glance linger longer.
Sometimes still I regret being the introvert me, the anger, bitterness, resentment and pretention that I exuded which only further alienated myself, rather than welcoming new friendships which could have held such potential.
Sometimes still I wish I had been popular – with the right people. I wish I had been the “it” girl who, while she may not have been the “brightest crayon in the box,” had the boyfriend, the friends (the right friends), the money, the looks, and the laugh.
Sometimes still I wish I was hated by those you wanted to be me, adored by those who clung to me, and watched from afar by those who wanted to be with me.
Sometimes still I regret declining that invitation, skipping that dance, letting those angered words escape my lips and not making myself more approachable.
Sometimes still I have regrets, even when I claim I don’t.
But life is not, nor should it ever be, about regrets. Too much valuable time is spent on “what ifs” and while there are a lot of what ifs, what ifs do not amount to a lot.
In the end, I wouldn’t trade this for anything. I may bitch and moan and whine and complain but I am further than I was yesterday and tomorrow I will be further still.
I would not even trade this to have Amanda back. While I miss her dearly, she is gone and for whatever reason, she is meant to be where she is. As I am meant to be where I am and wherever I will be is where I meant meant to be then. This doesn’t mean that I will vegitate in this place forever; no, I will do everything in my power to leave but I will always be where I am meant to be.
But just because I am meant to be there, doesn’t mean I will like it. I may have been destined to spend two decades in Wausau, but I know now, with all my being, that it’s simply wrong to be so far from my husband.
But I would not trade it. Why, you ask? Because I have that which I need most. I have love. And while love may think – he may think – that I have been the saviour all along, it is love – it is him – who has saved me more times and in more ways that I could even name, even if I spent my entire lifetime trying.
To sum it all up: It is good to be alive.
10 years – has is truly been that long?
For your sake, I hope there is a heaven and, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.
Don’t read this if you’re Rian. d=
Today Fernie told me that one of the unloaders at work likes me. It doesn’t really affect me because, afterall, I’m married and in love and all that happy, mushy junk. :)
It just makes me wonder because I’ve never really thought myself of being capable of causing people to like me, somehow. I’ve always seen myself as less than dating material so when people have liked me I’ve been completely oblivious (such as with Ben), have somehow written it off as “not counting” (like with Rian) or have just laughed/shrugged it off (read: as with most everyone else).
It’s come to me that I am (was?) not quite so loseriffic and I am/was dating potential and people can like me. And now that I think of it, I can name a few people who have been interested in me (of course, I have to be told of this, most of the time d=) so it’s more than just of a couple freak-coincidental-accidents when people seem interested in me.
And a little tiny part of me “regrets” not knowing this because I could have “played the field” and not become involved in so many petty internet relationships but, rest assured, that journey has led me to a mighty fine destination. Additionally, I probably wouldn’t have realized any of this had I not realized myself as a “sexual” being, almost wholly due to Rian with whom, by the way, I am completely in love.
