Category Archives: Love

Whenever I blog about Ryan being deployed or mention that my husband is in the military or even anything remotely related I always get a comment about how I must be so strong and how So and So doesn’t know how I do it. They certainly couldn’t. And I appreciate the thought. I appreciate that you listen when I bitch; although, truth be told, I don’t talk about it much here.

But I disagree.

I don’t feel strong. I feel miserable and lonely and frustrated and depressed. I don’t feel any different from how I did 4 years ago (except maybe the lonely). I don’t feel like I’m prevailing or going the extra mile or anything. I don’t feel like a different type of person than the rest of the world. I haven’t gone out of my way to be strong (which I think I have established as something I am not).

I simply do what I have to do. I have taken the only reasonable option there is and that is to be miserable, lonely, frustrated and depressed for the sake of being happy when my husband is by my side. It’s not an option to run back home and pretend this part of my fie never existed (especially with the kitties) or to become a crackwhore or a regular on Craigslist NSA. The only option I have to stick with it.

I find it hard to believe anyone else in my position would do anything different but, then again, I look at the those who have done everything (and worse) that I never even considered an option and I know I’m wrong.

But I still don’t feel strong.

But you can’t make it drink. Just like you can’t make a person do something. And you can’t open their eyes to the truth of they don’t want to see it. And a million other related cliches.

It’s been a while since I posted anything really personal in here. For a while, I guess I was worried that I might say something about someone I know in the real world ™ and they’re be angry. I also worried that I might say something which someone would use as ammunition against Ryan and/or myself. So I stopped talking even when it might have done me well to speak. In the process, my blog lost its cathartic tendencies and I posted a whole lot less but, truthfully, I miss it. And, truthfully, sometimes there are things you need to get out but the person who needs to hear them isn’t ready or willing or even able to listen. But my blog will.

We fight, like any normal couple. We’re not one of those couples you see on TV who have never had a fight or who freak out because they just had their first fight. No, we fight. Not as much anymore, thank God. It was bad for a while. Sometimes it felt like our relationship was only made of the fighting and the good times were abnormal. There was a lot of other shit going on which affected it so maybe, this time last year or the year before, the fighting was necessary. Maybe we’ve moved to a point where we need to fight less. I hope so. But we still fight.

The fact that we fight is not the problem. I think, when it’s all said and done, we generally understand eachother or can at least agree to disagree. I believe neither of us intentionally wants to hurt the other but we are both sensitive in our own ways, sometimes oversensitive.

The problem is the way we fight. It’s the same every time. We go about discussing the issues in the wrong way and, before you know it, we’re fighting just to fight. We’re fighting about the fight. Except, I think that sometimes I’m the only one who knows it. There are certain triggers and in my mind I think “Oh shit. This is going to set us back 3 months” and then I try everything in my power to avoid the fight which becomes increasingly difficult as I find myself frustrated at the fact that we have let this happen again. That we have not changed.

That he has not changed. I feel guilty typing that because I know I am not perfect. I know I contributed to last night’s fight. I know I am not selfless. If I were, I’d glad want children. I wouldn’t care about school for myself or what kind of job I work. I wouldn’t tell Ryan I want him out of the military or that I don’t like his family. I would grin and bare it and maybe earn myself some just rewards in the afterlife.

No, I am not selfless but I do think I am more selfless than he is when we fight. Except, he doesn’t see it. He can’t see it. It’s like he has some sort of filter that interprets everything I do as selfish no matter how contradictory that may be to the truth. If I tell him to calm down because I know it does no one any good for him to be so upset, he thinks I am defending whatever offense I have committed, rather than trying to keep the fight in check. If I try to explain this, he thinks I am just saying “I am always right and you are wrong.” But how can I say that is not what I am saying? Wouldn’t that just enforce his mindset that I am implying that? I’m not saying you’re wrong or that I’m right. I’m saying what we are doing, what you are doing is hurtful to us? It’s not my pride I’m worried about. I don’t care about saving face, I care about us!

So you see my dilemma. I cannot explain to him that maybe he isn’t seeing things clearly without damaging my platform, without “proving” to him that he is right and I am just being stubborn, stupid or selfish. But I’m not.

Faced with a lose-lose situation, I took the easier route. And by “easier,” I mean that I gave up on trying to explain to him and I told him it didn’t matter despite the fact that it does matter. We have this gigantic issue that he can’t even understand and I cannot possibly explain but I know that it could easily make or break us. The nature of the beast makes it seemingly impossible to tame but fighting like this cannot go unchecked. Because even if the subject of the fight can be resolved, resolution can only come if we can work together and we can’t as long as he sees things this way.

I choked back tears because I don’t know how I can show him the way I see things, how detrimental his thought process and behaviours can be to us. And instead of talking to him, which I knew would do no good, I told him good bye which did us no good anyway. What choice do I have?

It was a shitty answer, I know. Fighting is a stupid waste of time even in the best conditions. It’s even stupider when you fight like we do. It’s absolutely ridiculous when you are separated by thousands of miles of ocean and several time zones. And even as we fight I cannot help but think of how we are squandering time. His internet might decide to act up any minute, as we in the middle of our fight. Or even worse. We shouldn’t be fighting when there is a possibility that he might not even come home.

If I am selfish in any way it is because I do not want to fight. I want to spend every possible moment I can loving him and being loved in return. That is what I fight for.

The funny thing about this all – and I use a very loose definition of funny – is that I understood where he was coming from one he stopped being defensive enough to explain it. And I felt bad. I was sorry. Except he can’t see that I wasn’t fighting with him about how he felt, rather how he went about telling me.

He says I don’t listen but does he realize how hard he makes it? There’s nothing to even listen to when he’s so busy being defensive and brooding and angry and, dare I say, selfish. He thinks I don’t listen but the truth is, sometimes he’s not even saying anything. He jumps to the point where he accuses me of not listening right away, without giving me the chance to listen. Had he told me right away how he felt, I would have been happy to recognize it. Instead, he immediately lets himself get angry and the first I head of how he feels comes as a shock. I’m blown away and if I don’t react maturely, it’s no wonder.

I’m so busy trying to hold everything together and he mistakes the fight in me as fighting him, instead of fighting for us. In return, he fights me. And it’s tiring. I know it won’t be any better if I stop fighting for us but I also know it can’t possibly get any better unless he stops fighting me over false perceptions. In the meantime, I’m surrounded by a rock and a hard place. I know, enough with the cliches already. But they’re so suiting.

So I lied. It does matter and it is important but I don’t know how to get through to him. He’ll read this and I want to hope that he’ll “see the light” but I know he won’t. Maybe we’ll talk about it. It’ll probably turn into a fight and I’ll lie, again, to end it. I guess I’ll just keep lying because it’s the easier difficult choice to make. In doing that, what cliche am I fulfilling?

I used to chat at a website called the Park and this is not the first mention of The Park on my site). This is not news to many (and this is not the first mention of it on my site). Several of my friends on IM or Mypsace/Facebook are from the Park day when I was a wee lass of 13/14. -chuckles- The park was magnificent in its way. It attracted millions of visitors so a site that would be shamed by even the worst sites of the internet today; it was, after all, a completely product of Web 1.0. That would also be its downfall and The Park would succumb (around 2000) to the big dot com bust and not without some well-earned hatred to the Park’s founder, Brent Hunter.

A lot of the chatters who had grown to love The Park and made lifelong friendships and relationships there went on to other similar sites, most notably The Pork, where I still chat but also including Dockwave, Ozpark and Ties That Bind. None of these sites would ever see the sheer numbers of the Park, though.

Fast forward a few years and Brent is back with a new project – The Earth Comm Center – and while I think Mr Hunter had different intentions for it than his earlier project, Park followers flocked to it as a way to relive the golden age and to find or catch up with old friends. In that way, it worked marvelously. For a while, at least, until the same issues happened with Brent and chatters and volunteers became disgruntled and slanders his not-so-good-anyway name and left the site. Some followed. Many didn’t.

But then something else happened: Brent disappeared. Though the site never saw the success of its predecessor, it did bring together some people who had been torn apart by the Park’s unfortunate demise and it was clung to as a last hope for some who wished to someday know other reunions. Brent’s disappearance brought with it a lack of upkeep on the site and, eventually (late 2007), the site ceased functioning correctly; that is, no one could log in anymore. Though the site still stands, show statistics and appears to function in many other ways, no one can actually use it for any purpose.

A lot of people find this amusing, even expected. Brent doesn’t have a good track record or a good way with people, it seems. Still, it is a loss that I, among others, mourn a bit. I had caught up with some friends via ECC, including one who was, at the time, deployed to Iraq. We have since lost contact because the site no longer works. )=

Where are you Brent Hunter?

This is all fresh in my memory because I was talking to an old friend from the Park today and, as always happens with those old friends, the conversation turns to questions like “Do you still talk to anyone?” or “Do you remember this person?” And I always feel a tinge of nostalgia because the people that I talk to and remember are far less in number than I would prefer.

And I don’t know how to find them again. Sites like Myspace or Reunion.com allow you to find people when you do know a lot of information about them but the friends one makes in chat, even if one knows their heart and soul, may never release vital information like birth date, home town or last name.

Even Brent has a few websites up which direct the visitor to chat rooms whose core is made up of ex Park chatters but it’s not the same. I began wondering why there isn’t some type of site that allows people to reunite with others from online, with search criteria different than e-mail, age or location which you might not know. Perhaps just a giant bulletin board located at “Find People From The Park.com”.

Alas, searching for those specific people is all but impossible online and searching for the masses is an insurmountable task. If I had control of The Park domains (still own by Brent) I would redirect people to the Pork (which he refuses to link) or to the Myspace group (created by myself) or the Facebook group (created by Sara) so that we would all reconnect.

As it stands, searching for sites about the Park is limited. Eventually, my Myspace group shows up and there appears to be a single Yahoo!Answers question asking if anyone remembers. Links to Brent’s now defunct websites are what show up immediately. It doesn’t seem like many people have taken the time out to put something online to say “Hey, I was there! I remember! I miss you Bob! Where are you Jane?”

So I guess this is my way of creating something a little more permanent, in case someone else is searching and finds my site, maybe they’ll find a little more direction. And maybe, just maybe, I can find a little more closure.

Not too much is going on. I suppose life has slowed down as snow has blanketed the Earth leaving everything literally and metaphorically quiet.

I received my bear, Jack, in the mail the other day. He came complete with an air hole in the box and a bear shaped chocolate snack. The box itself was even creative (besides the air hole) with the inside containing a board game, the story of the first teddy bear and a list of “Things To Do With This Box.” I must say I am impressed with the company. A Vermont Teddy Bear would be perfect for kids of all ages.

Jack himself is impressive. He’s a bit more stiff than I would like but still cuddly and his fur is soft. He’s a gorgeous shade of blue and his attire is impressive made up of velvet and brocade with intricate details on his cap (in the traditional night stocking), jacket and adorable little boots – all of which can be removed when you need to put him in the washing machine to clean (gentle cycle, in a pillow case).

I recently finished The Color of Magic, the first Discworld book by Terry Pratchett. Although short, it was really a fast read. It’s satirical and irreverent without being wordy, poking fun at many fantasy cliches which have dominated the genre for years. Yet, Pratchett uses some of these himself as well as some creative techniques. I’ll admit that some things we simply cannot wrap our heads around because they are so fantastic! Often, his style reminds me of the late Douglas Adams whose series The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has been a favourite of mine since I first discovered it in middle school.

The novel starts quickly with a great city afire (though Pratchett assures us it will rebuild as it always has) which as been accidentally started by one of the main characters, Twoflower who begins the novel by fleeing said city with his newfound companion Rincewind “the Wizard” who has actually flunked out of wizardry school and isn’t much of a magic handler at all.

The book flashes back to their acquaintanceship where Rincewind discovers Twoflower (and his mysterious sentient chest of Luggage), a visitor to Rincewind’s home city Ankh-Morpork (the first ever tourist on Discworld) and follows them on their coming journey which eventually leads them to the end of the world, literally.

Rincewind and Twoflower live on Discworld, literally a disc sitting on the backs of 4 elephants who themselves sit on the back of a giant turtle (gender unknown which is quite the curiosity to Discworld inhabitants). In such a world, direction is measured in relation to the rim of the disc (rimward) or hub (hubward).

Though they battle the original fire, common thieves, a soul eating monster, imagined dragons who reside in an upside down mountain with their quarreling family of royal imaginers, and eventually end up in Krull at the edge of the world, while avoiding saying the number 8 (which Pratchett also avoids saying by describing it any number of round-about ways) which is closely associated with magic, Octarine (the eighth color, that of magic) and all-things-generally-unpleasant as Rincewind repeatedly eludes the none-too-happy-about-it Death, they remain generally unscathed.

Or do they? I recommend you try this book out and see for yourself (as do countless editors, critics and journalists whose opinions of Pratchett and his works who preface this novel)!

Do you ever try really hard to like someone, or at least be tolerant of them, and fail miserably? I know I’m much more tolerant than I was. I know, now, that in some situations you simply bite your tongue and shut up in order to get along with someone because you have to, even if that someone is ignorant or foolish or just plain difficult. Of course, since we’re all wired with differently personalities, the people who fit the bit of being ignorant, foolish or difficult to me may not be the same for you; I may even be one of those people to you and that’s fine but because we need to live and work and exist alongside others, we must learn to deal.

I used to write people off because of face value – how they looked or what they said but first impressions can be, and often are, misleading. I was missing out on people because I was quick to label them as boring, too different, unintellectual, sheep, so on and so forth. What was really happening was that these people played the part, often unawares, in certain situations which led me to these incorrect assumptions. After all, in most social situations, we all modify ourselves ever-so-slightly as to fit in and get along?

But take an individual person or two out of these situations and provide the opportunity for me to become better acquainted with them, and my eyes would be opened to just how unique a person he or she was. This then inspired me to be able to see more of this unique person, in a group situation.

A few of these opportunities which I wasn’t so keen on, would make me much more interested in getting to know other people and, eventually, I would become much more tolerant to others and even when I wouldn’t have the chance to make someone’s acquaintance, I was much less likely to write them off or lump them in with another nameless group.

So I recognize the value and necessity of tolerance, today, and look forward to new friendships and relationships that I might otherwise have missed because of my former intolerance. Still, it’s not always easy to tolerate some personalities. In particular, 2 people are currently being very intolerable which leaves me with a rather bitter taste in my mouth and a resentfulness within me.

One of which is someone who has always rubbed me wrong but I thought perhaps I was being too intolerant and that this person needed a second chance. I went out on a limb trying to build a friendship, which never went anywhere because of their response – which is fine. I still tried to be tolerant but I noticed the things this person said and done were extremely hypocritical, rude and often condescending. While some people loved this person’s “confidence” and free spirit and others even thought of this person as fair and objective, this person only came off and arrogant, bitchy, stubborn and pretentious to me. And you know what, I don’t like that. I don’t like this person and I think that I don’t have to tolerate that sort of bullshit. M I Rite?

The other situation which comes to my mind easily is one with a coworker. Generally, I didn’t like her at first impression: clothes, make up, voice, laughter so on and so forth. Though, all of that can generally be ignored, I found I didn’t really like her any more the deeper I would delve. But, while I disliked this person overall, it was difficult to pinpoint a specific reason. We would greet eachother in the morning, bid adeu in the evening, chit chat during the day and be generally courteous but we weren’t making any effort to become fast friends. I figured that acting friendly might translate in actual feelings of amicability and truly being friendly but such just isn’t the case so I go on faking. Of course, the side of me which isn’t the better person sort of likes ‘holding’ that over someone – the not liking them but pretending nothing’s wrong thing. -eg-