Category Archives: Love

I am trying to be more grateful and gracious. It is a trying process. I guess no one said change or growth were easy but I didn’t expect it to be this hard. Still, it’s helpful to take time out to consider everything I do have to be grateful for. It would be easy for me to say “nothing” right now but that would also be short sighted.

First and foremost, I am grateful for my friends and family who love me no matter how flawed I am. And you better believe this model comes with her fair share of flaws.

I absolutely adore my kitties who have made the past year and a half a ball of fun and insanity. I love that Ryan loves them, too, because no one expected that from him.

I appreciated that my life has taken me across the country and across the world. I may never travel again but I still have some awesome destinations under my wing.

I am thankful for the head on my shoulders which may be a little perplexed right now but is otherwise pretty intelligent and has helped me get through a lot.

I love that you folks are reading and commenting on my blogs. Maybe this ought to be an ode to the internet in general but the fact that I can type up some shit here and someone across the country might care is awesome. Plus, I am grateful for all the opportunities I have had because of my websites including products to review and making money.

I totally am thankful that others who have gone through hard times have written books about it. And so have the folks who know how to help a person through a rough patch. I’m reading all sorts of books which are helping me cope right now.

I am thankful that Ryan is a nice guy even when he doesn’t want to be.

I am thankful for warm sun and cool breezes. Long walks to no where. Good jokes (and sometimes even bad ones). Yummy food. A therapeutic shower. My ability to articulate.

I am grateful for having known love as powerful and sometimes devastating as it is. To know that it simply exists makes everything worthwhile.

I am grateful for silly, late night chats. Inside jokes. Fun and slushy drinks.

I love that music exists. If I have felt it, there is a song which describes it. If I feel like moving, there is a song which prompts me to do so. If I don’t know how to say it, someone else does.

I am also thankful for my youth. And, when the mirror is being nice, my good looks. ;)

I am me and by “me” I mean that I am many things, some good and some bad. After all, I am only human and none of us are perfect. I am struggling right now with some heavy stuff. At the same time, I am learning to let the little things go (I am, in fact, reading Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…); it is not always easy however. The book advises us to accept ourselves for all we are, including the bad parts. The sooner we accept our negative feelings, the more efficiently we can work through them instead of denying that they exist which makes them into bigger issues.

Understandably, I am having many negative emotions right about now. I am angry and sad. I am hurt and regretful. I am scared. I feel disappointed and regretful. My heart is breaking. I feel lost. But that’s okay. That is all to be expected. It is entirely normal. It would be scary if I did not feel those things.

Despite how I feel, I know that I will be okay, eventually. No matter how things turn out. Life is not hopeless, even if I feel that way sometimes. It would be a shame to get divorced, that’s true, but I am resilient. If I didn’t learn to deal with what life throws at me, I would have killed myself a long time ago.

And, truth be told, I’m glad I didn’t because then I wouldn’t have spent the last 7 years with Ryan and I would regret that far more.

I must admit that when people talk about banning gay marriage to preserve the institution of marriage, I am entirely confused as to what the hell that means. It’s not like the one man-one woman ideal has exactly helped the institution. Society has come to a point where people view marriage as something as fleeting. Divorce is seen as an acceptable answer to every little problem. People quit instead of facing the facts: marriage is not for the faint of heart but with a little elbow grease, most problems are fixable.

And if you take a look at why people are getting married, you see that many times the intentions are not what can be considered good. They’re selfish or manipulative. People are marrying for money, legal status, because there is nothing better to do or for power. Sure, some people marry for love but society doesn’t seem to have a bone to pick with those reasons. I mean really, it’s like society has made a mockery of marriage anyway so wouldn’t letting people who want to marry because they love each others and their families actually help preserve this institution? Could just be me, though..

Speaking of families, procreation is often listed as a reason why gay marriage is a bad idea. As if gay people don’t want families? It’s not like they haven’t or won’t jump through hoops to have children and manage parental rights. No straight person would stand for that kind of legal red tape so why is it fair to ask that of gay people? And if procreation is so damned important, then shouldn’t we ban people from marrying who have no plans to or are not able to conceive children?

None of these arguments just make any sense when viewed from a logical perspective.

A decade (or even shorter) ago, I didn’t put much faith in marriage. I couldn’t blame me. At that time, all of my family members who had ever been married had also been divorced, often several times each. I didn’t have anyone to look up to. I had no example that marriage can really work. And, as a teen, I was rebellious enough to not understand what a piece of paper meant. I’d been in love a few times by the time I decided you didn’t need to get married. It didn’t mean anything more than if you were seriously committed to dating. I certainly never saw myself marrying.

And then I met a boy. I fell in love with that boy and, for the first time in my life, experienced happiness the way princesses do in fairy tales. Despite the fact that my every experience screamed that true love doesn’t exist and it’s useless being romantic, I found myself becoming romantic and believing in true love. When that boy proposed, I said yes, like I knew I would. I had known for some time because the idea that I wanted to spend my life with that boy had snuck up on me and planted itself firmly. I had hope.

As I re-evaluate my marriage, and face the idea that I may not be married “until death do us part” (even though, those words were not in our vows), it’s hard to hold on to that hope. Divorce is, if not entirely a start over, at least dramatically life altering. My husband and I share a home, possessions and pets. We share insurance and cell phone plans. While all those things are material and I can ultimately rebuild, they only signify the fact that we share a life together. All the material things serve to represent the emotional things we have come to share: love, trust, confidences, strengths, weaknesses and deepest, darkest secrets. Not to mention the sheer amount of time we have dedicated to one another.

The fall seems so much further, now. Being married has changed my perception about marriage. It’s not just a piece of paper and divorce is not just breaking up. In fact, I’m not sure if I can think of anything more appalling at this moment than the idea of divorce. If the idea of divorce is appalling, the idea of no longer being married to my husband is heart stopping. Perhaps the reason marriage has transformed in my mind, is simple because I do love him so much that, while I may not always remember it, I cannot imagine not spending every day of the rest of my life married to him.

Perhaps if I had remembered that all along, we would not be where we are now and I could simply be celebrating marriage and love and commitment. Instead, I am contemplating my life without those things and nothing could be more difficult.