I spent that first week basically unable to do anything — eat, sleep, work, breathe. The anxiety and stress was oppressively heavy. Anyone who talked to or saw me was witness to that. And while things are no longer as dire, it feels as though the wool has been lifted from my eyes. There’s something wrong in my life that I am now painfully aware of, and I can’t forget it. Even if I could, I need to be alert for Phantom’s sake.

Of course, anyone might be a little stressed over this, but I’m already anxious to begin with. And that something so small as a the health of a pet has me spiraling so far downward makes me feel incompetent, like a failure. Every time Phantom refuses a pill, I wonder why I can’t be better at such a small thing.

I’ve fill a lot of the last three weeks with TV shows, just some noise to keep on in the background. There’s not much else to do when the weather has me trapped inside.

But I can’t use this time productively. It takes me longer to get around to do chores or run errands. My Christmas tree is still up. Laundry has piled up on my bed. All of my blogs are forgotten. I’ve forgotten about games that need to be finished. I’ve managed to finish a single book, but many others have languished. My kitchen table has accumulated an embarrassing amount of mail, trash, and empty shopping bags.

I could invite people over to while away some of the time — if only I wasn’t so ashamed of the state of my apartment.

And maybe it’s not that bad. Maybe it’s in my head. Maybe it’s just my anxiety making me feel like everything is worse than it is, you know, the way it does. But that’s one more thing to feel bad about.

Perhaps in time I’ll forget about some of the things that are bothering me just like I occasionally forget about my own mortality and impending death. The feeling of despair will only wash over me and settle in the pit of my stomach briefly before I am able to push it back, to deny that it bothers me.

Or maybe I need a better coping mechanism to deal with life.

The post The Silence is Deafening appeared first on 7and1.net.

Take Goliath, for example. He never used to be that vocal. He would chirp if he jumped between varying heights. He would squeak if you accidentally stepped on him, and he would growl as he carried toys around in his mouth.

Now, he’ll cry mournfully as he looks for a toy. As he carries it to me. As he drops it by me and waits for me to get out of the shower to throw it. He’ll whine for me to throw it even if he can’t see me and neither of us knows where it is. It’s pretty obnoxious.

Phantom has also become news kinds of annoying; although, he was always a bit annoying. He’s taken to dropping things such as expensive nail polish right off of tables and counters. He’ll grab papers from the mail slot on the fridge and try to eat them. Now, there are plenty of things — whining, knocking magnets down, clawing my boxspring — that he’s done for years. But these are new annoyances.

I love them but, come on now! You’d think that they’d be settled in their weirdness, and I could figure out what I need to do to live happily ever after with them.

Or not.

The post My Cats Are Having Midlife Crises appeared first on 7and1.net.

Sometimes we’ll stay like this all night, with me waking periodically to the warmth of him against me. Other nights, he can’t seem to get comfortable. So he’ll toss and turn and eventually leave, perhaps to come back a time or two to repeat the process.

There will be night when we don’t quite fit right, and his tail or paws will cover my face, and I’ll struggle to breathe. Sometimes our slumber will be broken by his brother, who unknowingly — or perhaps knowingly — walks over Goliath as he tucked under the covers.

Goliath is a sweetheart, who lets me pet him when he just wants to sleep. He tilts his head just right so I can scratch his chin or touch his ears.

He is, in almost every way, my sweet baby boy, momma’s cuddle bug.

The post In the Key of Big G appeared first on 7and1.net.

In the middle of that terrible dream, I looked at someone and said “I wish I was at home in my PJs with my cat.”

And I woke up, in my PJs next to Phantom.

In my time of duress in my dream, the only thing I wanted was to get back to my regular life. I didn’t want anything more than that. I woke up to that place, comforting and full of love. Emotionally stable. Free to do as I please.

Since that night, I have been ridiculously grateful of my life. Of the people and things in it.

All things considered, I am in a good place. A place where I am happy to remain; although, I am open to better things, they would have to be significantly better to motivate me to stray

As emotionally tumultuous that dream may have been, it was certainly something I needed.

The post Living the Life appeared first on 7and1.net.

So I shall make a list type thing of stuff that is going on in my life. Feel free to not care. ;)

• 

  Look at this fuzzy shoe

  I broke a nail and tried the bond-it-with-a-coffee-filter technique I’ve heard about. It’s been a weak and 3 applications later, but it seems to work. I just have to hope that I don’t get it caught or stuck on something before it has a bit of time to grow out.

• Phantom is being a crazy whiny baby who is pawing at doors and walls and furniture for no good reason. It doesn’t help me sleep.
• Last night I had games and drinks with friends at my place after enjoying a really good burger at a nice bar with a cute bartender.  I woke up needing pain killers, hydration and a shower, but it was really good times.
• The last two points have contributed to me not getting nearly enough sleep lately. My eyes hurt ,but my schedule is so dumb that I cannot allow myself to sleep as long as I’d like to feel fully rested. Right now, I’m getting up nearly at sunset. I need to reset this thing. Ugh.
• Some good friends are in the area for a while. The reason for their visit/stay isn’t good, but getting to see them is.
• One of my best friends in the world signed a lease in my building, and I am so freaking excited about this!
• I got my electric bill for last month, and it’s so cheap! It went down $10 despite me using my window AC. I think this is because my old refrigerator died, and I got a newer one. I cannot complain either way.
• Although I didn’t have my laptop for over a week because the DC jack broke off inside it, I have it back now. I missed my baby immensely. It’s such a good machine — really.
• I’ve got two really exciting events I’m going to attend coming up: a Pat Benatar concert and the Blues Brothers Revue.
• I’m planning on buying an SSHD to replace the HDD in my laptop. I are excited!
• I recently rooted my phone. I haven’t done as much with it as I plan, but I did it myself and it’s already performing a little better in terms of memory usage.
• I was a little bummed that the shoes I only had for a month and a half wore out, but I found a new pair that’s super cute and cheap. Said shoes are in the picture to the right, but Goliath is definitely more important!
• I will still need to move to a new host eventually, but I’ve got a bit more time to do it now.
• Store are full of Halloween stuff! I cannot wait to get shopping and decorating!!
• I’ve actually been writing poetry again.
• I have some really cool giveaways and reviews going on/coming up on Reviews by Cole.
• I got my hair cut and dyed. The cut is similar to what I had last time, but it’s mostly black with some red. Quite different. I like it more every day, though.

I keep thinking of more things to add. This short blog is longer than I expected. I shall cut it off here!

The post In Which Cole Lists Life Stuff appeared first on 7and1.net.