Category Archives: Life

Life sent me a message toward the end of last week about how I can’t enjoy myself too much or even just a little and BAM! Life bitch smacked me with a cold I am on day 4 of 5 of and still not over. I’m better but man, days 2 and 3 were hell. At least my head is clearer and, yay, I can sort of taste and smell stuff now, but I’m ready to be over this.

On the good news front, we bought a pair of book shelves from Office Depot yesterday and they will be delivered tomorrow so all of our books and DVDs will have a home. Yay! Now to make Ryan buy me these book ends! Well, a girl can dream, can’t she? ;)

..is what we’re doing. And that’s okay. Annoying video game sounds and Ryan laughing at stupid shit online are much preferred to crap quality phone calls from him across the world (however, I noticed a direct correlation between the stupidity of shit I missed about him and how long he was gone). So he’s back to video games and making fun of people, I’m back to computer time and we’re both playing with the cats and playing Monopoly on Pogo.

We took the time to buy a new car – a 2002 Dodge Neon in red – which probably isn’t as awesome as the Forenza was but is pretty nice and was affordable. Ashe thinks it’s cute and I’m inclined to agree but Ryan is all “NO RAWR NO CUTENESS I’M A MAN GRR.”

Although happy to have him back I wasn’t able to be nearly as omgexcited as I would have liked to be, due to all the crap that surrounded his homecoming. It’s so hard to be happy when you’re something of a perfectionist, eh?

Phantom was pretty damned excited and spent the first few days bugging the shit out of Ryan but maybe that was ’cause Ryan was bugging the shit out of him. Of course, Goliath was a little ‘fraidy cat and spent the first few days hiding under the bed but he’s come out now and has taken a liking to Ryan’s laptop.

Also on the kitty news front, they keep knocking over an accent table I put in the living room and beating up the pictures of our grandpas on it. Not nice. This is only a problem, of course, because Ryan took out the boxes of crap I had placed under there so maybe I ought to just shove him under there, instead.

We haven’t really done or seen anything super exciting, though. It’s still ungodly hot out so survival has been key, really. I have noticed his tendency to turn up the AC so it’s hotter or set the shower at burn-my-skin-off hot. As long as I’m talking about annoyances, I was shocked to see my laundry literally triple in one day and my dishes have doubled as well. There are some perks to being all by my lonesome but I guess I’ll forgive him for putting a kink in my style ;)

Saturday night, I saw Goliath has a tapeworm. At first I was like “Eww” and then I was worried about my kitty baby (and where he sits). My internet skillz produced an easy to get medicine, if not for a slightly harsh price tag and since I was going to be running some errands, I wasn’t too put off about that. Unfortunately, it’s very likely that Goliath got the tapeworm from swallowing a flea and that does have me worried. I don’t want him to have fleas or for him to give them to me or Phantom. I feel like fleas are crawling all over me, now.

I also don’t necessarily want to buy medicine if he doesn’t have anything but I guess that’s how I am about everything so this is really stressing me out. Jenn is all “Pfft, I can’t help you” about my cheapness but have you seen the prices for flea medicine? Even when they’re cheap, they’re not. I’m actually waiting for Phantom’s vet to call me back about some options, though because even if I’m cheap, I’m not cruel.

I suppose it’s better safe than sorry, right?

Whenever I blog about Ryan being deployed or mention that my husband is in the military or even anything remotely related I always get a comment about how I must be so strong and how So and So doesn’t know how I do it. They certainly couldn’t. And I appreciate the thought. I appreciate that you listen when I bitch; although, truth be told, I don’t talk about it much here.

But I disagree.

I don’t feel strong. I feel miserable and lonely and frustrated and depressed. I don’t feel any different from how I did 4 years ago (except maybe the lonely). I don’t feel like I’m prevailing or going the extra mile or anything. I don’t feel like a different type of person than the rest of the world. I haven’t gone out of my way to be strong (which I think I have established as something I am not).

I simply do what I have to do. I have taken the only reasonable option there is and that is to be miserable, lonely, frustrated and depressed for the sake of being happy when my husband is by my side. It’s not an option to run back home and pretend this part of my fie never existed (especially with the kitties) or to become a crackwhore or a regular on Craigslist NSA. The only option I have to stick with it.

I find it hard to believe anyone else in my position would do anything different but, then again, I look at the those who have done everything (and worse) that I never even considered an option and I know I’m wrong.

But I still don’t feel strong.