Category Archives: Life

I am a bleeding heart liberal, humanist with a tenuous faith in God and a big mouth.

I am the best friend that many of my friends have ever had and I am working to be even better.

I am a crazy cat lady who is mommy to two of the most beautiful albeit annoying felines that ever walked the Earth.

I am perpetually interested in anything and as such, have developed a well of facts that only useful as long as they are entertaining to my peers.

I am the owner of two wonderfully feminine breasts and this is central to my being.

I am ridiculously funny and I know it sounds pompous to come right out and say it, but it’s true,

I am experiencing a level of okayness with myself, my life and my body that is strange but entirely natural.

I am experiencing such a level of discontent with the world and its tragedies that I’ve no doubt I will one day do something to rectify the situation–as soon as I figure out what that is. In the mean time, I will continue to be the funny friend and send good vibes out into the world.

I am ever naive and optimistic when it comes to the following things: my natural abilities, the goodness of others, the fairness of the “system” and love.

I am going to have cheesecake with cherries for breakfast at 2:35 in the afternoon.

Actually, I did not make a friend. But I did move a friendship to a new level and that’s kind of exciting. You see, I met this awesome lady and we started chatting in the same room and then we moved out friendship to AIM and, just this last week, it progressed to the phone.

I feel a bit like a school girl again! In fact, I feel a lot like a school girl again and I certainly felt that way when I was a wee bit nervous before the first time she called. It reminds me of how I made friends online when I was a teenager. We’d talk in a public place, we’d move to IM and eventually, if we became close enough, we’d talk on the phone. That was the natural progression of the Internet friendship when I was younger.

And it was fun. I could talk on the phone a lot. I still can. Im a talker. After 2 hours on the phone with my friend last night, my throat was begging for me to STFU. I have a lot of friends and not all of them are so awesome on the phone. I hadn’t realized how much I miss it.

Nor did I give much thought to why I pretty much stopped moving to the phone with my Internet friends. There is no single reason but many factors. The places where I chatted shut down. I became busier in high school, a trend that continued after I graduated and I began working. I began dating and married Ryan so much of my time was dedicated to him. I moved to Japan and I rarely called my mom, let alone new friends. I struggled with depression and other issues and, in general, I kind of stopped making new friends via the Internet for a while.

But this ain’t no pity party. It’s actually the exact opposite because now I remember how awesome friends are and I’ve made a great new friend. That isn’t to say I didn’t have any good friends. Some of my best friends now, both locally and internationally, are Internet friends. We just don’t talk on the phone much.

Whether or not our friendships rely on the phone, I’ve made some really awesome friends online. Somehow, I have connected with people across time zones, state lines and cultural divides. I’ve found wonderful people who listen to me when I need a friend and amazing people who make me laugh like crazy. And crazy people who are a match for my own insanity. And, hopefully, I’ve been able to provide the same for them.

So for those critics who say you can’t forge real relationships online, maybe you just fail at making friends while we do not. The Internet has changed my life with these amazing friendships.e

Losers live in the past. Winners learn from the past and enjoy working in the present toward the future.
Denis Waitley

The future it unknown. To me, to you, to anyone. And this used to terrify me. I used to try to control things in the present because I feared the future would be something uncomfortable, something I didn’t want. Ironically, the future did turn out to be something I didn’t want. Only, the future was now my present and I was stuck in it, for better or worse.

So I did the only logical thing and I began learning how to appreciate what I did have: my friends, my family, my pets, my job. I taught myself to be grateful. I began to seek enjoyment from the little things, the things I may have overlooked before. And wouldn’t you know it, I became happy. Happier than I’ve ever been.

And there’s where I am now. So when I look at the future, I don’t fear that I don’t know what it will bring. In fact, I’m pretty sure that it will be more awesome than I could ever imagine. And even if there are bumps in the road, and I am sure there will be, if I can manage to be happy now then I’m pretty sure that I can make myself be happy at any times.

So if you want to know what I am looking forward in the future? I say all of it.

Because no matter what happens. Whether or not I see my friends and family soon, whether I get to plan a Halloween party, whether I wind up moving across the country, whether college happens sooner rather than later, I will be happy regardless. Because my happiness depends not on any person or any event but on me.

Ashe and I just got off the phone. During our conversation we discussed how difficult it is to deal with someone who has disappointed us without intending to. I suggested that sometimes we feel like we’d prefer the person was simply being an asshole because we know how to deal with that. We become angry or hurt. We pee in the vents of their car and we feel better.

Yet, no one ever wrote a manual about how to deal with the accidental douche. It’s harder to accept poor behaviour when the intentions aren’t just as poor. It’s more complicated. We want to be angry but don’t know how angry to be or how to express it. We want to be understanding but we’re still hurt.

Because even with the best intentions, a person has to make a conscious decision to be decent, to prioritize the people and things that really matter and to do the things for their significant others that show that they love them. That conscious decision is what makes it okay when we do make mistakes. Others can forgive us.

And the conscious decision to take control of our own happiness is the only thing we can really do to be happy and healthy even when others make mistakes or purposely hurt us–because that is bound to happen. Sometimes we spend so much time trying to prevent others from hurting us or explaining to them their own faults that we forgot the only thing we have power over is ourselves. The only thing constant in my own life is me.

That realization has changed my life. Perhaps saved it. And it hurts to see others who have yet to come to the same conclusion. So many people have failed to make the conscious decisions that will make life work living. Yet, I know that I can only try to steer them in the right direction. The rest is on them. I have to make a conscious decision to lead my example. And try to impart a little happiness in the process.

I’m the first one signed up to participate in WeBlogIt–the blogging project going on over at DayDreamz. Because I also run the project, I picked which theme would occur this week and so I will be writing all about things I hide from the world. I mused over this all this morning. I asked Dez what she thought I hid. I made some foods. I wrote some articles. I got some ideas.

The things I hide from the world are all things that I perceive as faults. Sometimes I can get pretty wrapped up in what others think of me, or what I fear others might think of me, even. So I hide things and this results in even the little things causing me stress.

For example, I hide the fact that I buy Mt Dew a lot. Everyone knows I love it but I also know it’s bad for me so I try not to let on how often I buy it. The truth is, I personally don’t care if it is bad for me (my bad) but I worry about what others might think if they knew how much I bought it. It’s okay, though. After I post this, I’m walking to the gas station to get a Dew. d=

I also hide my weight. Online, I don’t post full pictures but this habit comes out in real life, too. When I sit someplace, I frequently reach for a pillow to cover my midsection. I refuse photos a lot because of this. Or I’ll take a million and delete all but a handful that show the best side of me. During sex, I’ll pull the cover over me to hide my body and resist certain positions because I worry how I’ll look. I’m feeling more confident now that I’ve lost some weight but I’ve never entirely been comfortable in my own skin.

When people ask, I glaze over the fact that I have no driver’s license. Part of me isn’t bothered by it but part of me hates the fact that I’m so far “behind” that I don’t even want to talk about it because that means admitting my fault.

And I hide some of my negative feelings not just from others but from myself. I’ve written about it a few times but I have a hard time feeling things when I think, intellectually, that feeling that way isn’t helping me. Even if it’s completely expected for me to feeling negatively about a situation. I have a hard time accepting that. For a long time, I didn’t even think I could talk to my friends when something was bothering me. I’d like to think I’m better about that. After all, isn’t that why friends are even there? In many ways now, I’m pretty open.

I hide my roots from people. I come form a hard working but poor family and while I respect that, I also feel a sort of shame. I sometimes have a hard time introducing people to my family or bringing them into my family’s homes because I am afraid they will judge my family and, by association, me. This manifested itself a lot in my marriage. Although I secretly wished Ryan knew more of my family and got along with them and even though I know a lot of my family members are fun, I sort of avoided introducing him to people. In the end, I wound up hurting myself to avoid being hurt which is kind of par for the course when you do silly things like that.