Category Archives: Life

Today I am 26, and I don’t feel all that great about it. 25 was amazing. I was at the top of my game when it came to managing my anxiety. I’d made new friends. I had new hopes for the future. I was falling in love and starting to envision my future.

I feel like the 366 days between then and now have been more of a setback. I still have those new friends. I’m still doing better with anxiety management, but I’m not doing as well as I was then, and it bothers me. A lot. So today didn’t feel fantastic. I wasn’t enthused. I spent some time with my mom and sister, and Mom kept mentioning how I felt down. I did. I do. I just can’t hide it today. I didn’t quite respond, either. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to articulate that I feel like a complete failure, sometimes.

The truth is, I’m being hard on myself. I’m still better than I was, say, two years ago. This has been a trying year, but it’s not been just one failure after another. There have been successes, too. Everything, really, has been maintained. That should be good but to me it just feels the same. Perhaps that’s my problem. I just need something new. I’m no good at sustain positivity when things aren’t constantly changing.

I’m also being hard on you guys. I would have loved for someone to plan a tiny surprise–not a giant party, just a little show up at my door, a bottle of Mountain Dew, an actual call. I really need someone in my life who is as thoughtful as I try to be for my loved ones. I would have liked for anyone to try to make the day a little better, for someone to do my dishes or take out the trash so I could have just one day where I didn’t have to worry like every other day of the year. Just one day that felt different.

But I know that people are busy. I know that sometimes a text is all that I can get. I realize that I am lucky to have 20+ Facebook well wishes. I’m lucky enough to work from home. I’m lucky to see my shortcomings and have the opportunity to fix them. Some days, I just wish I could relax and that others would take care of stuff–and I really want my birthday to be one of those days.

1. Hang out with friends.
2. Go to parties.
3. Get a suntan.. or burn.
4. Shop.
5. Read a book.
6. Review that book you just wrote.
7. Blog.
8. Work on your website–and eventually release those updates.
9. Talk on the phone.
10. Clean.
11. Snuggle kitties.
12. Play board games.
13. Contemplate all the ways you’re spending time.

I imagine that wild cats, before humans domesticated them, had a fearsome foe in the wild. You know what I’m talking about: feet. Giant, disembodied feet that chased and stomped the poor kitties. Otherwise, why the hell else do I find claws, teeth and bodies mauling mine on a daily basis?

Since my best friend moved back about two weeks ago, I’ve been spending a lot of time with her. The result is that I’ve actually been less active online. I’m so exhausted from fitting in the work and the play that I come home, usually skip the computer, and spend at least five hours trying to sleep. Anyway, it’s been a lot of fun. I enjoy spending time with her so much and I forgot how much I missed her. She has two little girls — and a big husband — and getting to know the little ones better is fun, too.

Her mother-in-law hosted a welcome home/bithday party Saturday, so I attended. I got a lot of sun.. but only on one arm. It looks pretty silly. I’m enjoying wearing shorts and tank tops and feeling more comfortable with my body. Plus, I am considering that I might tan. The sun I’m getting isn’t working toward a tan, but I’m okay if I get a little tan. I like it, especially on my face, because it helps to even out my ruddy complexion.

On Sunday, she and her husband went house shopping. Because we’re kind of, sort of talking about moving in together, I went with. We visited seven or so houses, most of which we’d found online through a friend’s realtor. There was one that all the ladies liked and it happened to be the first one we saw. It’s not huge, but a great starter home, with five bedrooms, an extra den/family room and a clean, albeit not finished, basement.

There really was only one other home that worked for them, until they realized they couldn’t get a loan. A lot of the houses were simply ridiculous, in need of far more DIY work than the couple could realistically put in. Still, I enjoy looking at homes. I like DIY and house flipping shows, too. It’s interesting to see how some are laid out. There were two houses that were particularly interest.

1. Was a tiny bungalow. It wasn’t on our list specifically. Someone else suggested it. However, it was really too small for my friend. It did have a nice backyard, fenced in with dog kennels and a fire pit. However, it was a tiny house with an awkwardly placed third bedroom (dining room?), walkthrough living room that led to a loft/style staircase. It definitely wasn’t meant for a growing family. The strange part, however, was that there was a front door pretty much painted on. The only entrances were at the back, and I guess the owners felt that the house looked odd. So they attached some 2x4s and painted into a fake door, with a fake knob and lock. Then, they surrounded it with a deck. When we realized this, we were all perplexed. Plus, the listing said there was a basement but no one could find a door.
2. The second house was some sort of prefab from the ’50s or ’60s, complete with a carport. Above, was a screened in porch area, but it didn’t seem safe enough to really use. The split level design was interesting; although, the previous owners had started a renovation they never finished. There were no baseboards, the windows needed to be redone, there was a gigantic maze of a basement that appeared to have been gutted, the deck was falling apart and it didn’t even seem like there was heat. It looked like it might have been something in its heyday, but that day was long house. Because of its labyrinthine basement, we call it the dungeon house.

I don’t know if I’ll go along for any more house hunting, but I definitely felt like it was an adventure! At one point, we drove passed a gaping hole in the street. At another, someone shot off a single firework right next to us. I nearly jumped into the closest person’s arms, Scooby Doo style. Perhaps everything is more exciting with the right person. d=

Mr. Cuddlepants is my nickname for Phantom. One of many, actually. It is a somewhat patronizing nickname; although, it’s also suitable. You see, Phantom loves to cuddle his mommy and, as his mommy I love that he loves to cuddle. But he has certain requirements. He only cuddles in the bedroom and usually only if I have a specific blanket on the bed. When I say cuddle, what I really mean is that he kneads in proximity to me. See, he was separated from his kitty mommy too early, so he kneads and sucks on blankets like a kitten would. Often, this kneading leads to claw marks on his human mommy, but I try to deal with it because I like being close to him.

While Phantom remains curiously aloof with other people, we have a strong bond. In fact, my roommate has never even heard him purr. If you visit, he’s friendly. He’ll come right up, smell you out and then promptly leave when he’s figured you out. There’s no doubt that he’s a smartypants. There’s a reason why he looks so intelligent and I always describe his cunning and his badassery.

Yes, I’m still talking about a cat.

He is mentally and physically at the top of his game, boys and girls.

But, behind the bedroom door, he is Mr. Cuddlepants, a little boy who loves his mommy and shows it in a very specific way.