Category Archives: Internet

I wish I could say that I’m not afraid to be the dissenting voice but it’s not entirely true. I will speak up when I feel I should but I fear.. retribution. This is largely due to the fact that my ex-husband avoided conflict in any form, even when avoidance was actually more of a problem than whatever the conflict would be but it’s also due to certain online communities refusing to ever mutter a discouraging word. Coincidentally, I was the voice of dissent on someone else’s blog today and she deleted the post and comment. I have strong feelings about avoiding criticism and conflict and I shall list them here because a list is the only way this post won’t be ridiculously confusing.

•  There is no rule that says you have to be nice on the Internet. While this means you can get away with being a douchebag, it also means that people are going to occasionally treat you like crap. We’ve all experienced it and, no, it’s not fun but that’s the reality of it.
• But just because you can be a dick without getting your ass pounded or are anonymous on the Internet doesn’t mean you have to be. You can still be a decent person when it calls for.
• People won’t always heed the previous so you should surround yourself with people who are supportive.
• But you should avoid only communicating with those who put a positive spin on everything because honestly is necessary. It may be uncomfortable but dissent and criticism promote growth, whether it’s improving upon a product after a less than thrilled review, becoming a bigger person, redesigning a website, learning to communicate better with your partner or working to better your customer service. Without conflict, no matter the degree, we’d all be stuck in the same place forever.
• And avoiding conflict may put off that momentary discomfort but will make you miserable all the time. It will also ruin your relationships. Fact. Marriages where the couple fall into the pursuer-withdrawer roles usually end within 5 years. Mine did. Ha!
• No one wants to be the voice of dissent, either. Even when I know I’m right, I’m worried about what people will say, if I’ll get attacked because I don’t agree or if someone might delete my comments. We’re all people, here and I’m pretty sure we’re strong enough to get through this.
• With that said, sometimes you have to speak up even when no one else is. It can be difficult to be the first person to voice your concerns but it shows strength of character. Honesty is a valuable trait. Perhaps I’m honest to the fault when I play the Devil’s advocate but no one would ever fault me for being a liar.
• But you can be honest without being a dick. Use tact.
• When you experience conflict or criticism, there’s no need to throw in the towel. In fact, feel free to argue, reasonably, if you believe yourself to be in the right. But one bit of adversity is not enough to shut down a website, end a relationship, or even delete a post or comment. Accept conflict because it shows strength of character.
• Respond like an adult and learn to recognize when you cannot so that you can step back from the fray, temporarily, to regroup. Rather than avoiding conflict, allow yourself to calm down and reflect upon whether there is any truth to what is being said. Return to the conversation after and then respond, if it benefits you to do so.

The last page on our 2011 calendar features a kitty in a Santa hat. All the other pages feature other types of cats, too. This means that November is over and while I did not sign up for NaBloPoMo, I tried to make an effort to post more, across all my blogs. I was pretty successful and even though I didn’t post nearly close to every day on Her Realm, I posted a lot more. It felt good.

I’ve been mulling over this post in my head for a while because.. I don’t know if anyone will read it and I don’t know if it will leave an impression on those who do. But it’s important to me and I still rely on the validation of others just enough that the idea that it will go un-noticed and that’s kind of precisely what this post is about.

You see, I started this blog as a cry for help. I was angry and hurting and frustrated and confused and I was never taught how to express that and I had a hard time reaching out to those who cared about me the most, when they were even around. I desperately wanted someone to see that. I needed someone to understand that I was not okay and I wished that my blog would make someone force through my walls, break them down to get to me. And, as much as I wanted someone to reach out, I still strangely veiled my feelings. I was passive aggressive, vague and cryptic about my feelings. I put up another wall even as I tried to reach out.

I purposefully sent my friends and family to my blog and when people would ask how I was, I would send them here. When I look back at some of my archives, I am so sad that anyone could ever feel that way. Reading those words brings up the feelings and I hate that they ever exist. No one should ever feel that way but I did.

If I read long enough, though, I will see a change. I will see happiness emerge here and there. I see the struggles of a long term relationship but I see the happiness I felt at having found my one. I’ll see the frustration at growing up, moving away from the people I love. I’ll see the emergence of maturity and understanding. Skip ahead a couple years and I see the acceptance of my divorce and the sheer will power it took to finally change some of those awful habits and attitudes that made me unhappy for so long. There’s a period of time where I feel like I only tried to express positivity and there’s a lot of talk about the progress I made. There’s pride. And hope.

It has been difficult to keep up that positivity this year. There’s been new stresses, many of which related to finances, work and sharing a home with another person. There’s also been a lot of things I’ve crossed off the bucket list I didn’t even know I had and I think the more recent entries express the things I’ve gotten to do and the people I’ve been able to spend time with. I’ve unlearned bad habits and tried to connect more fully with those I care about, without a crutch. I’ve become more open about myself, some might argue too open about some things. I’m not constantly looking over my shoulder, afraid that people will discover something unseemly about me.

The more recent entries have been more balanced, I think. There’s been some serious, personal topics but there’s been humor and pictures of cats and I’ve felt comfortable enough to be more opinionated than I have been (although, not as opinionated as I once was).

So this blog did not do what I expected it to. In the end, I’ve had to be far more direct to connect with those around me and, sadly, I spent far too long in a dark place. But this blog has helped, slowly. It connected me with other people, new people. It helped me to feel not quite so alone and it gave me a place to vent, to joke, to think and to express myself where one otherwise did not exist. Finally, it has come to a place that I will not be ashamed or sad or frustrated to look back upon in the future.

It’s funny how life gives us what we need when we’re too busy working about what we think we want.

There are two definite types of blogs that I read. There’s the “Real people” blogs. Chances are, if you’re here and especially if we comment back and forth, you’re a “real people.” Congratulations. You tend to blog about your real life like I do mine here. No ulterior movies there. We both probably value commenting back and forth as a way to reach new visitors and you probably know a little bit about me.

Then there’s the.. other blogs. Those other blogs are like my other blog, actually. The focus is more business like. The goal is more specific. It’s all reviews and giveaways and coupons. There’s a lot of mommy blogs that I spend time on because mommies and me seem to like to save money. My review blog is sort of a fish out of water because I have no children. Granted, I think I started it before the mommy blog explosion but I’m often overlooked because my lack of parenthood. I chug along anyway.

And I’ve noticed that a blog is not a blog and things are done quite differently in those two different worlds. Real people try to respond to every single comment with thoughtful comments of their own. Real people use comments to form friendships. It’s not the easiest way but it’s the way things were done.

This doesn’t happen on the other blogs. Partly because comments are frequently a form of giveaway entry so there’s no freakin’ way a blog own can visitor hundreds of blogs and return all those comments and, because those comments aren’t heartfelt to begin with, who would want to? There’s a whole sense of anonymity and almost disconnectedness. It’s much easier to get lost in the crowd as both a commentor and blogger and it seems more difficult to foster relationships and friendships apart from working/business ones.

It’s interesting, too, that some of my readers on Reviews by Cole aren’t bloggers. It makes sense. Reviews appeal to consumers in general, not just those who have their own blog. So there may not be a blog to comment on in the first place. When you look at the giveaway participants, many have flowed over from sweepstakes communities and the same logic applies.

It makes sense, follows its own sort of logic but it sure would be nice if a blog were a blog and the same rules applied always.

I am enjoying the new WordPress dashboard. It’s sleeker, prettier. It seems to load faster and the updated admin bar is much more useful.

I am not enjoying the heat. It’s not even that hot here but my room is the warmest in the house. I wake up sweating and, if I want to do anything more than sit on the couch (and even just to do that, really) I have to turn on the air conditioning. We have a single “window” unit built into the wall. Unfortunately, the roommate doesn’t ever get hot so she’s always turning it off, not understanding the concept is not just to cool you off when you’re in a room but to reduce the overall temperature over time.

I enjoyed a very busy Thursday through Saturday with friends and family and now I’m enjoying having time to myself. As I’ve caught up with most of the television shows that I watch and there aren’t any new movies for me to procure, I have more time for putzing online, entering giveaways, reading and playing games on my devices. It’s much more relaxed.

I seriously dislike stupid article rewrite requests. Lately, I feel as though people who have never used the Internet or a computer before are editing my tech beta articles. If we have to assume that the reader has a basic grasp of the subject, I would think we can assume the same of the editors but, nope. I am constantly explaining things that they should know before they even accept an article to review. It seems like they expect it to be easy but they’re wasting my time and theirs.

I am super excited over my recent giveaways at Reviews by Cole. My giveaway for the Medium Next Door was moderately successful, compared to previous giveaways but my Bath and Body Works giveaway hasn’t even been up a day and I have almost three dozen entries. It’s fantastic. I recently won a giveaway myself so that’s also exciting.

I’m frustrated at Goliath for constantly scratching at carpet next to my bedroom door. I don’t know why he does it but I do know that sprays don’t help. I have covered the area with paper and duct tape — duct tape — but he still tries to get at it. It’s stupidly frustrating and I hate being angry with him. Perhaps it’s time to try Soft Paws again..

And to end this on a positive note, I’ve had very good luck shopping for new clothes and finding clothes that fit. I feel pretty confident in that area and with my weight loss, even though I haven’t been pursuing it that actively. It’s reassuring either way.

Birthdays are a great excuse to see people. So are movies. Geek conventions. Concerts. Graduations. All of which are on the agenda or have recently occurred. My summer is filling up quickly. Not in the “I’ll be doing something everyday” sense but in the “I’m doing a comfortable one or two things a week” category. Having time to see a variety of people without sacrificing the “me” time to do it–because my “me” time is important. I need time to at least try to wind down.

Oddly enough, I really hate giving you the rundown of “I did this and that.” Perhaps because I hate reading that. And I’m not so awesome that I can turn every event into a great story or post. Sometimes things are enjoyable but “you just had to be there.” My silence is not necessarily because of a lack of eventfulness. I laugh every day. My life is full of inside jokes. I am learning how to be social and trying to make sure that months don’t go by in between talking to or seeing someone. I am tacking classic books and movies one at a time.

And I’m still online enough to talk to all my wonderful Internet friends, to post on Facebook or Twitter, to check in on Foursquare–when I remember. I spend a lot more time forging connections to aid Reviews by Cole and sometimes I just don’t have much to post here. A week or two may go by before I realize that I haven’t posted. Yet, I don’t feel so badly about it. I always return. The people who matter do, too. When I need to blog, be it serious or light-hearted, I can.

Perhaps, once more, this has become my solace.