Category Archives: Internet

Because I say so. Cast your vote or forever hold your peace.

Well, here’s the disclaimer: If you’re my friend but you somehow fall into this category, consider yourself the exception (mostly). And I know babies aren’t necessarily the devil, either. I know that they can be a wonderful addition to your family if you’re not Cole.

So, it seems like everyone on Earth has just had a baby or is going to somewhere in the vicinity of the next 9 months. And I know that, ultimately, it’s none of my damned business but, realistically, there has been such a boom that I cannot ignore it. It seems like the pregnant ladies at Lavish number in the double digits and every other day there’s a new thread about it.. There’s an extraordinarily large percentage of people there making room for +1 and it reminds me a lot of how things were when we were at Misawa and I was the only one who had no kids or wasn’t pregnant.

Of course, when you’re not pregnant and have no plans to (ever) be and don’t quite see how it could ever be desirable, it’s hard to not notice it. I know that and I try to take it into consideration but, easier said than done y’know. And I may just be a little reluctant to see all my friendships change because of the new responsibilities parenting adds. I’m a little selfish, yea.

It’s not like it’s entirely unexpected. Many of these twenty-somethings are perfect baby making age and all settled down with their prospective baby daddies. A few of them are even trying (and some even having difficulties doing so, and I do feel for them) but the vast majority simply weren’t not trying hard enough, IMO.

The fact is, that sex resulting in pregnancy is not a surprise. It’s kind of how the world always works and if that’s not the outcome you desire, you’d better do something about it before you look like a god damned roly poly. I can’t help you (well, I could give you a run down of birth control options, eh?) with that. If you’re having sex and not doing anything to prevent pregnancy, then you are trying to have a kid. I mean, that is the definition of “trying to conceive”. Circumstances do not matter. You are not the exception.

However, I’d like to say that all the miraculous “I got knocked up at 17 and life is awesome now!!!111!!” accounts are the exception. Reality check! Things can certainly look up. I’d like to think things will look up as the economy slowly recovers but they can also look down. Far far down. And it’s more likely that will happen than some sudden lightning strike of good luck. It’s just how the world works. It’s hard enough without a baby in the mix.

So if you find yourself staring at a stick full of piss that confirms your worst fears, it’s time to make a mature decision. And having that baby no matter the cost just because you might “like” to have it? Is not mature. Neither is hoping everything looks up. You have to be extremely proactive. You have to make it work. Frankly, unless you think you’re going to burn in hell for having an abortion, I suggest you get scraped before you get emotionally attached to that shit.

My methods may be crude and my opinion may not be popular one but, for fuck’s sake, someone has to tell the world to open its fucking eyes. And the women of the world to close their fucking legs, already.

Ashe sent me a link to this article on some Love+Sex blog on Yahoo (Who even knew Yahoo had blogs? Way to be hip.. and fail! LOL), entitled “5 Things You Don’t Need to Have in Common” and I was intrigued. I thought it might be eye opening and dug in to read. That’s when I discovered it’s a complete waste of time.

I do believe a healthy relationship is one where everyone involved is unique, rather than a carbon copy of the other person(s). Plus, having different interests allows you to breathe fresh life into the relationship and gives you something to talk about. After all, Ryan and I are different people despite some overlaps in our tastes. On the other hand, if you don’t have anything in common or the right things in common, I think you’re going to wind up feeling awfully lonely in your relationship or trying to move mountains.

According to the author, “Your Tango”, the 5 things which are completely irrelevant to any relationship are music, “Intellectual Tastes”, friends,financial habits and style. Let’s look at this point by point. Good to know but, you’re a fucktard, okay?

I sort of agree musical tastes. I think it’s much harder to find someone who is your musical soulmate than it is to find someone with whom you’re generally compatible. It sure makes things, easier though. Ryan and I have been together 6 years and we still don’t have “our song”. His musical tastes don’t include a lot of love songs and almost anything I could suggest, he would veto.

Intellectual interests actually gets a pass. We both read and I would say that, right now, he is interested in more intellectual things than I am. This is one of those fields that actually provides conversation fodder.

Friends are a tricky subject to handle. When we were in Misawa, I definitely disliked that all of my friends were married as opposed to all his single friends. Maybe it was an irrational worry but I just don’t have a lot of faith in packs of young, guys when the married ones are in the minority. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I worried that his friends would somehow convince him to go get a prostitute or participate in some orgy. So while it’s good for you to have friends to share memories and interests of things that just don’t interest your girl or guy, it’s important to have balance. Your friends relationship statuses or personalities should not work against your relationship. If your groups of friends are completely different, it could be a sign that as individuals, you are just too different to make it work, too.

Financial habits are something that absolutely can contribute to the health or deterioration of a relationship and that the author felt this belonged in such an article proves she (or he) is on crack. Finances rank around #2 when it comes to reason for divorce and, if you haven’t noticed, the economy kinda sucks. A lot of people are struggling right now and if half of your relationship is really bad at spending money wisely, this can put a lot of unneeded stress on your marriage vows and entire family. Honestly, I don’t know anyone who can say “My Husband Loses Money On Stocks—And I Don’t Mind” without worrying about where the next car or house or insurance payment is coming from. I guess that, here in the real world, we all don’t have such a luxury.

To further prove his/her/its idiocy, the author says all matters of conflicting style can be solved with a trip to the local mall, so break out your credit card. While style is usually not the straw which breaks the camel’s back, the author could have said so many other useful things. Instead, it turned a valid point into worthless drivel.

Like the rest of the article.

I was tagged by Dez for this photo meme. You wouldn’t figure it was so hard. I was worried my fifth photo would be an image (as everyone else seemed to be posting photos). In the end, the fifth folder within My Pictures didn’t even have 5 photos so I just went to my photos folder which actually had a usable photo. LOL

1. Go to your fifth picture folder, and choose your fifth picture.
2. Post the pic and tell us the story behind it.
3. Tag a friend to do the same.

Um, this photo was taken on a lovely, overcast day at this little park not far from my house when I was living with Wendy or Ashley (can’t recall). It is not the best shot of the time. Actually, this whole set is kinda significant as it highlights the first time I ever enjoyed photographing anything. Although not the best photos, I enjoy them.

I tag Nik!

But you can’t make it drink. Just like you can’t make a person do something. And you can’t open their eyes to the truth of they don’t want to see it. And a million other related cliches.

It’s been a while since I posted anything really personal in here. For a while, I guess I was worried that I might say something about someone I know in the real world ™ and they’re be angry. I also worried that I might say something which someone would use as ammunition against Ryan and/or myself. So I stopped talking even when it might have done me well to speak. In the process, my blog lost its cathartic tendencies and I posted a whole lot less but, truthfully, I miss it. And, truthfully, sometimes there are things you need to get out but the person who needs to hear them isn’t ready or willing or even able to listen. But my blog will.

We fight, like any normal couple. We’re not one of those couples you see on TV who have never had a fight or who freak out because they just had their first fight. No, we fight. Not as much anymore, thank God. It was bad for a while. Sometimes it felt like our relationship was only made of the fighting and the good times were abnormal. There was a lot of other shit going on which affected it so maybe, this time last year or the year before, the fighting was necessary. Maybe we’ve moved to a point where we need to fight less. I hope so. But we still fight.

The fact that we fight is not the problem. I think, when it’s all said and done, we generally understand eachother or can at least agree to disagree. I believe neither of us intentionally wants to hurt the other but we are both sensitive in our own ways, sometimes oversensitive.

The problem is the way we fight. It’s the same every time. We go about discussing the issues in the wrong way and, before you know it, we’re fighting just to fight. We’re fighting about the fight. Except, I think that sometimes I’m the only one who knows it. There are certain triggers and in my mind I think “Oh shit. This is going to set us back 3 months” and then I try everything in my power to avoid the fight which becomes increasingly difficult as I find myself frustrated at the fact that we have let this happen again. That we have not changed.

That he has not changed. I feel guilty typing that because I know I am not perfect. I know I contributed to last night’s fight. I know I am not selfless. If I were, I’d glad want children. I wouldn’t care about school for myself or what kind of job I work. I wouldn’t tell Ryan I want him out of the military or that I don’t like his family. I would grin and bare it and maybe earn myself some just rewards in the afterlife.

No, I am not selfless but I do think I am more selfless than he is when we fight. Except, he doesn’t see it. He can’t see it. It’s like he has some sort of filter that interprets everything I do as selfish no matter how contradictory that may be to the truth. If I tell him to calm down because I know it does no one any good for him to be so upset, he thinks I am defending whatever offense I have committed, rather than trying to keep the fight in check. If I try to explain this, he thinks I am just saying “I am always right and you are wrong.” But how can I say that is not what I am saying? Wouldn’t that just enforce his mindset that I am implying that? I’m not saying you’re wrong or that I’m right. I’m saying what we are doing, what you are doing is hurtful to us? It’s not my pride I’m worried about. I don’t care about saving face, I care about us!

So you see my dilemma. I cannot explain to him that maybe he isn’t seeing things clearly without damaging my platform, without “proving” to him that he is right and I am just being stubborn, stupid or selfish. But I’m not.

Faced with a lose-lose situation, I took the easier route. And by “easier,” I mean that I gave up on trying to explain to him and I told him it didn’t matter despite the fact that it does matter. We have this gigantic issue that he can’t even understand and I cannot possibly explain but I know that it could easily make or break us. The nature of the beast makes it seemingly impossible to tame but fighting like this cannot go unchecked. Because even if the subject of the fight can be resolved, resolution can only come if we can work together and we can’t as long as he sees things this way.

I choked back tears because I don’t know how I can show him the way I see things, how detrimental his thought process and behaviours can be to us. And instead of talking to him, which I knew would do no good, I told him good bye which did us no good anyway. What choice do I have?

It was a shitty answer, I know. Fighting is a stupid waste of time even in the best conditions. It’s even stupider when you fight like we do. It’s absolutely ridiculous when you are separated by thousands of miles of ocean and several time zones. And even as we fight I cannot help but think of how we are squandering time. His internet might decide to act up any minute, as we in the middle of our fight. Or even worse. We shouldn’t be fighting when there is a possibility that he might not even come home.

If I am selfish in any way it is because I do not want to fight. I want to spend every possible moment I can loving him and being loved in return. That is what I fight for.

The funny thing about this all – and I use a very loose definition of funny – is that I understood where he was coming from one he stopped being defensive enough to explain it. And I felt bad. I was sorry. Except he can’t see that I wasn’t fighting with him about how he felt, rather how he went about telling me.

He says I don’t listen but does he realize how hard he makes it? There’s nothing to even listen to when he’s so busy being defensive and brooding and angry and, dare I say, selfish. He thinks I don’t listen but the truth is, sometimes he’s not even saying anything. He jumps to the point where he accuses me of not listening right away, without giving me the chance to listen. Had he told me right away how he felt, I would have been happy to recognize it. Instead, he immediately lets himself get angry and the first I head of how he feels comes as a shock. I’m blown away and if I don’t react maturely, it’s no wonder.

I’m so busy trying to hold everything together and he mistakes the fight in me as fighting him, instead of fighting for us. In return, he fights me. And it’s tiring. I know it won’t be any better if I stop fighting for us but I also know it can’t possibly get any better unless he stops fighting me over false perceptions. In the meantime, I’m surrounded by a rock and a hard place. I know, enough with the cliches already. But they’re so suiting.

So I lied. It does matter and it is important but I don’t know how to get through to him. He’ll read this and I want to hope that he’ll “see the light” but I know he won’t. Maybe we’ll talk about it. It’ll probably turn into a fight and I’ll lie, again, to end it. I guess I’ll just keep lying because it’s the easier difficult choice to make. In doing that, what cliche am I fulfilling?