Category Archives: Internet

this title is so long it could be an old-school Fall Out Boy song

I’ve been meaning to write this post since last year, when I went through each and every post on my blog since 2020. My motivation was partly curiosity, vanity–to remove anything I don’t want any the Internet any longer–and practical–to free up space and remove dead links. During the process, I deleted about half of my 1200 posts, so I accomplished the latter two goals with ease. I left up some posts but changed some pretty cringeworthy internet lingo du jour.

As for my curiosity, I was pleasantly surprised. I was expecting mostly site updates–and there were plenty of those–and a lot of not-always-teenaged angst, depression, and anxiety. So much of my life felt so very dark for a long time. And while I saw some posts of that type, there were far fewer than I expected. Maybe I hadn’t written during some of those tough times. Perhaps my memory is clouded by my strong feelings and things were better than they felt.

At the very least, I was surprised by the sheer quantity of posts mentioning–or speaking to (Hi Ben!)–my friends. And so many of those people are still in my life. I was–and am–so very loved, and I feel incredibly grateful for that. I’ve known many of my close friends for over two decades, and I realize how uncommon this is and how lucky I am. I especially felt grateful after my divorce, when I returned home to so many open arms, even from those who rightfully had reasons to feel frustrated with me. I had a new lease of life and was the best version of Cole I ever had been, and I felt like my loved ones had stuck by me through the times when I was at my worst. Perhaps I was more redeemable than I had realized.

I had a similar feeling while going through my blog posts. As a person in my mid-thirties, I felt sympathy and compassion for the younger person who wrote those words, not (secondhand) embarrassment. It was a much-needed reminder during a difficult time in my life that I had value, so much that people have remained in my life for over 20 years. I wrote about parties with Ashley, who I recently shopped and hiked with, and road trips with Oli, who sends me a message about how much they miss me as soon as they return home to Minneapolis after a weekend together. I could write half a dozen of sentences like the two previous ones. Going through my blog posts was for me, I imagine, like pouring through old photo albums for some people.

Yet the exercise was bittersweet. For as many people who will be my lifelong ride-or-die friends, there were a seemingly equal number who were significant enough to write about at the time, were only blips on the radar of my life. Some people, mostly Internet friends, I struggle to remember at all. Multiple people have since passed.

And there is no way to go through 20 years of your own blog posts without seeing the evolution of the Internet and all its trends. My first blog was on Blogger, and I hand-coded my layouts, after all! It was an evolution to move to SSI, then PHP and WordPress, and the countless site update posts showed just how much I enjoyed the tasks and projects I created for myself along the way (and may be undertaking again…).

But the Internet isn’t what it once was and never will be again. Something, perhaps nameless, is long gone. I can–and do–lament with some of my friends, but I will miss the particular feelings of creation, potential, and community, among others, that I could only achieve at certain points in time. After all, going through my blog posts would be a wholly different endeavor in 20 years due to changes in quality and quantity. On the other hand, I’m likely experiencing something at this point in time–whether my life in general or as I type these words–over which I will feel nostalgia at some point in the future, so at least I have that to look forward to!

Funny how looking backward can make you look forward, too.

Heather B Armstrong, who owned the blog Dooce, died by suicide yesterday. If you’re one of the handful of people left who still read my blog, then this name probably rings a bell. Heather became infamous when she was fired for writing about her job in her blog, which she then turned into a lucrative career.

I personally never read much of her work, but her name was well-known, and people who I know from forum and blogging spheres from 20 or so years ago have commented how Heather’s honesty about depression helped them speak up about their own. Her influence is undeniable.

Heather was arguably the first mommy blogger–well before anyone used that term and years before I found myself seemingly at odds with mommy bloggers when I owned the review blog. I was so tired of being lumped in with mommy bloggers because I was also a young woman who reviewed things. It irked me to no end because sometimes emails from brands or PR managers addressed mommy bloggers specifically, ignoring people like me who had neither children nor aspirations to have them.

At the time, I took most of my ire out on the mommy bloggers, instead of the companies who deserved to be called out for their misogyny, for upholding the part of society that only sees value in women who bear children. My internalized misogyny reared its ugly head when I directed my other frustration at mommy bloggers; I was far from calling myself a feminist at that point (and they were, in some respects, my competition).

Of course, it only made sense that mommy bloggers were the burgeoning genre du jour: many of them were young women like myself who dedicated time to creating, designing, and posting in their blogs. They simply continued to do so after they had children. Some of them simply found a new way to advertise themselves when they saw the potential for free goods or paid posts!

In retrospect, perhaps some of these people marketed themselves as mommy bloggers–or defined themselves as mothers–because that was the only way they could make a niche for themselves as women in this world. They, too, struggled under the oppression that has tried to keep me down. Perhaps I was jealous because they formed brands and discovered niches in a way that I never could. I had too many interests to pin down, and while that might make someone interesting as a friend, it wasn’t easily marketable, at least not by me at that time.

I was a fairly active review blogger for a few years, but the self-promotion was excruciating. I didn’t make much headway because I never wanted it to be more than a hobby. Those who took it seriously as a career, people like Heather, achieved more success. The last few years of the review blog had little more than a post a year, even if people in my everyday life assumed it was still active. Instagram and other social media were the new fad, and I wasn’t interested in joining–and still haven’t. I wanted my content to be about my words (ignore the lack of posting on this blog, plz).

Although I haven’t owned the domain for my review blog for over a year (or is it 2 or 3??), I still find some of these mommy bloggers in my social media feeds. Most of them have walked away from this type of blogging like I have, perhaps because they were also burned out by it. Others have changed their brand or niche., More often than not, I delete these pages from my life forever. They were only ever tangentially related, anyway.

But still, as it often happens when something encourages introspection, I feel the need to apologize. Even if I didn’t cause real harm. Even if the people I felt frustrated with didn’t even know who I am. I will never achieve the influence of Dooce as a blogger, but that doesn’t mean I don’t impact others, that my existence doesn’t send ripples out in the world. Let’s all take the opportunities to consider our impact when they arise–and be glad for those who have impacted us.

I feel pretty euphoric right now. I feel so connected. Part of something bigger than myself. Like I’m helping to make something happen.

And while it may seem silly, there’s a very specific reason I feel this way. Tonight, I contributed to two crowdfunding campaigns. One for hilarious, nerd comedian Joseph Scrimshaw and one for rock band Adelitas Way’s new album.

Sure, there’s perks to these things, including some immediate song downloads, emails with folks whose work I admire and other prizes I didn’t opt for. It also feels pretty damn good to help ensure that the things I love will continue to be made. And if I can help in any way, it’s like the girl without an artistic bone in her body is a catalyst, as the very least. I will be able to continue to enjoying these things because I wanted it that much.

But there’s something even better. Can you believe that? It’s this feeling of connectedness. Of knowing that I’ve joined thousands of other people in pledging money, not to mention the people actually making these things. We want a thing. We are brought together by our love of it. The world isn’t so cold, lonely or harsh.

I wonder if heaven feels a little bit like that?

I suppose I ought to write something since it’s been almost a month since my last post, and what a month it’s been!

The first week of August included my cousin’s birthday, my aunt’s wedding, the annual fair in town and GISHWHES, which was exhausting yet exhilarating. It gave me anxiety, but also a reason to talk to everyone I knew. It tested my creativity, introduced me to people and reconnected me with old friends. While I woke up anxious on some days, I went to bed feeling accomplished.

We won’t have the results for a while yet, and while I don’t know that we will win, I feel happy with that our team was able to do and what I was able to do specifically! I’ve signed up for the coffee table book review team, so I get a peek at what some of the other teams have done, which has mostly be reassuring!

My sister, cousins and a lot of children I know participated and had fun. My sister in particular enjoy spending time with me “doing cool things.” I think I need to spend more quality time with her.

My aunt’s wedding was hectic but fun, and I had an overnight guest that weekend. There was a lot of scrambling as I finished up GISHWHES. Luck would have is that my main client took off this week, so I’ve been working on catching up with blogging.

However, I’ve also caught some sort of a virus, which resulted in a cold. It’s not unusual because stress makes my immune system tank. I caught it early enough to take some supplements, so it’s not as bad as it would be otherwise.

It hasn’t stopped me from enjoying what was turned out to be a silly and alcohol-induced game night with friends, and I’ve got the bruises and stomachache to prove it. In true Cole fashion, I tried to walk it off for five miles exactly, and now my knee is throbbing and not entirely happy with me.

I’ll spend the rest of the night relaxing with my kitties and playing video games, in which I’ve been making quite the progress during my week off! It’s already 5 in the morning. I don’t know where the time went!

If you’re my Facebook friend, then you’ll have noticed I’ve been posting a lot about GISHWHES. What is it, exactly? The Greast Scavenger Hunt the World Has Ever Seen, spearheaded by Misha Collins of Supernatural fame.

It’s been going a few years now, and I know of a few people who have done it. It’s a crazy hard scavenger hunt requiring you to make and do things and get photographic or video evidence. See below;

It’ll last the first week of August, and I hope it’ll get me some new friends and out into the world. Winners get to meet Misha at some remote location — Costa Rica this year.

However, that’s not what I am most looking forward to. I’ve joined with an old online buddy and her husband, in addition to another friend in Minnesota. The rest of our team will likely be filled in by random folks the world over, which could be pretty cool. I can still send invites if you want to join my team because they’ve extended registration for a day.

Or you can sign up here and join my team by entering my email (ladycrow@gmail) when prompted.

I’m pretty excited for doing something new and can’t wait to see what’s on the list.