Category Archives: Humour

AKA We have an ice maker

Apparently, there is an ice maker in the freezer. In hindsight, that explains what the big boxy thing is. However, it had been turned off since we moved in and there was no tray beneath it so I never gave it much thought. Plus, I’ve never had an ice maker so how should I know?

Well, we must have bumped the lever which turns it on when we were putting away groceries because it started making ice. It wasn’t a big deal, we just tossed it in the sink. Except, today I opened the freezer and out fell a shitload of ice. So I scrambled to grab a cardboard box because it was the only thing I had and shoveled ice into it.

The box was nearly full by the time I finished and my hands were sore and cold. I dumped the ice outside and called the office who directed me how to turn this off. I know this is funny. I know it would have made for good TV. I also know it made for sore hands and it was ridiculously surreal.

Lastly, I know it will entertain you. So, there. Be entertained.

Not so very long ago, a girl named Cole desired a teddy bear for a festive winter holiday known as Christmas. She searched high and low for a bear that was friendly and soft, cuddly and cute until she found her heart’s desire. Unfortunately, a horrible monster called Outofstock would not let poor Cole have her desire. Day and night it stalked pages of the internet, refusing to give way until, finally it was defeated by a brave warrior known as Instock.

Cole was elated when this happened and told her tall, dark and handsome protector of her desire and although he consented, he was far too busy with more pressing matters to fetch the bear. Cole was lonely and sad at this turn of events and it prompted her to take action.

Cole wrote him an e-mail:

Dear Sir or Madame,
My name is Frost, Jack Frost. I am blue, fuzzy and approximately 15 inches tall. Don’t let my name get you wrong, I can keep you warm on a cold winter’s night and I am a GREAT cuddler!

“Why is Jack writing me?” you might ask yourself! Well, I will tell you, my friend. I am seeking a new home, a warm, comfortable home with a loving family whom I can love and spend many long days (and nights). I want to be held and hugged and I want to help people when they feel blue because I know what it’s like to be blue!

If you know a someone who could use a bear like me, please click this link to help a friend in need. Your kindness will not go unappreciated or unnoticed. For a low, one-time price of $89.95 American dollars, you can save a life and bring a smile to someone’s face!

So, please, friend, click this link now! Don’t wait. We need you!

Sincerely,
Jack

Cole thought herself clever until she read his reply.

Sorry, don’t know anyone who could use a bear like you. Try craigslist.

He had outwitted Cole but she would not give up. She pestered him incessantly for days but his replies were only scathing judgments made on Jack, a bear who “stalks” and inappropriately “hits on” men. In jest, he feigned fear of Jack, wonder how he could have appropriated the e-mail address.

This play went on for several days until he noted that Jack’s stalking behaviour had further increased – Jack now had ahold of his other e-mail addresses and was sending e-mails threatening to visit him. These e-mails said the “bear was on his journey.”

Cole was further elated until he began threatening Jack. Jack would be destroyed and defeated before Jack would be allowed to replace Cole’s protector. Jack had his sights on Cole and was evil. He meant to sneak into Cole’s life and blind her by his cute and blue fuzziness.

But Cole knows her protector will be a good boy and deliver to her a lovely blue bear named Jack. Or else!

Let me paint you a picture. Imagine I am pouring myself some soda and accidentally drop the 2 liter bottle.. on the living room carpet. Now, imagine I pick it up at lightning speed but it is a particularly fizzy soda and I have not enough time to put the cap back on before it starts fizzing everywhere. Imagine me lunging toward the bathroom because it has the closest sink and setting down the bottle in it, while replacing the cap on the now-full-of-fizz bottle while still retaining most of the soda inside.

Imagine I walk back to the living room with a towel to assess the damage: ocean on the floor, drops of soda on the floor, entertainment center, random boxes, the table and – oh no! – my pizza, the cover of which I had not yet replaced. )=

Imagine me returning to the bathroom so I can put away said bottle of soda to find that it sprayed all over the floor, the tub, the closet door and, yes, the toilet seat (because my roommate never puts down the lid.) Imagine I don’t realize this until I sit down because I’ve had to pee like crazy since before first spilling the soda.

Imagine that I was barefoot and my feet are now sticky. Imagine after jumping in the (soda covered) tub half clothed to rinse them off, I am drying them and drop my clean towel in a pool of soda on the bathroom floor I had failed to clean up.

Imagine my ultimate displeasure at this situation!

-shakes fist at sky*
Damn you!

hearing: Some country song
feeling: Tired but ambitious

The first major update is that I have renamed Canadia to Hockeyland USA. Canadians will now be known as Hockeylandics. Anyone who has any problem with this decision will be beheaded by me, Tsarina Cole the Terribly Great of Hockleyland USA. Actually, I’m not from Hockeyland USA but since I renamed it, I decided to appoint myself the new ruler. Prime Minister what? In all seriousness, now you Hockeylandics can’t insult Americans because you are officially apart of the USA! Ha!

On a truly serious note, I’m pretty happy with my most recent purchase: a new vacuum. It was $15 cheaper than the piece of shit I was using which had been a housewarming present from Mom and Tim and is about 15 times better, too. It sucks, in a good way. I picked up and vacuumed the living room so now it’s not such a mess. Maybe it’ll spur Wendy into cleaning something. Nah, who am I kidding?!

I find, though, that I have no place to put my stuff because Ashley’s stuff is in the closet. Actually, it’s just one exercise machine but it takes up the whole damned thing and her stupid broken piece of crap fake tree is sitting in my front hall because I don’t want to waste the effort to put it in the basement. Just get the shit out of my house!

Speaking of, I could put my stuff in the basement but a) it’s too much effort b) I’d need someone’s help c) I’d just be moving it in a few months, anyway and d) there are a ton of spiders down there. Besides, the tree smelled all gross when we brought it up anyway.

Enough of that. It seems that I will be doing some work for Regeneration magazine which is really cool! Check it out!

Lastly, I’ve updated the vote link on the blog pages. (oops!) and added an affiliate. I’ll try to upload a new song for you guys to download, too.

You know what’s crazy? How I’ve deleted, literally, hundreds off e-mails from my Gmail account and I still have 1921 left! It’s unbelievable that I could have more than that in the first place, though I do use it for all my mailing lists/Yahoo groups so I can keep up with music!

I’ve also taken on the task of typing up song lists for all my burned Cd’s, some of which are years old. It’s interesting to remember old songs I used to (and still do!) love and the ones I can’t quite recall as well. I’ve had to Google a lot of lyrics. So far I’ve typed up about 20. I knew I had some actually written down somewhere to I turned my room upside down looking for those little yellow papers only to remember I had typed them up months ago and they were already on my computer. -lol* I am such a dork!

Anyway, in that process I wound up going through a lot of my papers and while I threw many of them away, I found an article about Amanda after she died, lots of pictures of old friends and a lot of crappy, angsty poetry which I wrote when I was either a) depressed b) in love c) broken-hearted or d) all of the above. I really am a pack rat and hold on to a lot of shit I don’t need. I tossed a couple of binders of school stuff which is almost 2 years old, although I’m going to keep all my French stuff because I hope to relearn it and actually use it someday.

Anyway, enough from me for now.

I saw an article in the paper (the website of which never works for me) that discussed how some scientists had discovered a portion of Indonesia (In New Guinea?) which had been uninhabited and basically untouched by humans. Anyway, the paper showed the picture of pretty much the cutest animal ever! I want one of these and this one, too!

Surprisingly, I couldn’t find a lot of articles about this online. I mean, this is huge don’t you think? Maybe it’s just me but I did find this Yahoo article. The kangaroo inspired me to write a song:

i want golden mantled kangaroo
and so should you and you should, too
with fur and stripes
hed complete my life
a golden mantled kangaroo is just the type
to make me grin

if you saw a golden mantled kangaroo
youd want one too
you could start a zoo
and everyone would win

with fur and stripes of black and gold
your pet kangaroo will never get old
he’ll chase his tail
and fetch your mail
and do just as he’s told

he’ll curl up in your arms
i promise he’ll do no harm
your golden mantled kangaroo
will be sure to love you

i’ve said it before and you know it’s true
i want a baby, oh-so-cute, i love you, golden mantled kangarooooooooooo
and so should you!