Category Archives: Humour

There is a magical place you’ve probably never heard of. Even if you had, you couldn’t go searching for it if you wanted to. I am talking about none other than the cat palace, a beautiful, fantastic place where your cats can sneak off to hobnob with other felines and to make purchases (with money they’ve stolen from you, of course!).

The cat palace is never in the same place twice, so you won’t find it try as you might. Even if you could, the doors for customers are too small for humans to enter. In fact, humans are only allowed to enter through the back, where they are required to set up stock for no more than an hour a day and disappear from sight before the real customers come in.

The cat palace is stocked with treats and goodies that would make any kitty’s eyes light up. From tuna snacks, to feather toys, to cherry-scented sherbet shampoo that’s specially formulated for their fur, the cat palace offers it all. The cats sneak away from home through holes in the walls and open doors, stealthily make their way to the cat palace and enter after meowing a secret code that periodically changes. Once their orders are complete, cats can return home with their treasures, this time laden down with goodies in tiny packs that they wear on their bodies.

Although it might seem tricky for both staff and customers to trade money for goods, especially when you consider that neither has opposable thumbs, the cats make it work every day. Besides, these fuzzy creatures are all about the some. Many cats head to the cat palace simply to socialize with friends and strangers. From housecat to alleycat to wildcat, all cats are welcomed at the cat palace.

And once they’re there, they can enjoy images of birds and rodents on screens, play with toys, climb trees and jump between shelves, and relax by giving each other massages or baths. The cat palace is at once a spa, a store, and an amusement park. No human institution is as fun or crucial to happiness for humans as the cat palace is to cats. Even if something like this existed, it would fail to achieve the luxury and harmony exhibited by the cat palace.

So the next time you’re not sure where Simon or Smokey or Max is, they could be at the cat palace having the time of their lives!

It has just dawned on me that I put absolutely no effort into my signature. It doesn’t look like cursive. I don’t even try, honestly. It’s been this way for a while, though, so I doubt anything will change.

The plus side? Anyone who actually forges my signature as a name is going to be painfully obvious.

In case you wanted to try it for yourself, here’s the 411 straight from the horse’s mouth.

Don’t write my name in cursive. Don’t you dare.

I would never do this. Try this, instead.

• Draw a hump (or two, there’s room for creative license) to create that first N.
• Follow it up with some squiggly lines.
• Break up the first and last name with a space
• Draw another hump or two for that M.
• Finish up with some squigglies that end, more or less, in a straight line.
• Pull it all together with a superscript dot somewhere over the first “word.” Alternatively, you can throw a cross (stem) somewhere over one of the squiggles in the second name. You must never under any circumstance do both. Got it?!

No reason, just silliness!

1. His voice is the soundtrack to my formative years (and often reminds me of my best friend).
2. He makes a hot clown.*
3. He has an adorable accent.
4. He’s funny and had a great podcast. (RIP).
5. He’s multitalented.
6. Have you seen his face?
7. He likes Star Wars.
8. I bet we could totally make inappropriate jokes together.
9. Because he’d be a better husband than my ex.
10. I am totally just a teenaged girl inside!

<3

• I’m hotter
• I’m funnier
• I have more genuine friends
• I have better hair
• …and a better face
• I’m more honest
• I have more compassion for other people

I also think it’s a safe bet that I have lower cholesterol and blood pressure and that my life expectancy will be longer than his.

In fact, as far as I can tell, the only way in which Mr. Trump bests me is that he was born with more money and has a more moneyed network than I was. Even with that taking into consideration, I still think I have a better shot at a presidency than him.

Sorry, Trumps.

People just seem to love me. It might sound arrogant, but people love me more than I tend to love them. I often take more time to warm up to them than they do to me.

And my first impressions are just god awful. I’m not kidding guys.

But I’ve come up with a solution! A quick and mostly pain-free way to determine whether a new person is friendship material. And perhaps even more!

And you, my lucky lab rats friends, can be part of the solution!

Just fill out this hand

So, there you have it, folks. A tried-and-true method to finding friendship in the 21st century.