Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Oct 17

Weight of the World

Don't make someone a priority if all you are is an option.

Well, the duck can’t be wrong..

I always see this meme  floating around, and while I agree with it in theory, I don’t think I embody the meaning of it. No one makes me a priority. Hell, I don’t even feel like an option to most people that I love. I feel as though none of my relationships are 50/50 or anything close, not familial, friendly or romantic/sexual. It feels as though I am always giving far more than half of my share. And while some days I’m grateful to be able to do that, to be there for people, today is just not one of those days.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s a bad mood, the fact that I drank last night or this headache. I’ll certainly not be affected by it this much in just a few hours, that much I know. However, I don’t necessarily think that it’s because I’ll go back to thinking that my relationships are fair. I just know that it won’t bother me as much at a later date. Those aren’t the same things, and it’s kind of a bummer.

So, my relationships aren’t fair. They’re sort of one-sided, and there’s a reason for this. I am just a thoughtful person. It’s because of my anxiety. I analyze a lot of situations, and the things that some people never think of are the things that I can’t forget. This makes for one thoughtful person.. but one thoughtful person who doesn’t feel like she gets a lot back for all her efforts. I don’t want to sound entitled, but I guess I feel like if I can do these things for the people I love, can’t they think of me in return?

And I know that other people don’t think the same or view the same as I do. I also know that some people do think of me. Sometimes they do sweet things because they want to make me smile, but I don’t feel like anyone goes out of their way the way that I sometimes do. And they don’t do it in ways that helps relieve the stress, but perhaps they can’t. That’s not the roll of a friend. It doesn’t usually feel like I’m on a team, like anyone’s in my corner. Sometimes it feels so very lonely. That’s one of the few things I miss about being married.

If I do this with my friends, why wouldn’t I do it with my relationships? That’s the thing. If you tell me to cut someone off for being a douche, shouldn’t I do that with all my friends who make me feel exactly the same? Wouldn’t I be a hypocrite if I pick and choose the people who can walk all over me and those who can’t?

There is a tiny voice in the back of my head saying that maybe I deserve better from everyone, but logic wins out because idealistic thoughts like that only lead to disappointment when you have to deal with the real world. The reason that I put so much effort into these things is because I don’t really trust the people I love to love me back as much. I don’t have faith that they’ll apologize if they’re wrong, and I can’t help but think of the long-term success of the relationship over my current state of being. I have to be the one to do the work because if I don’t, who will?

It’s just how the world works, and I’ve got to get used to carrying it.

One comment on “Weight of the World”

  1. Are we, like, the same person?? I swear we kind of are. GET OUT MY HEAD!

    In other words, you have no idea how much I empathize with you on this. I’ve been feeling it a lot lately.

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