Today I am 26, and I don’t feel all that great about it. 25 was amazing. I was at the top of my game when it came to managing my anxiety. I’d made new friends. I had new hopes for the future. I was falling in love and starting to envision my future.
I feel like the 366 days between then and now have been more of a setback. I still have those new friends. I’m still doing better with anxiety management, but I’m not doing as well as I was then, and it bothers me. A lot. So today didn’t feel fantastic. I wasn’t enthused. I spent some time with my mom and sister, and Mom kept mentioning how I felt down. I did. I do. I just can’t hide it today. I didn’t quite respond, either. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to articulate that I feel like a complete failure, sometimes.
The truth is, I’m being hard on myself. I’m still better than I was, say, two years ago. This has been a trying year, but it’s not been just one failure after another. There have been successes, too. Everything, really, has been maintained. That should be good but to me it just feels the same. Perhaps that’s my problem. I just need something new. I’m no good at sustain positivity when things aren’t constantly changing.
I’m also being hard on you guys. I would have loved for someone to plan a tiny surprise–not a giant party, just a little show up at my door, a bottle of Mountain Dew, an actual call. I really need someone in my life who is as thoughtful as I try to be for my loved ones. I would have liked for anyone to try to make the day a little better, for someone to do my dishes or take out the trash so I could have just one day where I didn’t have to worry like every other day of the year. Just one day that felt different.
But I know that people are busy. I know that sometimes a text is all that I can get. I realize that I am lucky to have 20+ Facebook well wishes. I’m lucky enough to work from home. I’m lucky to see my shortcomings and have the opportunity to fix them. Some days, I just wish I could relax and that others would take care of stuff–and I really want my birthday to be one of those days.