The Top 10 Reasons YouTube* Sucks:
10. Enforced regulations – Remember Metallica vs Napster? Remember how you could still find Metallica songs afterward, if you used a little creativity? No deal here. Videos get pulled like fucking crazy so half the links to Youtube (which is god damned all the links on the internet) are broken.
9. Sloow motion – Remember when everyone was on dial up? 56k ruled the world. Oh wait, you don’t need to remember, the internet is that slow again! Every motherfucker with a blog or Myspace thinks he’s so cool if he posts a fucking Youtube video on his page! Oh by the way, if you don’t have an unlimited amount of bandwidth in your ISP service plan, you’re fucked!
8. Worldwide idiocy – Instead of just being a moron in his own backyard, every moron with a cam can broadcast his stupidity into the homes of the rest of the world, causing the rest of us to lose brain function. Lovely!
7. Video Blogs – Need I say more?
6. Video Flame Wars – If “vlogs” aren’t bad enough, we have to listen to your pathetic little insults and watch your disgusting face instead of simply reading your futile attempts at sounding witty. And then, we get to hear the other side. Shut the fuck up, already.
5. Fan videos – Certainly not a new invention but catapulted to the forefront with video portal popularity. I don’t want to see another god damned poorly spliced together Neon Genesis Evan-whatever-the-fuck-ever clip laid over Linkin Park.
4. Copycats – Every single Youtube video is basically (if not exactly) a copy of another Youtube video and/or a video game, movie, book, or website. Why the hell would anyone want to spend so much time searching for something that they’ve already seen one thousand fucking times in some other incarnation?
3. Shitty searches – The search engine fucking sucks, mostly because every dumbass with a video to upload can add his own fucking description and keywords – which are usually DEAD FUCKING WRONG – so if you actually want to watch a god damned video, it will take you hours to find it, if it’s even fucking on there! Add in the copies previously mentioned, and you have 800 search results which are exactly the same but NOT what you want!
1. Poor quality – If you actually find the motherfucking video you want, you won’t want to watch it because the aforementioned moron with his shitty ass cam can upload his video to Youtube in it’s piss-poor quality, the rest of the world thinks it somehow can, too. And every single fucking video – from amateur to professional – winds up being so shitty that you can’t even tell what the hell it’s supposed to be. After you’ve waded through all the crap – and there is a lot of it: vlogs, flame wars, anime videos, copy upon copy of incorrect searches, and shitty home-made videos – the one fucking video you do want to watch isn’t in decent enough shape to even do that. Of course, you only find this out after letting the motherfucker load!
And the number one reason why Youtube sucks balls… [insert drum roll here]
Spam! If it weren’t bad enough that my email, my comments, my guestbook, my myspace, my chat, my forums, my post office box, my door handle, my door mat, my front porch and my voice mail are all full of fucking bullshit, Youtube has to come along and invent a new avenue for idiots and bots to litter my screen. Not only that but the fuckers sitting behind the desks drinking coffee in their monogrammed Youtube cups won’t do a fucking thing about it because it’s all spam for other fucking Youtube videos.
And, because I ran out of freaking room ranting about this God awful invention here’s a special mention for you.
Special Mention: Invalid HTML – I know you don’t care, but I do. The code that you copy and paste from Youtube to display videos isn’t valid – in laymen’s terms: if fucks up the ‘net. No fucking wonder Blogger or LJ blocks that shit.
And also, an honourary mention.
Watching the shit your friends/family/neighbour/co-worker finds funny – Personally, I don’t fucking like the persistent yelling of “Cole! You gotta see this; it’s so fucking funny!” across the house on a daily basis. Maybe you do. Whatever.
* Or Myspace Video, Google Video et cetera