After having spent some time away from my family, I find myself viewing their interactions and behaviors a bit more objectively. This outsider’s view of the atmosphere into which I was born and raised brings new awareness and answers a lot of questions. Specifically, it seems to explain just where all this fucked up came from, a thought that is somewhat consoling when I struggle with my anxiety and other negative mental habits.
For example, it’s easy to see how quickly people in my family become agitated. My aunt exemplified this as her brother worked on her car. A rather fun day, but one that was full of back and forths, was feeling long to her and she was becoming unhappy. In return, my uncle sensed this and became agitated himself. I found myself trying to play peacekeeper, to keep the mood light and upbeat but even being in the situation made me (at least seem) a little more agitated than I had realized. That’s another commonality we share: we tend to give the impression that we are more upset than we are.. Or perhaps we just operate at a level that is higher than most and seems odd to outsiders but that we are completely blind to.
Of course, observing my family gives some insight that is easy to overlook–at least, I find myself doing so–but that is also consoling in the best possible ways. Most of the people in my family have struggled–with finances, with parenting, with relationships, with things breaking, with people using them, with communicating. Yet, they always seem able to bounce back and so many of my loved ones are good at counting their blessings and remaining upbeat in the long run., even when the hand they’ve been dealt is on that outsiders might pity. I come from a family of people that is, more or less, content with the simple things in life and strives to be good people. In fact, the people in my family have always been willing to help another another out, to help me, when they were able. I’d like to think that all families are this loving but they are not.
When I was younger I always wanted more and better than what my family had. There’s no doubt things were difficult, especially with money, and that we all have room to grow, especially in terms of handling our frustrations productively, but it seems like we do so many things to the best of out ability, if not simply right.
Spending time with my family explain things. It explains me.