Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Aug 05

Strength: In Which Cole Doesn’t Feel Strong

Whenever I blog about Ryan being deployed or mention that my husband is in the military or even anything remotely related I always get a comment about how I must be so strong and how So and So doesn’t know how I do it. They certainly couldn’t. And I appreciate the thought. I appreciate that you listen when I bitch; although, truth be told, I don’t talk about it much here.

But I disagree.

I don’t feel strong. I feel miserable and lonely and frustrated and depressed. I don’t feel any different from how I did 4 years ago (except maybe the lonely). I don’t feel like I’m prevailing or going the extra mile or anything. I don’t feel like a different type of person than the rest of the world. I haven’t gone out of my way to be strong (which I think I have established as something I am not).

I simply do what I have to do. I have taken the only reasonable option there is and that is to be miserable, lonely, frustrated and depressed for the sake of being happy when my husband is by my side. It’s not an option to run back home and pretend this part of my fie never existed (especially with the kitties) or to become a crackwhore or a regular on Craigslist NSA. The only option I have to stick with it.

I find it hard to believe anyone else in my position would do anything different but, then again, I look at the those who have done everything (and worse) that I never even considered an option and I know I’m wrong.

But I still don’t feel strong.

5 comments on “Strength: In Which Cole Doesn’t Feel Strong”

  1. Oh hun I’m so sorry. :(

  2. J

    Oh sweetie, I know exactly how you feel. When my husband was deployed, everyone said the same thing to me but what else can you do? Curl up in a ball and stay in bed all day? No. You do what you have to do like you said no matter how much pain you are in. You really have no other choice.

    If you need to talk or vent about anything, just email me :) I will try to help in any way I can or just listen if that’s what you need.

    Keep your head up though. Every day he is gone is one day closer to him being home!

  3. *hug* I kind of know what you mean. I’m not in your situation, as my husband isn’t in the military, but I have been in situations where you have no choice but to weather what is being thrown at you and just keep trudging along. It doesn’t necessarily make you strong… it makes you a survivor, someone who is determined not to be overwhelmed by it all.

    Take care, Cole.

  4. I know what you mean about not feeling strong simply because what else could you possibly do, but I have to tell you, there are people out there who absolutely crumble when faced with deployment.

    I think you’ve done a pretty kick ass job of staying sane. ;-)

  5. @Ashley: IF talking to my cats is sane.. ;)

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