Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Aug 13

A List Of Things That Are Bothering Me

We’ll start small.

My apartment is full of flies. I’ve never had more than 1  or 2 the entire time I’ve lived here. I’ve killed twice that in the hour I’ve been awake and a dozen were taken down last night. I don’t know what to do with them, and it’s not like it’s disgusting in here (aside from the flies). No room seems off limits. Sigh.

Then get big.

One of my best friends died three weeks ago. I suspected it was coming and we even got extra time with him. But it sucks. Period. He was younger than I am, and it seems so unfair. You can argue that he died as he lived — fearless and on his own terms — but it doesn’t make me feel much better. And I feel guilty in ways. That I don’t feel bad enough. That I maybe didn’t spend enough time with him when I could have. That I let discomfort prevent me from visiting him. That I checked out of our friendship during his last days because I couldn’t handle it. That I should be stronger. That I am letting this affect me too much for someone who was not romantically involved with him. Basically, if you can feel bad about it.. I do.

On the subject of loss.

Two of my close guy friends decided to move this year. One to another city and another a few miles away. It shouldn’t be such a big deal, but that’s 3/4 of my guy besties who aren’t accessible, two of them when I might especially need friends who will go on miles-long walks with me. And I’m not entirely sure these decisions are wise (though I recognize that it’s definitely not my place to say so). I can’t help but wonder if some of this pain — on both sides — could be mitigated by not leaving to begin with.

One friend’s move is only a reminder of how our friendship has atrophied over the past couple years. So while he might finally be moving, that era perhaps has already seen its end. And that’s difficult for me to come to terms with.

It would perhaps be easier to deal with these things if I weren’t so painfully single. That’s something that’s been weighing on me lately but only because there is someone who I like. And that terrifies me. Admitting it is scary. Trying to make something come of it? Terrifying! I’m pretty much in preparing-for-it-to-not-work-out-mode while simultaneously putting off acting on it more because I don’t want to usher in the inevitable end.

I’m pretty bummed that my eclipse plans seem to have fallen through. The friend I assumed I would go with can do it. I realized I made hotel reservations for the week after. Ugh! All the trains to the place where I wanted to spend the eclipse are booked, not to mention hotels. I don’t see how I can make it happen now. And that sucks. I was so looking forward to it.

Add to that loud, thoughtless friends, selfish people, pettiness, weird weather, missing out on legendary Pokemon, a potential foot/ankle injury and weight gain and.. everything is just sort of “meh” right now. =/

Jun 30

I’ve Moved!

Well, has moved to a new host. It wasn’t exactly seamless, but it wasn’t tragic after all. Hopefully, this means the end of lagging, downtime and poor customer service (you can read all about it on Reviews by Cole). I’m now with Namecheap (affiliate link FYI).

If anything looks wonky, please please please tell me. Leave a comment on this post. Email or submit the form here.  I appreciate your assistance.

You can now return to the regularly scheduled haphazard posting that this blog has become. LOL

Sep 07

Moving On Up

Source Site

I just re-signed a lease to live in my apartment for another year, and I am so happy not to be moving again. Before that, I lived in an apartment with a roommate for two years. The previous two years saw me in San Antonio with my ex-husband. I spent another two on an American base in Japan. I spent an even shorter stint in my own little studio in the biggest city in this state in 2006, which followed a year and a half in an apartment with various friends. As an adult, I have moved a lot. And I hate it.

Some people don’t seem to mind. They like the change of pace. They like seeing what’s in store for them but, for me, the actual process of moving is one that I cannot stand. I hate not being settled and established. Packing and hauling stuff? No fun. I like to be comfortable with my material possessions. However, I am so good at moving. My anxiety and years of Tetris-playing mean that I can pack up a box and I don’t need a whole lot of packaging material. Give me your boxes, tape and bubble wrap and I will get it done! I get use out of extra single cubic inch. It’s kind of ridiculous. Fortunately, this makes unpacking just as easy.

I know I won’t be here forever, but I enjoy my bachelorhood. I’ve accumulated a few more things since moving out on my own. It really feels like a home in here sometimes. My friends and family like my apartment, and I like that it feels welcoming to people. It’s something that I think about a lot because I am often not comfortable in other peoples’ homes.

I also enjoy feeling like an adult who is put together because so few of my friends are. It’s nice to stand out in that way, even if it took a lot of sweat and miles to get there.

Sep 21

What was I worried about?

When it came down to choosing an apartment, and there were only two decent options, I didn’t like this one at first. Location seemed to be a dealbreaker. It seemed so far out o the way from, well, everything. The first apartment I liked was literally just a block away from the grocery store and Walgreens, which is a big selling point. The neighborhood seemed to be altogether nicer, too. However, I’m finding some pretty awesome upsides to this neighborhood:

  • It’s older, so there’s a lot of neat architecture
  • There’s a gas station within walking distance, and I’m close to everything that’s downtown
  • I’m within walking distance from Mom’s house and my uncle’s, too
  • There’s lots of alleys and parking lot shortcuts
  • Trees! When you’re crossing the bridge to this side of town, all you see is a hill full of trees!

Although the neighborhood is kind of sketchy not too far away, I’ve had no problems living in this very neighborhood. In fact, it hasn’t been as bad as I’d expected; although, some of the neighbors in this building are effing rude. I’ve really enjoyed walking to and from Mom’s. I take some of the same roads as I did when I was walking to school as a teen because I’m only three blocks from the house where we lived during those years. It’s a trip.

I walked to the store that’s near the other apartment the other day. I realized that the neighborhood over there isn’t really any better, and it’s not quite as enjoyable. I get to take these winding walks now, across bridges and over train tracks, and it’s all just very enjoyable.

I guess that one word sums up how it is to live on my own, now.

Sep 02

Holy shit, it’s September!

This has been a busy couple of  weeks for me. Things have happened. Things don’t normally happen, I guess. I sit on the computer and chat and play Facebook games and whatnot, because I’ve nothing better to do. When I disappear? It’s usually because something is happening and I have no time or energy to discuss it. I guess that’s funny.

I started packing a couple weeks ago, a box or two here and there. I cleared out all the unnecessary stuff. I shipped things off to better homes. I donated a few items. I made good use of my duffle bags and luggage. I Tetrised the shit out of life, you guys. I was more than ready to move on Wednesay, even though none of the people who I thought could help me move were able to. Instead, I rangled up some old friends and family, and we got it all done.

Things got a late start, though, because my landlord had misinformed me of key pickup date. She had to send her teenaged son and the two of us had a hell of a time getting my apartment door to open. I eventually did, dropped off the cats and headed back to the old place. Upon my return, my friends and family had almost finished getting all of my stuff into the truck. The trek to my new apartment was short. I’m no more than five miles away. It feels longer, though, but that’s how things feel in this metropolis. We’re pretty spread out.

Getting everything in took no more time; although, we had some trouble finding screws for furniture and the toilet paper (ha!). As promised, I bought pizza for everyone. Mom raided her beer fridge, and my young, male friends were happy. Ben and David stayed to put up curtains and pictures after everyone else slowly filed out. My apartment started feeling cozy. I could imagine myself entertaining even though I still don’t have a TV (a loaner will be forced upon me, however).

I do want to post pictures once I’ve cleaned out the rest of the boxes. Truly, there aren’t so many left. I’m pretty good at this moving stuff (but I wish I weren’t).

I had to return to the old apartment to clean, which was a hassle that really had nothing to do with my own planning abilities. We’re waiting to do the walk-through, about which I am slightly worried. Despite my efforts to fix them, we wound up trying to replace the blinds in my bedroom. However, the existing brackets are ridiculous. Blinds are supposed to be interchangeable, but these were definitely problematic. However, I’ll be happy as long as we get most of the deposit back.

I’m trying to settle into the new life, but it’s difficult. Phantom is being whiny and needy, and I’m still sharing my abode. Some unexpected heat has also caught up with my tired and sore self; although, my apartment is pretty good at cooling off at night. I’m excited for this new chapter in my life, I just wish the old one would close already.

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