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I have been watching more new (to me) TV as of late. When I saw that Sex and the City was on Amazon, I figured I’d give it a go. It was a big deal when it was relevant. And a cast of women in their 30s is still virtually unheard of. Perhaps it would better fit my life as a 32-year-old woman.

So I dove in.

And I do have some praise. SATC was so ahead of its time in terms of feminism and women’s right. Every time Miranda or Samantha demanded equality (whether it be financial or orgasm), I cheered them on. Same goes for the frank talk about abortions. Why are we backsliding, society?

The honest discussions about sex were so culturally important, and they remain to this day. Women talking about, even demanding their own pleasure? Whoa! Oral sex, toys, and bondage were all up for discussion. Awesome.

I cannot forget about the way that these women supported each other, even when they were not necessarily in agreement.

As I watched, I couldn’t help but try to figure out… who am I?

Since SATC is no longer a cultural phenomenon, the Internet isn’t littered with quizzes telling you which of the women you are. But it used to be, and it’s natural to consider. To no one’s surprise, Miranda resonated with me the most — in both positive and negative ways. She’s certainly pragmatic, but she can also be judgmental. Samantha’s sex-positive and feminist messages are also mirrored in my own behavior, but if I am being quite honest, I am not as much like her as I would want to be.

I am neither as prudish or romantic as Charlotte. Although, I do like her taste. Where it gets tricky is the comparison with Carrie. I might share some characteristics with the narrator and main character of the show, but I am likely blinded to them because I fucking hate her.

That’s right, boys and girls. This might as well be titled I Hate Carrie Bradshaw.

Honestly, I get it. She’s a trainwreck. Drama makes for entertainment. I am certain that some people tuned in every week for this reason alone. And yet, it didn’t make it entertaining for me. In the beginning, it was bearly, but I found myself watching and actively angry toward the middle. By the time I finished the series, I was just glad to be done and had no desire to watch either of the movies. In some ways, I am perplexed that Sex and the City was such a hit. Although, I recognize that preferences are personal.

It’s hard to get over the foolish decisions Carrie makes regarding Big. I know that love makes you do stupid things, but I had no idea that their love affair started literally in the first episode. Big is neither charming nor good looking, so this only further confuses me. It’s not just that I prefer Aidan. Carrie is consistently making poor choices, some of which seem to fall on the writers. I know I am not the only one who thought Carrie and Aleks were breaking up right before she moved to Paris?!?

And Carrie’s high-pitched squealing and giggle was the epitome of immature and inappropriate. I can only pray that the directors want this and it was not a natural part of Sarah Jessica Parker’s personality. To be quite honest, it was downright embarrassing for me as a viewer.

I also found it unrealistic how hard the writers worked to craft poignant lines in her column, but Carrie was rarely able to articulate anything off the cuff. I know, I know. When you have time to sit down, the words come more easily, more gracefully. But I couldn’t buy that Carrie was sometimes so eloquent while most of the time she was so clueless.

There are other ways in which the show remains unrealistic. Carrie’s life as a freelancer could not support her shopping addiction. And while it was discussed, it just did not seem an accurate portrayal of life in NYC.

Sometimes, even the things that were accurate stand out in not-so-positive ways. The frequency with which any of the characters light up a cigarette, especially in public places, its nigh unheard of in 2018. Thank your deity of choice. I’ve been enjoying a few shows made in the 90s and early 2000s, so it’s impossible to ignore the lack of cell phones or the severely outdated designs where they do exist. It’s actually nice in its way. But the smoking thing is a prescient reminder of how far we’ve come, and I couldn’t be happier.

Perhaps that’s what I got out of watching Sex and the City. Although specifics have changed, there are some evergreen ideas around womanhood, friendship, and love. The questions Carrie posts and attempts to answer in her column are those we are still asking. I just wish the person asking them wasn’t so abhorrent.

If you’re sick of my feminist rants, this post isn’t for you. But, then again, I am not the friend for you. So go away.

Today, the Internet is atwitter with an Interview with Kaley Cuoco, the actress who plays Penny in The Big Bang Theory. In this interview, Cuoco explains why she’s not a feminist, and it essentially boils down to “but sexism doesn’t hurt me!”

Sexism looks like a fairy tale to Kaley Cuoco.. because she’s attratctive

It’s not difficult to understand how Kaley Cuoco might not feel discriminated against. After all, she is young, talented and attractive. On the surface, misogyny keeps her afloat rather than pulling her under. But if she weren’t so thin? If she wasn’t a bubbly blond? Chances are that the effects of sexism would be more noticeable for her.

And in the year 2014, the issues that women face are different than they were 50 or 100 years ago. We can vote and own property. We can keep our last names when we marry, and we can work outside the house if we want. There’s a lot of progress, but this just means that we have to focus on those little subversive ways that sexism and misogyny still exist in our everyday lives, even if we as women don’t notice them. If we don’t always pick up on them as women, who are being antagonized, how would a man who is unaffected? Many times, they don’t.

When you look more closely at Kaley, you can see how she’s been a victim of misogyny. The thing we have to remember is that people revere her not because they respect her but because they want to own her. Men want to possess her. Indeed, that’s the entirety of a multiple-season plot arc between Cuoco’s character Penny, a “slutty, dumb blond”, on The Big Bang Theory and the nerdy guy to whom the character is now her fiancee. Penny might not be the brightest bulb, but at least she’s cute.

And as long as sexism exist, we’re going to keep hearing “at least she’s cute,” as if a woman cannot possibly be attractive and intelligent or talented. As if a woman’s talents mean less than her naturally or hard-earned beauty. As if a woman who isn’t attractive will never, could never, be enough. Even though she has benefited from sexism in this way, I am sure that Cuoco has been on the other side, especially in Hollywood. Sleazy producers and directors? Being judged more harshly for her looks than male actors? Making less money than her peers? Kaley has had to deal with all of those, even if sexism provides her some minuscule perks in comparison.

Kaley seems to understand that maybe she’s “because I’ve never really faced inequality,” but I’d love to her show more depth when she thinks about these things, and perhaps an interview with People mag isn’t the place to be deep, but wouldn’t it be a wonderful world if it were?

I hope that Kaley Cuoco surrounds herself with women who aren’t afraid to tell her just how they have been discriminated against, and how sexism still occurs, albeit sometimes in a more subtle way than can be difficult for people like Kaley to understand when they’re not constantly barraged by the waves of misogyny. Perhaps with people close to her pointing out their experiences, she will listen, and she will want to take up the feminist mantle because, at the very least, she wants to help other women.

Lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about things that I enjoy and how they’re problematic in some way. Typically, this means the music I listen to and messages that may be racist or sexist, but those certainly aren’t the only mediums or messages that are problematic. I probably just notice it in music more because IO am almost always listening to music.’

For example, I love the beat of the new Nick Jonas song “Jealous,” but the lyrics are fucking terrible as he sings about his right to be jealous of his beautiful girlfriend and to act “hellish” because of it. While Nick plays it like it’s normal, Meg Myers has no qualm about talking about her obsessive desires are pretty far out there. I just discover Meg and both “Monster” and “Desire” are like this. They’re fantastic songs, though!

Another song that I can’t help but dance along to is “All About the Bass.” Megan Trainor has landed on the scene in a big way, and her leading anthem about how the boys love her(and dislike thin women for their lack there of) for her curves just rubs me wrong. It’s not body positive to call a slender people “skinny bitches” no matter how she might follow it up with a quip about how they’re beautiful. It just doesn’t come off as genuine.

I checked out a few more Megan Trainor songs, and I have to say her writing skills — or at least her choice in lyrics as a whole — tend to be problematic. She focuses so single-mindedly on “finding and keeping a man who will treat her like a lady and pay for her lavish lifestyle. She’s fallen prey to a society who says she is only worth something as long as she is useful (read: owned by) a man, and it just makes me.. sad. Because she seems like she’s HGH pretty fuckin’ awesome. She doesn’t necessarily have to be a feminist fighter, but there’s so much more to life and music than what she’s chosen thus far. In fact, I think that Mary Lambert does a great job of this!

Before I wrap up this post, I’ll talk about everyone’s favorite love-to-hate singer and songwriter: Taylor Swift. Taylor recently release a fun pop anthem titled “Shake It Off.” I cannot help but get up and dance when I hear it. The beat is amazing, and it might be causing me to lose weight — kidding, though! I can’t believe it only has 1 million views.

But “Shake It Off” has been on the receiving end of a lot of flack. Perhaps most notable is the idea that the video combines one part definite cultural appropriation and perhaps another part racism, depending on how you view it, thanks to concepts that are reminiscent of ye olde minstrel shows.

I also have a bone to pick with the lyrics, which suddenly show Taylor demanding her right to have fun (and potentially sex) with whoever she wants. This in and of itself isn’t problematic. You get it, girl! But she has spent much of her career slut shaming the other girls for being to promiscuous. The sudden change could perhaps be in relation to her growing up. Taylor has even recently has explained how she has come to realize what feminism is and wishes she had understood early so she could have sooner called herself a feminist.

I think there’s two overreaching thoughts here. I still enjoy these things despite their problems. Critical thinking about music and other things we so passively enjoy is an important part of growth. Secondly, even people and creators who have been problematic are starting to see the fact and coming around to the other side, which is kind of inspiring.

And when people claim that, my knee jerk reaction is to say “Jesus Christ! How dense are you?”

But I don’t want to alienate people who mistakenly think that and want to understand why it’s not true.

Because  it’s not about hating anyone. It may be about hating the system, and perhaps some men who harass, demean, abuse or worse to women deserve loathing, but some people are simply problematic.

However, when it comes to the system, it’s pretty vile. And it’s about more than just an unequal pay scale. It’s about a society that is so entrenched in patriarchy that

• women are harassed
• men rape women
• men abuse woman
• women compare themselves to others
• women still make less money for the same work in some fields
• women are expected to do 100% of the housekeeping and child rearing even when they work outside the home
• women are made fun of for being or dressing like a prude
• women are chastised for “Dressing” like a slut
• women learn to judge themselves and other women on appearance alone
• women and men fail to see the value of an intelligent, opinionated woman
• harassment in the street and workplace is accepted
• wedding/marriage is viewed as the pinnacle of a woman’s life
• society looks down on women without children (and couples)
• the worst insult a man could receive is that he is woman-like
• women are afraid to say “No”
• the only thing that can stop a come on in many situations is saying “I have a boyfriend”

And the list goes on and on and on and on. For every overt act of sexism — no, hatred against women — there are a million more subtle ways that women have learned to live with. And, yes, I hate it. I hate the way it makes us  feel about ourselves. I hate the way we view other women as competition. I hate that a woman cannot make a suggestion without men ignoring it outright. I hate that a woman’s “emotions” are a valid excuse to stop her from doing anyway.

I hate the system that breeds this, just like many people hate the system that keeps making the rich richer and the poor poorer. Many people hate that system — except for the people it benefits. They like the power, the money and the perks so they keep it going.

Except in terms of politics, the party lines aren’t drawn clearly based on whether or not you have a vagina; although, certain parties are definitely better for women than others. So why is it that people can be angry at the political system but they can’t be angry at the patriarchy?

Why can people not recognize or at least take time to consider that there is a system in place that benefits men. And when something benefits one group of people, it almost always puts down another group of people. In this case, it’s women who are getting the short end of the stick because we don’t have a stick.

And, yes, I hate that. But I don’t hate men. I personally love many men. I also want to live with and feel comfortable with men who I know and not have to worry about my safety with men who I don’t (strangers). I want to live and work with men as family members, teachers, coworkers. I do not want to hate them. But I also don’t want them to benefit unfairly while I struggle because I am a woman.

That’s not unreasonable hatred. That’s fairness. Equality. Logic.

No words. Mostly LOLs