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Posts Tagged ‘deployment’

Strength: In Which Cole Doesn’t Feel Strong

Whenever I blog about Ryan being deployed or mention that my husband is in the military or even anything remotely related I always get a comment about how I must be so strong and how So and So doesn’t know how I do it. They certainly couldn’t. And I appreciate the thought. I appreciate that you listen when I bitch; although, truth be told, I don’t talk about it much here.

But I disagree.

I don’t feel strong. I feel miserable and lonely and frustrated and depressed. I don’t feel any different from how I did 4 years ago (except maybe the lonely). I don’t feel like I’m prevailing or going the extra mile or anything. I don’t feel like a different type of person than the rest of the world. I haven’t gone out of my way to be strong (which I think I have established as something I am not).

I simply do what I have to do. I have taken the only reasonable option there is and that is to be miserable, lonely, frustrated and depressed for the sake of being happy when my husband is by my side. It’s not an option to run back home and pretend this part of my fie never existed (especially with the kitties) or to become a crackwhore or a regular on Craigslist NSA. The only option I have to stick with it.

I find it hard to believe anyone else in my position would do anything different but, then again, I look at the those who have done everything (and worse) that I never even considered an option and I know I’m wrong.

But I still don’t feel strong.

Oh, hi

Still here? Me, too. Just counting down the days until I can see my husband. I haven’t mentioned much because, in some ways, the coming of the end almost came upon me suddenly. Not that I want to put it off. I’m so over this deployment crap.

And the being alone crap but I had a bit of a reprieve when Jenn and I (and Matthew!) had lunch at TFI Fridays on Sunday. We also stopped at Petsmart, oohed and aahed over the kitties and I finally got something to keep the kitty food in. Phantom has yet to figure out how to chew through/open the container. ;)

Also, Phantom how has his own Twitter account. >_>

Love is in the air..

Or, it will be when Valentine’s Day rolls around in less than a month. Lucky for me, Ryan leaves soon and I get to spend it as well as the next 6 months alone. In a city I don’t like. Without my friends and family.

Sorry if I cannot be more optimistic about it. At least I have my kitties.