Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Apr 29

A Sentimental Saturday Morning

I guess it’s not often that I post anything really personal, but I’m feeling sentimental, introspective and morose, so here I am.

I spent some time with friends tonight. It was fun. Different. During the process, someone said something that jogged a hazy memory of an inside joke. I muttered the words, and Ashe knew it immediately. Soon, we had laughed ourselves to tears. I needed that, I think. It was so unexpected. Wonderful. Truly.

I couldn’t recall who we had shared the joke with or when. My brain brought up a person and a time that didn’t jive. I think, perhaps, that we had thought about this a few years ago, and that’s the connection that my brain made.

But, no. It didn’t start then. In fact, this joke had started in high school if you can believe it. It was a commentary on A Streetcar Named Desire. Yep. In the lunchroom, a friend that I had long forgotten donned a faux southern accent and motioned while making a joke that could only happen once. A joke that would have us laughing yourself to tears some 15 years later. I mean, damn.

I found myself reminiscing and in a good mood as I walked home. I wanted to look up this friend. We haven’t talked for a few good years. The last time I saw him, we were in a bar, drunk. We were excited to see one another, but he was so drunk that he kept telling me how cool his friend Cole from high school was. A weird experience but talk about flattering!

I looked him up on Facebook, excited to reconnect. But my hopes were dashed when I saw that his page was a memorial page. He passed away in January. I was three months too late to tell him that I love him, miss him, wish we talked more.

I spent a good chunk of time trying to figure out how (diabetes). In the process, I saw how loved he was. People remembered his wit (yup!) and love of music.

I went back further than this year. I wanted to see what he talked about (politics, HRC, puns) and how. At one point, I saw him reply to something with “lololol,” the response I use instead of “lmfao” more often than not. I couldn’t help but see our similarities, and that made the hurt all the more real.

So, I’m feeling pretty sad right now. I wish I had made more of an effort to be his friend as an adult. I think we would have gotten along swimmingly. I would have enjoyed him and hope he would have felt the same.

But, you know, judging from our last interaction, I impacted him pretty strongly. That’s something that I appreciate immensely as I remember him.

I wonder if he ever thought of me, remembered our good times. Perhaps he didn’t even remember the inside joke. That’s okay.

I did for a minute, and it made my life better. I think I can only laugh and smile at the memories, no matter how foggy.

Because no matter how much I look at his profile and his photos or try to piece together his life from posts on social media, it can’t bring him back. It won’t make us closer.

But it does teach me a lesson about my time here and how I need to use it. So I’m going to wrap up this post and send a few messages to people who are here to see them.

Oh, by the way. I love you, dear reader.


Feb 25

Two Weeks in the Life

As I typed this, my laptop keeps flickering from battery to AC power. My cable is slowly dying because the port is positioned strangely and the cord bends at an angle. I have a spare, but I like to use things until they die. In related news, my laptop battery is also dying. It’s been 3 years, though, so I feel as though I’ve gotten my money’s worth.

My new cell phone is still better than sex.

I’m also pretty excited about my living room rearrangement, which happened at 6:00 in the morning the other weekend when Dave was over. It feels much cozier and more inviting. The space is generally used better, and my sort of open layout apartment is better compartmentalized — in a good way. The cats also like how accessible how all their furniture has become because, you know, I’m a crazy cat lady complete with cat furniture.

Two weekends ago, I attended the second funeral I’ve ever been to in my life for the mother of a close friend. It was in a funeral home so that was different. Many people showed to express their love, and we had a dinner afterward that managed to be fun despite loss. The first few days after her death were harder for me than I expected. Parents don’t typically like me, but she did. She fed me with love. She was a kind person, the kind of person who deserved better than she got, you might say. It’s hard to look at smiling photos and realize that she is gone. Death is permanence that is hard for me to accept. Permanence is hard for me to accept to begin with.

But things have been good. I’ve been in a good place for a while now. The soul-sucking cold of winter just has be being forgetful. I managed to get a terrible cold that came on oh-so-suddenly but sleeping 16 hours a day for the first three days has gotten me over the hump. For this, I am grateful.

February has been a month full of makeup. Most of it has sucked. The stuff that hasn’t will go up on Reviews by Cole, simply because I purchased most of it and, god damn, am I sick of writing negative reviews.

I discovered and watched Weeds in its entirety over the last week. I cannot help but draw parallels with Breaking Bad. However, Breaking Bad is by far the better series. About halfway through Weeds, the writing staff must have changed. It lost its special something, but I was already invested by then. So, now, I need more recommendations because TV is doing this weird winter break thing.

My friends and I are already excitedly planning Wizard World Chicago (James O’barr! The Walking Dead!). I hope to add another trip to Minneapolis. No conventions this time. Just burlesque shows and concerts if I have it my way.

And now I am listening you YouTube artist Jasmine Thompson:

I’ve gotta run.


Dec 28

The Center of the Tornado

Things have been happening.. around me, not to me, just around me.

I enjoyed a drama-free Christmas. It wasn’t quite like when I was younger but it was nice. No fighting, no big problems. I was pleasantly surprised. We exchanged presents and enjoyed food and played games. I stayed at my uncle’s well after everyone else had left, chatting with him and his wife. There was some definite low-key awesomesauce going on.

On Christmas Eve, my sister’s grandmother was admitted to the hospital. This isn’t out of the normal as her health has been failing because of her diabetes for some time. She’s in and out of the hospital all of the time. Things weren’t looking good but I didn’t think it was any worse. Last night, my sister called me in tears about how sick her grandma was and Mom said her husband had gone to the hospital. Samantha quickly cheered up, as kids do, and I hung up.

I texted Mom a little bit later to ask her something unrelated. Her reply said her mother in law seemed to be doing better but, apparently, she died a short time later. I woke up to several texts from Samantha about her grandma dying but, by the time I woke up, they were already at the hospital with my mom who underwent a hysterectomy today. That went well, as we had reassured her and she’s spending the night.

I went up to the hospital today to see Mom and Samantha and Mom was incredibly funny because of her drugs. She was enjoying her alone time and being able to sleep, however. I took some time to talk to Samantha who seems to be doing incredibly well with this all. I don’t know how.

So, as you can see, I’m surrounded by activity that doesn’t directly affect me. I’m just trying my best to be there for everyone right now and hopefully I’m not failing.


Aug 09

Why Bother?

life.. pointless.. on the surface and perhaps everywhere else but our curiosity as humans leads us on and on, when perhaps we should just be letting go, cause i dont know anyone who’s truly alive anyway, and in the end we die. our curiosity led us to death. curiosity killed the cat, or in this case, the human.
either way you die. death is the inevitable.


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