Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Aug 13

A List Of Things That Are Bothering Me

We’ll start small.

My apartment is full of flies. I’ve never had more than 1  or 2 the entire time I’ve lived here. I’ve killed twice that in the hour I’ve been awake and a dozen were taken down last night. I don’t know what to do with them, and it’s not like it’s disgusting in here (aside from the flies). No room seems off limits. Sigh.

Then get big.

One of my best friends died three weeks ago. I suspected it was coming and we even got extra time with him. But it sucks. Period. He was younger than I am, and it seems so unfair. You can argue that he died as he lived — fearless and on his own terms — but it doesn’t make me feel much better. And I feel guilty in ways. That I don’t feel bad enough. That I maybe didn’t spend enough time with him when I could have. That I let discomfort prevent me from visiting him. That I checked out of our friendship during his last days because I couldn’t handle it. That I should be stronger. That I am letting this affect me too much for someone who was not romantically involved with him. Basically, if you can feel bad about it.. I do.

On the subject of loss.

Two of my close guy friends decided to move this year. One to another city and another a few miles away. It shouldn’t be such a big deal, but that’s 3/4 of my guy besties who aren’t accessible, two of them when I might especially need friends who will go on miles-long walks with me. And I’m not entirely sure these decisions are wise (though I recognize that it’s definitely not my place to say so). I can’t help but wonder if some of this pain — on both sides — could be mitigated by not leaving to begin with.

One friend’s move is only a reminder of how our friendship has atrophied over the past couple years. So while he might finally be moving, that era perhaps has already seen its end. And that’s difficult for me to come to terms with.

It would perhaps be easier to deal with these things if I weren’t so painfully single. That’s something that’s been weighing on me lately but only because there is someone who I like. And that terrifies me. Admitting it is scary. Trying to make something come of it? Terrifying! I’m pretty much in preparing-for-it-to-not-work-out-mode while simultaneously putting off acting on it more because I don’t want to usher in the inevitable end.

I’m pretty bummed that my eclipse plans seem to have fallen through. The friend I assumed I would go with can do it. I realized I made hotel reservations for the week after. Ugh! All the trains to the place where I wanted to spend the eclipse are booked, not to mention hotels. I don’t see how I can make it happen now. And that sucks. I was so looking forward to it.

Add to that loud, thoughtless friends, selfish people, pettiness, weird weather, missing out on legendary Pokemon, a potential foot/ankle injury and weight gain and.. everything is just sort of “meh” right now. =/


Sep 02

Being an Extrovert is Weird

Summer is rapidly coming to an end, and although I feel like I’ve been incredibly busy, I haven’t done much to write home about. I spent a weekend in Milwaukee, but haven’t gone to any cons. There’s been a few day trips, some game nights, many long walks with friends, Pokemon Go playing and eating out. It was all fun. There was laughter all around, but nothing stands out.

Perhaps that’s because I’ve been doing so much of it. I am currently in the midst of being the most extroverted I’ve ever been. It’s awesome but so very weird.

I recognize that being able to socialize with people, both en masse and so frequently, without needing to head home and check out for several days or hours is directly related to my anxiety being at an all-time low. I can’t argue that this is a bad thing. It’s really quite wonderful.

But it’s weird that I can more easily talk to strangers and feel more comfortable in certain spaces. That I can meet up with new people with minimal anxiety and spend hours socializing without feeling the need to end it is amazing. I’ve spent a lot of days with multiple social interactions, something that would’ve been highly unlikely if not impossible a few years ago. It does have me questioning whether my introversion was something that stood on its own of or if it’s something of a side effect of my anxiety.

A few weeks ago, I assumed that I would eventually feel more anxious and introverted  and that all would come crashing down, but while I have a hectic schedule, I seem to have found some balance. I’m not so worried about the other shoe dropping.

Although, I still do enjoy and feel energized by my down time, it’s not as necessary as it once was. In fact, I need to remind myself sometimes to do other things that I enjoy that have taken a back seat to socializing. This weekend I plan to play video games, take walks, catching up on blogging and read.. all by myself. Not having any work until Monday certainly makes this easy. Of course, I’ve already seen friends and added other things to my schedule, but I never realized how many hours were in a day until I paused from filling them all up.

So, you know, if you want to do something, I’m probably down.


Sep 26

By any other name


blogskinny.com

I love to put words together and make new words. I do it all the time. For example, I might ask a friend for his techspertise. In fact, one thing that I often do it put words together and mix up the syllables until I find the perfect combination. I can never actually remember the word for what that is — it’s a portmanteau. It’s like making cutesy celebrity couple names but it’s more awesome because there’s no silly actors involved and, well, there’s me!

It’s crazy to think that wordplay like that can result in a new entry in the dictionary. In fact, reading the list of new words that make it to the dictionary almost makes me cringe. Consider these:

  • bitcoin — a form of digital currency
  • vom — short for vomit (ew)
  • apols — pural shortening of apologies
  • blondie — the light version of a brownie (yum!)
  • BYOD — bring your own device
  • derp — “speech regarded as meaningless or stupid, or to comment on a foolish or stupid action”
  • fauxhawk — hair styled to look like a mohawk
  • jorts — jean shorts (WTF?!)
  • omnishambles — otherwise known as a clusterfuck
  • selfie — a self photo, typically taken by smartphone and uploaded to a social network
  • squee — a squeal of glee or excitement
  • srsly — shortened form of “seriously”
  • TL;DR, abbrev.: ‘too long didn’t read
  • unlike — to withdraw approval or remove a “Like” on Facebook

Granted, these words are only now appearing in Oxford’s online dictionaries, which feature modern word usage and not historical word roots. I wonder how many people looked at a list like this in 2005, when the word was finally added to the dictionary, and shook their heads with amusement or disgust. How many of them disapproved of the portmanteau entering the vernacular officially, despite the fact that people had been using it for nearly a decade at that point?

Change is imminent. We can’t fight it, and we can only run from it for so long.  After all, some of the greatest words we know were coined by none other than Shakespeare himself. and what else would you call a blog?


Nov 25

Here.

I took a walk tonight. It wasn’t especially long, but it was longer than I intended it to be. The air was cool and clear. It felt good in my lungs even if my cheeks were cold. I walked up the hill, along sidewalks that I have walked many time. I only live about three blocks from the house we lived in when I was in high school. I haven’t lived their for eight years, and my mother has since moved, but I think I’ve avoided going up that hill for reasons other than it’s a bitch on the knees. Seriously. How did I do that for four years?

In some ways, moving so close to my previous home made me feel as though I’d returned right back where I started with nothing to show for it. I thought to myself that ten years to the day, I might have been walking some of the same steps. Wouldn’t that be something? But I also realize that I’m not exactly where I was before. While I might be in a similar location, I’m not the same person.

When I walked those sidewalks in high school, I was angry and alone, and the music I listened to reflected that. I walked as an escape, and I looked upon the world cruelly. Tonight, I had a sense of wonder as I admired the Christmas decorations, many of which just went up. I also took time to look at the architecture. Wausau’s upper east side has many large, old homes. The styles range, too. There’s many victorians, but houses that would fit in at a Lousiana plantation or Spain also exist there. I even saw one that looked inspired by Frank Lloyd Wright (edit: it was a FLW house!). I’d forgotten how pretty parts of this city are.

As I climbed, I was able to look down through the trees. It was really spectacular. I couldn’t help but think that this walk would be quite romantic with someone by my side, holding my hand.

On my walk, I stumbled across a deer who was stumbling across the road. I saw a randomly-decorated tree in an alley and I discovered and apparent passion for architecture. But most importantly, I realized that I have not made the return home unscathed or unchanged. I am absolutely better. I am older, wiser. I appreciate more, yet I retain wide-eyed wonder.

What does it mean? I can’t pretend to know, but I can acknowledge that I am content with this.


May 17

Mirror Images

Once upon a time, I would avoid the mirror. I’d run past, especially if I were naked. I’d force my gaze to stray from the areas I didn’t like. There wasn’t much that I did like. And it wasn’t just the morning routine that was disturbed by my self loathing. It was detrimental to my relationships. My self-consciousness infiltrated every area of my life in a way that others probably didn’t understand and maybe you can’t also understand unless you’ve been there, too.

Lately, as I’ve watched the pounds slowly melt off, as I’ve put on pants that I couldn’t wear for years, as I’ve shopped for clothes that actually fit, as I’ve found styles that accent my curves, I’ve been less reluctant to face what the mirror has to show me. I started with small steps. I allowed forced myself to view a little at a time, then a little more. Now I can stand in front of the mirror in full. I suppose I have desensitized myself to the images that I had convinced myself were so vile before.

Now I see me in the mirror, every day, as I apply lotion. I see my skin, my hair. I see my shape, I see my scars, my marks, my blemishes. I don’t love it all but I don’t hate it, either, and that’s the accomplishment. I don’t flinch or run away. I am more or less at peace and, yes, sometimes even happy with what I see, with parts that I used to hate.

The difference plays out in my life. I walk taller, shoulders back with my chin up. I spend more time beautifying myself. I laugh more. I am less self conscious in public, which makes me less uptight in general. I am more open because I am not trying to hide myself for fear that someone may realize that I am not an attractive person or, rather, that I don’t find myself attractive.

All this confidence only pushes me to do more because I can see it, in those mirror images, that I am almost where I want to be.


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