The Scrolls

Posts Tagged ‘Ashe’

It really is a graveyard

hearing: “Fallen Angels”
feeling: insecure & disappointed
wanting: Rian, for things to be “right,” normality, to watch H2G2 again, more series on DVD…

I become easily excited over accomplishing little things: things such as going to the bank or the mall, seeing Mom and Samantha or friends. Working third shift blows because I come home and no one’s up; I could try to salvage the day by going to sleep right away but I’m never tired enough so I stay up a few hours which turns into a few more and by that time there’s no way I can salvage the day, no one is up still and I might be able to get enough sleep. -shrugs*

So when I have a day off I plan all the things I can do, but rarely do them. Third shift sucks but not having a car sucks even more. Seriously. I hate having to rely on people so, more often than not, I stay home, not leaving the house (except for work) for WEEKS at a time. I don’t want to do this. I want to get out; I really, truly, do but it takes so much effort to get out.

The other day, Wendy made this huge deal about wanting to go to the fair today (and by today I mean Saturday) but I didn’t see a reason to because wristband day is tomorrow and since admission is so much I didn’t want to go today and just waste money but she convinced me that the friend who got her in free would do the same to me and I agreed to go. I started becoming excited and this morning I mapped out everything I would do and thought it’d be a good day.

Well, Mom did come over but while she was here, Wendy left without telling me where she was going or for how long or if we were going to the fair. Since I was dead tired, I slept after Mom and Samantha left, which meant no going to the bank either. Perhaps I’ll take a walk over to the Pick n Save branch today.

I woke up, and was excited to see Rian online but AIM has been being an uber bitch so my mood just went downhill from there. Messages were being lost and by the time we could finally talk on MSN, the IM “atmosphere” was all wrong and I spent the entire time struggling with that and the fact that, recently, I’ve been insanely insecure.

I was talking to Ashe all the while and that really didn’t help. Turns out none of my friends want to go to the fair for the same reason I do: the rides. Hello?! Are you all old? What the fuck is wrong with you? Why can’t I have any fun? It’s bad enough I already missed the 2 concerts I really wanted to see because no one would go with me but this is just like arg. Why is having fun so difficult?

So it’s 5 am and I’m wide awake. I’ve already done most of the dishes, washed and put away my clothes and done the typical things I did on the internet. We need food and I wouldn’t mind growing shopping; hell, right now I wouldn’t mind walking, but there’s no one with whom to go. Maybe if Wausau were just a bit bigger there’d be something to do and someone with whom to do it, but it isn’t and there isn’t and it sucks.

I actually feel like updating the site a bit now so we’ll see what I can do.

To Be Something More

hearing: .45
feeling: terribly unhappy
wanting: my thoughts to just fucking stop

As I listen to this song I am crying. I cannot seem to come to terms with my own humanity these days. It’s so difficult for me to admit my faults for that would make me human. You might say “Well, duh, Cole!” but what’s obvious to most is rarely obvious to me.

Why must I be human? Can I not be better than that? I want, more than anything, to be better. I want to be able to look down upon others. I am so very vain. -sigh*

I don’t want to go into hysterics everytime I must admit I am wrong or so adamantly defend that I am right even when I know otherwise.

Why am I so full of angst? I thought I was over this shit…

And I’m sorry Ashe. I guess I do need to get over myself.. but there’s so much more going on, so much more behind what I say.

a REAL blog

hearing: Christina A
feeling: sore
wanting: Rian
There is only one subject about which I can speak subjectively: my cat. I accredit this to my lost childhood, but we all have our own sob stories so I won’t go into it. I’ll just say that I wish sometimes I could express the emotions I feel about certain things, because no matter if I’m speaking of my boyfriend, my friends, or my favourite band, I always come off quite matter of factly.

It’s difficult to speak with emotion, because I’m afraid of sounding sentimental when I’m striving for sensitive, but here goes.

I miss Rian, a lot. When I say a lot I can guarantee that you have no idea just how much I am pining for this boy. I realize he’s one of the very few people I talked to on a regular basis, and now more than ever I have empty time on my hands and nothing to do.

I’ve been going to sleep early, and waking up early because of this. I’ve watched so many movies, it’s insane and it’s just to fill the time. Right now I really wish I had a job, not just for money but for something to do and for the social aspects as well. I’ve been dreaming about working and these dreams have been emotion-filled. I feel as though I haven’t been trying hard enough, but I’m not sure what else I can do about it. I fill out applications, turn them in, call back in a few days.. and still, nothing. -sigh*

I’ve seen a lot of Ashe lately, which is okay but she can become annoying quickly. I dislike going to her house because she watches clips of rock stars whom I am not entirely interested in, or movies that suck. She also spends a lot of time online or whining about how she can’t talk to Max which isn’t too much fun for me, although we have talked to him on mic and he’s a pretty nice guy.

I really can’t handle it when my friends whine, partly because I don’t know what to say to make it better and partly because I just don’t care. Sometimes I seem so removed from my own life, as though I could just up and leave without ever returning and be fine. That scares me because without these people, I have no one and I know they’d feel betrayed to know this. I’m bad at tense situations, anyway. I am the joker and I often tell jokes at inappropriate moments, but I cannot help it.

I am so incredibly bored, and I cannot stand it. Today Ashe and Wendy came over and we took the dogs for a walk. Walking with the dogs is fun but I really wouldn’t want to walk them by myself because it either means two trips or one very dangerous walk with both dogs. -laughs* The dogs enjoyed it immensely.

I like taking walks a lot, more than everyone I know and I don’t know why. I like the movement and how I can slow down to the pace of my thoughts, or the beat of music. I have insanely strong calf muscles, and they’re one of my favourite things on my body. I bought some new shoes that are pink and beige-ish so while I walk I’ll be trying to keep them clean. They’re very cute and so far breaking them in has been relatively painless, except for some toe cramps today. -lol*

I also went to Ben’s today and that was fun. I didn’t feel as though he was dragging me along which is how I feel with some people. It was rather comfortable and we watched Kill Bill. It was fine overall, but I hadn’t realized how gory it was going to be. I think Tarantino is just a liiittle full of himself, though and would like to see less of that in his future films.

I’ve been seriously thinking about my new domains. I am reluctant to let this name go because I’ve had it for two years and people recognize it, but I think I’ve outgrown it. Come to think of it, I’m not sure if I ever really fit it. However, I should not spend too much time second guessing myself because that can only lead to bad things. So, I believe this is where the entry shall end and perhaps I’ll be able to write again soon. It’s much better when I actually write how I feel. It feels much more cathartic.

The first day of my life

hearing: Metal for the Masses II
feeling: Great
wanting: Nothing, for once

Today was fun. Yesterday was my last day of school and because I either had no exams or took them during class, I did not have to go today, nor Monday or Tuesday. So Ashe and I had planned to go to the mall to get Bourbon chicken with Schmidty, Destiny, and whoever else wanted to come.

Ashe called at quarter to 11, and came over while I checked my e-mail, filled out some loan information, etc. We were supposed to leave at noon but I took a while and had to take a shower. finally I was ready, but decided that if we were going to buy anything I had to cash a check, and since today is the last day I get paid form tutoring, asked Ashe if she wouldn’t mind going there first so I could cash/deposit all my checks at once.

We went to school first and Schmidty wasn’t there but we saw him in his car as we were driving away and arranged to meet back there after we went to work and after her dropped Tammy off at the mall. We went, got my check, and returned. We found Schmidty and set off toward my bank but because there’s too many one ways downtown, and I didn’t know which way to go exactly, the trip took much longer and we made many a wrong turns. We finally arrived and it was so busy. Then, Schmidty had to play with the calculator and I was embarrassed.

Finally, we made it to the mall and found Destiny along with Charlie and Chris. Chris elf soon after we bought bourbon chicken but the rest of us stayed and talked for a while. It was enjoyable.

Then we started wandering around the mall, and our first destination was Hot Topic. I wasn’t planning on buying anything but I remembered I had the gift card and the shirt I had wanted last week was on sale, so I bought that along with the Metal for the Masses II CD which also has a second disk with 150 MP3′s.

Schmidty and Charlie left to go to the bookstore and we stopped at the card store where Ashe bought me a bday card with polar bears. It’s cute. Unfortunately, then we lost Schmidty and Charlie because they weren’t at the bookstore when we arrived. We looked for them, and after a while we found Matt and some other chick..

So after a while we decided Schmidty was not in the mall and we would go back to the car. Then we see Schmidty and Charlie and it turns out they went to the library because they thought that’s where we went. I found it funny because my books were still in Schmidty’s car which was locked. At the library they made Charlie throw away my bourbon chicken. )=

So we headed to the library and returned my books and went down to the little park thing by the river. Then I took them across street and we crossed this old train bridge thing which freaked out Ashe. I showed them this place down by the dam which was cool and then we cross the river where the kayaking events will be taking place next month, and walked back to the car. There’s this cool building next to the dam which I would love to buy. It’s brick and has a really old feel, kinda British, to it.

Anyway, then we parked downtown to stop into this shop that Ashe wanted to go to and she found a nice plant to buy her mother. We stopped at this little cafe and had root beer floats, which was fun but my stomach was full and by the time we left I felt as though I was going to hurl. We went to uncle Oscar’s which has vintage clothing, an old bookstore, and then Janke bookstore. Ashe found something to buy herself there, a stuffed duck, and it was fun.

They dropped me off at home and I opened my mail: a letter from my first grade teacher. I think she just changed the names and sent the same letter to each of the students in our class, but that’s okay. She included some things she wrote after our first grade year, which was also the last year she taught first grade in that school. It closed a few years later, and all the classes after mine went to a neighboring school. She also sent each of us a copy of a story we wrote. I’m going to write her back because it was really sweet of her.

Yesterday I called Rian, and that was fun. I really missed him and it was becoming unbearable. On the flip side, I have started to catch up on some things. ;) I love talking to him, though, so I don’t mind being a little behind.

Monday night is graduation and practice is that afternoon. Tomorrow afternoon is both Wendy’s party at her dad’s and Christina’s grad parties and I’d like to go to Wendy’s and show up at Chis’ a little later because it’s a sleepover, but I have no ride to either. Then on Sunday Wendy is having another party’s at her mom’s and I really want to go to that, but don’t know if I can.

Also, next weekend is Christina’s, Melissa’s, Lary’s, and Ashe’s parties. It’ll be insane because they’re ALL on Saturday, and Lary’s is a sleepover. So.. I don’t know. If Tim has the car tomorrow, then things should be a little easier..

Bleh, I’m going to end this now.

I don’t know

hearing: Tetris
feeling: sore
wanting: sleep
New blogger.. Kinda confusing. Pretty neat. They have comment features, too. This stuff keeps getting better.. -clicks the preview button* Weeee -clicks hide preview*

Samantha was sick last night and altohugh she’s better tonight, she’s throwing tantrums like crazy. The dogs act as though they’re starving (Yea, right) and hound me when I eat.

This week’s busy. Cafe last night, work tonight and Thursday, tomorrow is the scholarship ceremony at school and Friday is Cold! That’s right, I am going! -bounces* Wendy’s dad bought tickets (We love you Wendy’s dad!).

Jack called tonight only I had just woke up from my nap and I was kinda bitchy. We’re waiting on my birthday and I just don’t want to talk to him. I don’t know what I am supposed to say other than “I’m still looking for a job.” I procrastinate way too much. -sigh*

I had an inpromptu interview with Trig’s, only they won’t be opening til after I’m gone. Guess I can’t work there, huh? -lmfao* I guess I need to be filling out applications left and right. It’s really lookign like I’ll need multiple jobs over the summer, and the summer isn’t that far away.

Ashe always blogs about me, and Rian and things I consider personal. Sometimes this bothers me, but her bad grammar bothers me worse. She bitches about how no one comments but really, why should be comment when she’s probably ranted the same thing at us previously in the day? She’s having issues with Mel again, and how can I nicely say I don’t want to hear them? Everyone needs to grow up a little, myself including because I know that I sometimes feed the fire.

Yea, I have French to do..

I’m back

Vote on my new poll

Miss me? -lol* I spent last night at Ashley’s house. It was okay, but Ifell asleep really early because I only had five hours of sleep the “night” before. Tuesday night Ashley came over and we played games, watched tv, etc. Then about 9 we went over to Ashe’s house and wound up staying the night. I finally fell asleep at 8 am on Ashe’s floor. XD

I have to start my paper for Yasha. By the way, the review site needs more reviewers! Go apply!

I also added a couple pages of new Cole pictures, including some from tonight. I was feeling pretty. ^_^

Look, a baby!

Samantha’s walking now. I don’t know if she’s early developing or not but it sure seems quick. She’s crawling on my side currently. She seems to be a really intelligent baby, and I know people say that about all babies, but I’m not a baby fan at all.

People, the ask me anything form is not a search bar. -rme* You ask me a question, I receive it in my inbox. and then I answer it at a later date in my blog. I do not have any questions I want to answer. You guys are slacking so, ask me questions.

Speaking of blogs, I’m done with this only blogging once a week crap. It’s boring. And I’ve also become bored of this layout. I’m working on a new one but I have a lot of mixed feelings on it.
You guys seem to have a lot of mixed feelings on my scrollbar. There isn’t one. -smirks* I happen to like it, and it will stay as long as the layout is up. I like it because I can never scroll up with my scrolly wheel on my mouse, only down. Now, I can do both. Yay!

I’ve sent off all my financial stuff to Collins and now I must call Jack. I thin I’m giving up on IADT because of all this shit they’ve pulled. I don’t know how good of an education I would have there. So now I have to start thinking about getting money and finding a way to move. It makes me nervous. It’s all going to happen to quickly, and I’m going to be standing around wondering where all the time went.

Ugh, but I really am excited to go to college and get out of high school. It’s so petty and it makes me bitchy and mean. I dislike so many of the people there, these days, that it’s not even funny. I sometimes think I should have just graduated at semester, but what would I have done for all this time? I wouldn’t have a job if I weren’t in school.

Speaking of jobs, I think Ben and I may go into a sort of business venture together. This could benefit me in many ways, I believe. If I did make any sort of money that’d be great, and working it’d be a great experience for me as well. It’s just so hard to get a hold of him. Let me rephrase that; I don’t call people. Although, I did call him last night because I think I broke Ashe’s comp. I wonder whether or not that has been fixed.