Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Aug 09

Little Victories

Today was a day full of things that made me laugh, smile and sing. And, perhaps more importantly, it was a day when I was able to look back and see those things, to recognize and appreciate and be happy.

I will breathe deeply and happily as I go to sleep tonight. And while that won’t be for a little bit despite being 4 in the morning, that’s okay!

A very nice cashier at CVS commented on how pretty I looked/nicely I was dressed. I stocked up on all the delicious food, replaced my shorted-out headphones and scored some neat-looking nail polish.

A quick trip to the mall filled my belly and my bag with free VS panties.

Several hours of Cards Against Humanity and laughter later, I felt less alone, more connected and lighter-hearted than I have in days. Weeks. A month?

I signed on to facebook to see Reviews by Cole had finally hit 4800. Then enjoyed a delicious dinner, perhaps a bit too late. Oops!

I finally am making some money on Izea.

And have you checked out my Sverve score?!

I made plans to see Guardians of the Galaxy again! Because it is awesome!

I feel more clear about the things I need to do for me, but now I am sure that these are things I can do. What’s more, I’ve realized that I do have more goals than I realize and more time in which to complete them.

I’ve turned helpless frustration and anger into a plan on which I can act. I’ve let go of anger and replaced it with love.

I will now enjoy some Parks and Recreation while playing on my phone.

Score!


Jul 14

On Forced Relaxation

I am in a particularly good mood today. Perhaps it’s this crazy weather, but it also has to do with the fact that I just came home from the dentist.  I was in a good mood the last time I came home from a checkup.

for the most part, my appointments have gone quicker and easier than expected, but there’s something else that I like about the dentist. As I sit there in the chair with nothing to do, I just focus on my breathing and relaxation. This sort of forced relaxed is why I like some roller coasters/carnival rides. There’s nothing I can do in the situation. You sit still until it’s over, so you might as well relax.

In some ways, I’ve spent the last week doing the same. I guess I’m the kind of person who comes down with a terrible cold in the middle of July. My head wasn’t in the game, so I definitely took it easy when it came to work. I did what I could,  but I wasn’t writing as much as usual.

To be honest? I needed that. I spent a lot of time sleeping to feel better (I’m still not back at 100%). I stayed home and watched a ton of Stargate: SG-1. And I didn’t feel amazing, but I certainly felt less anxious.

That’s why I’m writing this. Because I have nothing else to do ( Okay, I should be writing a few reviews). I don’t have to be writing this. So I feel more inspiration to write a blog post, even if I’m only telling you that I’m a freak who likes the dentist and being sick. LOL


Jul 31

Clutter-free is Less Anxiety for Me

Periodically, I clean out my life. Whether it’s deleting files from my hard drive, emptying my iTunes library, selling oil clothes on eBay or finally throwing out bottles of shampoo that I’m never going to use, it feels great. A while back, I went through my laptop and external hard drive, deleting bookmarks and emails that I no longer needed. Especially when it comes to my digital life, I’ve often attached myself to things–files, data, etc. It’s easy to do this with documents and emails, because they don’t require any physical space, but because of my anxiety, I keep some sort of mental tally. I see the number of files and the names of folders fly past my eyes, and it makes me nervous, restless.

At first, deleting always causes me to feel a little fear. I think “What if I needed that again?” “What if I can’t find that file again, when I need it in the future.” But once the cleanup is done, once I convince myself to get off my ass and take out the trash or clean out that drawer or just to open that folder and start clicking, I feel such a sense of relief and lightness. I love clearing up that mental space. Spring cleaning helps to defragment my mind. I know what I have and where I have it, and I don’t worry about losing things, and part of me likes being somewhat-unencumbered.

I will never be completely free. I’m not the type who can pack a bag and travel the world, but I do like having just what I need and knowing that everything I need, I have. I don’t like clutter. My uncle recently asked me what I liked to collect and I said “Nothing! I hate clutter.” In fact, things like my computer and Kindle let me live with even less clutter. I’ve been cleaning out books and movies. I can honestly see a point in my life when I have neither.

But I haven’t always been organized, so while I’m making strides now, there’s a lot of past clutter to go through, or so it feels like. And I get pretty frazzled, or fragmented, when I try to keep track of things in my head. Other people simply forget about things until such is the time when they need to remember, but I’m not so good at forgetting. I don’t have enough back burners for all the mental flotsam and jetsam, so the only way I can feel less anxious is to get rid of as much as possible, which results in me literally getting rid of stuff.

So while I certainly love the remaining material things perhaps more than some people recommend that we do love things, I also recognize how unhealthy it is to love those things more than people. Because things are replaceable while people, for the most part, are not. Things provide me with tools and solutions, but people provide me with companionship and happiness. Still, both people and things can make my anxiety go crazy, so one thing I’m really trying to work on is to preventing myself from letting in and becoming close to people who are  toxic and bad for my mental health. Just like the clutter of files or material things, they take a crazy toll on my mental faculties.

For the most part, I don’t have a lot of baggage, but I do tend to look at things in my life as though they are more baggage-y than they are. I suppose this is why I clear out as much as possible, so the remaining people and things are the type of baggage that, at the very least, I want to handle.


Jul 29

ex·cit·ed

Some people get giddy with excitement, and it’s adorable. Others talk about their favorite things in a way that is simply obnoxious. Me? I don’t get excited, no really. I become passionate  about the things I love. I want to talk about them seriously. I analyze. In short, my fandoms and interests lack the sort of levity that enables others to be excited and fun about theirs, and it makes me jealous.

I don’t know how to squee with delight. I don’t know how to get super excited about upcoming events. I can’t prolong the happy feelings of doing something for more than a few days after. I’m just not very good at all at being excited. I wasn’t always this way, I don’t think. I mean, I was always weirdly serious, deep,  but I remember feeling excited in the past. There’s a few things that have made it difficult, I think.

  • My anxiety flaring up in the recent years
  • Others bombarding me with their own excitement..
  • ..and subsequently removing any room of my own for me to be excited
  • My self consciousness

Most of those are not very good reasons, logically, but I just don’t know how. How do you get excited? How do you psych yourself up? How do you make the feeling last? I don’t know


Mar 16

I don’t hate it.

I used to hate a lot of things. Or, at least, dislike many things. I used to look for the negative and find it quite easily. Let’s face it, finding the negative is almost always easier. It’s easy to look at the world with harsh eyes. But lately I’ve found myself using the phrase “I don’t hate it.” For instance, I bought this perfume and it was only $4 and even though it’s kind of weird and doesn’t last long, I don’t hate it. Success. In fact, I may have uttered a variation of that to Robyn when we were shopping.

I don’t hate it and nothing is permanent and that is good enough. Good enough? Who ever would have thought that the girl who likes things the way she likes them would ever settle for “good enough?” It’s not all of the time, I still have progress to make, but I have made progress and I have made it so well that I haven’t even realized it. I’m not straining everyday to be positive. Sometimes, I don’t need to even think about being positive; I just do it. Sometimes I accept that “I don’t hate it” is okay, that I don’t need to say “I love it” about everything.

Nevertheless, being relaxed is still a struggle most days. My anxiety and tendency to thinkthinkthink is ever-present. I sometimes slip back into my old habits and focus on how much more I need to improve instead of congratulating myself for the improvements I have made. It’s these sudden realizations of what I am doing or haven’t been doing that seem to boost my confidence and, as a result, ease my anxiety the most.

One thing that I have recently come to accept is that, no matter how much progress I do make, no matter how much I change the way I think, my anxiety is something that I will never be able to fully eliminate. It is something that I can manage but it is something that will always be there if I continue to go the non-medicinal route (and, to be honest, may still exist even if I do choose to go that route). I will never get a full reprieve from my anxiety but accepting that fact means I have far less anxiety about my anxiety (meta-anxiety?).

Less anxiety, in turn, means less insomnia. Or so I hope. It’s been ridiculously difficult lately. Luckily, I’ve stumbled across a few different apps for the Android and iPod that offer some sleep solutions. In fact, I used one last night that was terrific!


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