The Scrolls

Posts Tagged ‘Angst’

Bye?

So Wendy left. She didn’t even send me an e-mail or leave a note. She left my hairdryer, too, which she had asked to borrow.

We’re supposed to get like a foot of snow today. Lovely. -sl*

Rian kinda just hung up on me? -shrugs*

I’m going to sleep.

Namaste

hearing: cheesy hotel music and a squeaky fan?
feeling: intrigued
wanting: to be with my husband

Just a small note that I am indeed in Japan. The flying was fine although the timing and the vastness of O`hare were a bit unnerving. Luckily, I made myself an American friend who just so hapens to work at DISNEYLAND in Tokyo. She plays the princesses ~ how cool is that? Wait until I tell Samantha that I met Cinderella!

Anyway, I probably would have been lost without her but I am not. In fact, I`m currently using the internet at a hotel because I decided it’s worth the 50 some dollars for a hot shower and a real bed. I’ve really been sleep deprived as of late.

I’m going to make a few phone calls then shower and hit the hay but after this: did you know that I cannot find Mt. Dew anywhere in this hotel? I can get MinuteMaid, Coke or even freaking Evian but not Dew. Rawr!

Odds ‘n’ Ends

hearing: A Trojan commercial
feeling: Sore & Tired
wanting: My kitty

Hasn’t been much to blog about lately. Work is work and there’s good days and bad days. I’m glad to have the Cow gone, but CSM Kim needs to be more assertive and take the initiative. The cashiers shouldn’t be the ones telling her what to do and she should make she she is “Taking care” of us before herself, as our supervisor and that includes not only breaks but keeping up busy and working as well.

I’d been having a terribly hard time to find a costume I liked. I don’t want to be just some Gothic/Dark/Evil/Princess/Renaissance/Thing; I’d rather be something which people can name. I found several online but buying clothes online can be risky because you can’t try it on and don’t know if it will fit and costumes are designed to fit a range or sizes but something which claims to be a small or a size 4-6, will generally run a little larger or smaller because of the range of sizes. So, with it being this close to Halloween I didn’t want to have to send a costume back and not recieve it in time (or only be able to get a refund because they don’t have anymore) or not be able to do a refund/exchange at all.

I found this costume I liked at work but they didn’t have my size and every place online was at least $20 more expensive. Plus, it’s made for tall people. I did find a couple other costumes I liked online but I didn’t like any of them that much and I really wanted to find something here.

Finally, Ashley and I went to Factory Card Outlet since I was having no luck anyplace else and she still needed a costume. Their costumes were okay, better than some places and the prices were decent but I didn’t see anything I liked and in my size. She bought this costume and then I had to practically beg her to go to Kmart, the only other store which might have something that we hadn’t been to.

So we stop at K-mart and head to the costumes section. They had several of each costume but there weren’t all that many and most of them were fairly trypical. However, after searhcing the racks for a bit I found this one and decided to get it. I’d seen it online and mostly I like how it looks spooky and the purplish glow around the wig. As I’m leaving the cashier tells me how all costumes will be 40% off and if I come back before today (eeps), they’ll refund me the difference. Awesome!

So we return home and try on the costumes and, to my surprise, it fits! Not only does it fit, but my boobs look great in it and I can wear my corset (well, one of them) over the dress but under the cloak and look even better. So, I have a costume and I like it, but I’ll have to buy a better wig which is still cheaper than some of the costumes out there.

Today, I was planning to take a walk up to the mall. to buy the wig and have my necklage fixed, when it opened and then up to Mom’s so I could see Floppy because I missed me kitty something awful. )= Instead, I went there after work with Tim because he said Mom had to work so I figured he could drive me back when he dropped Mom off from work.

Samantha was so cute and sleepy looking as she watched Sesame Street on TV. The animals surrounded me and, eventually, Pesky curled up on my arm/chest and I rested my head on her. Floppy plopped his fat ass down on the coffeee table and purred as I petted him and Tim said he weights 53 pounds now. O_O. Holy big kitty. He needs to go on a diet.

Penny showed up to take Mom to work and drop Samantha off at her Grandma’s and as soon as she walked in the door Samantha was telling her about Cole. Awwww. Thye had to elave shortly so Mom and Tim left it up to Samantha to decide who she wanted to ride with and eventualyl she picked Mom and Penny but she wouldn’t get dressed so they put her bunny slippers on her but then she started whining about how she wanted to “stay with Cole.” I love that kid.

Eventually, I got ready to leave with Tim because he needed to stop at the store and I walked Samantha out to the car but she started to cry because I had to leave her and wouldn’t get in the car when she said “Come on Cole.” I hate it when she cries but, hopefully, I’ll see her later this afternoon and she can help us decorate.

I’ll have to finish decorating the inside of the house tonight with Ashe and we should probably go grocery shopping and buy the food for the party. Speaking of the party, I saw both Mel and Tristan last night and invited them but I still have two invites sitting on my deck because I don’t have addresses to which mail them aaand there’s less than a week until the party. Damn. Time flies quickly.

Speaking of time flying – it’s time for me to fly.

It really is a graveyard

hearing: “Fallen Angels”
feeling: insecure & disappointed
wanting: Rian, for things to be “right,” normality, to watch H2G2 again, more series on DVD…

I become easily excited over accomplishing little things: things such as going to the bank or the mall, seeing Mom and Samantha or friends. Working third shift blows because I come home and no one’s up; I could try to salvage the day by going to sleep right away but I’m never tired enough so I stay up a few hours which turns into a few more and by that time there’s no way I can salvage the day, no one is up still and I might be able to get enough sleep. -shrugs*

So when I have a day off I plan all the things I can do, but rarely do them. Third shift sucks but not having a car sucks even more. Seriously. I hate having to rely on people so, more often than not, I stay home, not leaving the house (except for work) for WEEKS at a time. I don’t want to do this. I want to get out; I really, truly, do but it takes so much effort to get out.

The other day, Wendy made this huge deal about wanting to go to the fair today (and by today I mean Saturday) but I didn’t see a reason to because wristband day is tomorrow and since admission is so much I didn’t want to go today and just waste money but she convinced me that the friend who got her in free would do the same to me and I agreed to go. I started becoming excited and this morning I mapped out everything I would do and thought it’d be a good day.

Well, Mom did come over but while she was here, Wendy left without telling me where she was going or for how long or if we were going to the fair. Since I was dead tired, I slept after Mom and Samantha left, which meant no going to the bank either. Perhaps I’ll take a walk over to the Pick n Save branch today.

I woke up, and was excited to see Rian online but AIM has been being an uber bitch so my mood just went downhill from there. Messages were being lost and by the time we could finally talk on MSN, the IM “atmosphere” was all wrong and I spent the entire time struggling with that and the fact that, recently, I’ve been insanely insecure.

I was talking to Ashe all the while and that really didn’t help. Turns out none of my friends want to go to the fair for the same reason I do: the rides. Hello?! Are you all old? What the fuck is wrong with you? Why can’t I have any fun? It’s bad enough I already missed the 2 concerts I really wanted to see because no one would go with me but this is just like arg. Why is having fun so difficult?

So it’s 5 am and I’m wide awake. I’ve already done most of the dishes, washed and put away my clothes and done the typical things I did on the internet. We need food and I wouldn’t mind growing shopping; hell, right now I wouldn’t mind walking, but there’s no one with whom to go. Maybe if Wausau were just a bit bigger there’d be something to do and someone with whom to do it, but it isn’t and there isn’t and it sucks.

I actually feel like updating the site a bit now so we’ll see what I can do.

To Be Something More

hearing: .45
feeling: terribly unhappy
wanting: my thoughts to just fucking stop

As I listen to this song I am crying. I cannot seem to come to terms with my own humanity these days. It’s so difficult for me to admit my faults for that would make me human. You might say “Well, duh, Cole!” but what’s obvious to most is rarely obvious to me.

Why must I be human? Can I not be better than that? I want, more than anything, to be better. I want to be able to look down upon others. I am so very vain. -sigh*

I don’t want to go into hysterics everytime I must admit I am wrong or so adamantly defend that I am right even when I know otherwise.

Why am I so full of angst? I thought I was over this shit…

And I’m sorry Ashe. I guess I do need to get over myself.. but there’s so much more going on, so much more behind what I say.

Resistance

I am having one of those moments. The moments in which I cannot come to terms with my humanity and I want to cut off my skin, crawl out of it, and die. I feel the need to shed myself of the human filth, the taint, and help to end it by ending myself.
While seemingless self destructive, this is so much more. It is much more Earth productive. This is beyond me and the personal. This is so much more. This is the eye opened, the ultimate knowing and understanding of good an evil. This is my epiphany.
And it’s over. I’m better now. My skin isn’t crawling and I can accept my humanity, if only for the sole reason that you’re cursed, too.

a REAL blog

hearing: Christina A
feeling: sore
wanting: Rian
There is only one subject about which I can speak subjectively: my cat. I accredit this to my lost childhood, but we all have our own sob stories so I won’t go into it. I’ll just say that I wish sometimes I could express the emotions I feel about certain things, because no matter if I’m speaking of my boyfriend, my friends, or my favourite band, I always come off quite matter of factly.

It’s difficult to speak with emotion, because I’m afraid of sounding sentimental when I’m striving for sensitive, but here goes.

I miss Rian, a lot. When I say a lot I can guarantee that you have no idea just how much I am pining for this boy. I realize he’s one of the very few people I talked to on a regular basis, and now more than ever I have empty time on my hands and nothing to do.

I’ve been going to sleep early, and waking up early because of this. I’ve watched so many movies, it’s insane and it’s just to fill the time. Right now I really wish I had a job, not just for money but for something to do and for the social aspects as well. I’ve been dreaming about working and these dreams have been emotion-filled. I feel as though I haven’t been trying hard enough, but I’m not sure what else I can do about it. I fill out applications, turn them in, call back in a few days.. and still, nothing. -sigh*

I’ve seen a lot of Ashe lately, which is okay but she can become annoying quickly. I dislike going to her house because she watches clips of rock stars whom I am not entirely interested in, or movies that suck. She also spends a lot of time online or whining about how she can’t talk to Max which isn’t too much fun for me, although we have talked to him on mic and he’s a pretty nice guy.

I really can’t handle it when my friends whine, partly because I don’t know what to say to make it better and partly because I just don’t care. Sometimes I seem so removed from my own life, as though I could just up and leave without ever returning and be fine. That scares me because without these people, I have no one and I know they’d feel betrayed to know this. I’m bad at tense situations, anyway. I am the joker and I often tell jokes at inappropriate moments, but I cannot help it.

I am so incredibly bored, and I cannot stand it. Today Ashe and Wendy came over and we took the dogs for a walk. Walking with the dogs is fun but I really wouldn’t want to walk them by myself because it either means two trips or one very dangerous walk with both dogs. -laughs* The dogs enjoyed it immensely.

I like taking walks a lot, more than everyone I know and I don’t know why. I like the movement and how I can slow down to the pace of my thoughts, or the beat of music. I have insanely strong calf muscles, and they’re one of my favourite things on my body. I bought some new shoes that are pink and beige-ish so while I walk I’ll be trying to keep them clean. They’re very cute and so far breaking them in has been relatively painless, except for some toe cramps today. -lol*

I also went to Ben’s today and that was fun. I didn’t feel as though he was dragging me along which is how I feel with some people. It was rather comfortable and we watched Kill Bill. It was fine overall, but I hadn’t realized how gory it was going to be. I think Tarantino is just a liiittle full of himself, though and would like to see less of that in his future films.

I’ve been seriously thinking about my new domains. I am reluctant to let this name go because I’ve had it for two years and people recognize it, but I think I’ve outgrown it. Come to think of it, I’m not sure if I ever really fit it. However, I should not spend too much time second guessing myself because that can only lead to bad things. So, I believe this is where the entry shall end and perhaps I’ll be able to write again soon. It’s much better when I actually write how I feel. It feels much more cathartic.