Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
May 29

-melts-

This heat makes me miserable. I’m constantly coated in sweat and I can’t sleep during the day. I feel half nauseous and half as though I’m going to pass out any minute. I called in last night and felt like a pussy because I felt better later but as soon as I had some cereal this morning it felt like there was a weight in my stomach.

I’m not sure if it’s the misery of the heat that’s making me feel the way I’m feeling but I’m definitely having less than happy thoughts lately and it worries me.

Oh well. I shouldn’t be bitching anyway.

[edit]
To top it all off, I’m almost done with ym shower when Ilook downand see a creepy, crawly, nasty, ewwy beetle type bug! GET OUT OF MY SHOWER YOU FIEND!


Apr 10

Musings

Walking today, I noticed a group of teenagers – both girls and guys, some walking and some riding bikes. I head the familiar shrieks and squeals and laughter and I panged. Something pulled at the strings of my heart and told me to take another look, to make that passing glance linger longer.

Sometimes still I regret being the introvert me, the anger, bitterness, resentment and pretention that I exuded which only further alienated myself, rather than welcoming new friendships which could have held such potential.

Sometimes still I wish I had been popular – with the right people. I wish I had been the “it” girl who, while she may not have been the “brightest crayon in the box,” had the boyfriend, the friends (the right friends), the money, the looks, and the laugh.
Sometimes still I wish I was hated by those you wanted to be me, adored by those who clung to me, and watched from afar by those who wanted to be with me.

Sometimes still I regret declining that invitation, skipping that dance, letting those angered words escape my lips and not making myself more approachable.

Sometimes still I have regrets, even when I claim I don’t.

But life is not, nor should it ever be, about regrets. Too much valuable time is spent on “what ifs” and while there are a lot of what ifs, what ifs do not amount to a lot.
In the end, I wouldn’t trade this for anything. I may bitch and moan and whine and complain but I am further than I was yesterday and tomorrow I will be further still.

I would not even trade this to have Amanda back. While I miss her dearly, she is gone and for whatever reason, she is meant to be where she is. As I am meant to be where I am and wherever I will be is where I meant meant to be then. This doesn’t mean that I will vegitate in this place forever; no, I will do everything in my power to leave but I will always be where I am meant to be.

But just because I am meant to be there, doesn’t mean I will like it. I may have been destined to spend two decades in Wausau, but I know now, with all my being, that it’s simply wrong to be so far from my husband.

But I would not trade it. Why, you ask? Because I have that which I need most. I have love. And while love may think – he may think – that I have been the saviour all along, it is love – it is him – who has saved me more times and in more ways that I could even name, even if I spent my entire lifetime trying.

To sum it all up: It is good to be alive.


Mar 22

“Forgive Me”

Can you forgive me again?
I don’t know what I said
But I didn’t mean to hurt you

I heard the words come out
I felt that I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you

Then you look at me
You’re not shouting anymore
You’re silently broken

I’d give anything now
to kill those words for you

Each time I say something I regret I cry “I don’t want to lose you.”
But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah.

‘Cause you were made for me
Somehow I’ll make you see
How happy you make me

I can’t live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive

So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I’m screaming inside that I’m sorry.

And you forgive me again
You’re my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you


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