The Scrolls

Posts Tagged ‘Angst’

-melts-

This heat makes me miserable. I’m constantly coated in sweat and I can’t sleep during the day. I feel half nauseous and half as though I’m going to pass out any minute. I called in last night and felt like a pussy because I felt better later but as soon as I had some cereal this morning it felt like there was a weight in my stomach.

I’m not sure if it’s the misery of the heat that’s making me feel the way I’m feeling but I’m definitely having less than happy thoughts lately and it worries me.

Oh well. I shouldn’t be bitching anyway.

[edit]
To top it all off, I’m almost done with ym shower when Ilook downand see a creepy, crawly, nasty, ewwy beetle type bug! GET OUT OF MY SHOWER YOU FIEND!

I’ve been down this road before

hearing: Ambeon – High
feeling: Angry and worthless

I’m not sure whether I want to cry or cut.

Musings

Walking today, I noticed a group of teenagers – both girls and guys, some walking and some riding bikes. I head the familiar shrieks and squeals and laughter and I panged. Something pulled at the strings of my heart and told me to take another look, to make that passing glance linger longer.

Sometimes still I regret being the introvert me, the anger, bitterness, resentment and pretention that I exuded which only further alienated myself, rather than welcoming new friendships which could have held such potential.

Sometimes still I wish I had been popular – with the right people. I wish I had been the “it” girl who, while she may not have been the “brightest crayon in the box,” had the boyfriend, the friends (the right friends), the money, the looks, and the laugh.
Sometimes still I wish I was hated by those you wanted to be me, adored by those who clung to me, and watched from afar by those who wanted to be with me.

Sometimes still I regret declining that invitation, skipping that dance, letting those angered words escape my lips and not making myself more approachable.

Sometimes still I have regrets, even when I claim I don’t.

But life is not, nor should it ever be, about regrets. Too much valuable time is spent on “what ifs” and while there are a lot of what ifs, what ifs do not amount to a lot.
In the end, I wouldn’t trade this for anything. I may bitch and moan and whine and complain but I am further than I was yesterday and tomorrow I will be further still.

I would not even trade this to have Amanda back. While I miss her dearly, she is gone and for whatever reason, she is meant to be where she is. As I am meant to be where I am and wherever I will be is where I meant meant to be then. This doesn’t mean that I will vegitate in this place forever; no, I will do everything in my power to leave but I will always be where I am meant to be.

But just because I am meant to be there, doesn’t mean I will like it. I may have been destined to spend two decades in Wausau, but I know now, with all my being, that it’s simply wrong to be so far from my husband.

But I would not trade it. Why, you ask? Because I have that which I need most. I have love. And while love may think – he may think – that I have been the saviour all along, it is love – it is him – who has saved me more times and in more ways that I could even name, even if I spent my entire lifetime trying.

To sum it all up: It is good to be alive.

…

“Forgive Me”

Can you forgive me again?
I don’t know what I said
But I didn’t mean to hurt you

I heard the words come out
I felt that I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you

Then you look at me
You’re not shouting anymore
You’re silently broken

I’d give anything now
to kill those words for you

Each time I say something I regret I cry “I don’t want to lose you.”
But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah.

‘Cause you were made for me
Somehow I’ll make you see
How happy you make me

I can’t live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive

So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I’m screaming inside that I’m sorry.

And you forgive me again
You’re my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you

‘if’

say it if it’s worth saving me…

Tehehe.

On Lavish there is a forum called “Dear X” where you can write letters “to” people without them ever seeing them. I wrote this to/about CSM Kim, one of my immediate supervisors.dear x,
while I think that you are a pretty nice person in general, and you’re more competent than some of my other supervisors, I think you should know that you have the world’s most obnoxious personality and you’re job is redundant. I don’t need a supervisor and I’m not stupid, if you haven’t notice.

Speaking of you being an unnecessary addition to the payroll, if we don’t need you, why do you feel that we do?! Why do you never takes breaks?! We can take care of ourselves and we’ll probably be better off if you go away.
You probably realize this to a point – which is why you tell us to do stuff (which we already know) just to be authoratative which only angers us more.
I don’t need you to tell me I’m going on 17 when it’s just you, me and Diane. I always go on 17 when it’s us 3.
I don’t need you to tell me to go on lunch at 2:30 when I always go at 2:30.
I don’t need you to tell me to sign off and I especially don’t need you to do it for me! I am not stupid.
You are a member of management, technically, so you should not be afraid to talk to other members of management. I am not. When I need to ask something, I ask it!
The way you always eavesdrop is rude, to say the least! If I am having a conversation with someone and did not invite you, back the fuck off! If you think I’m wasting time, then say so but eavesdropping is not the way to do it.
Stop bitching. Period.
I don’t care about your personal life, your stupid valentine’s ring, what you had for dinner or what you’re having for lunch, how you didn’t get enough sleep or won’t be getting enough sleep, or how your car got stuck. And for Christ’s sake, stop talking abuot sex and your period. You are hideous and your husband is even worse. Some of us don’t want to hear this shit. (And how your period smells?! WTF?!)
And you’re really trying too hard to impress us with your anime knowledge.
Oh, your husband knows computers? I’ve been around a few in my time, too, and he’s got at least 10 years on me.
Speaking of your husband, I think that if I have to hear you use the term ‘hubby’ once more, I’m going to kill you and Rian is not my “hubby.” People who use that term are 40 year old, white trailer trash hos wearing spandex and/or sweats and eating popcorn while watching Jeopardy.
You are not my friend and I only speak to you when I have to, please get that through your head. I’m not going to like you any better if you constantly offer me food.
What’s with this ignoring the customers? If I page you to customer service because there’s a customer – don’t stop to talk to your friend!
And how is it that you cannot see people, especially customers when they are 10 feet away?! I think you do need a stronger glasses prescription!
Go ahead and do your duties before helping us work freight. It is not your freight, it is ours. While we appreciate your help, we can do fine without you as your work ethic sucks and we don’t need you, as I said before! While I’m on that topic, I know you think you work hard, but you don’t. You’re not the one running around putting out our freight, switching out features, doing favours for management, and trying to cashier (and/or answer the phone, do layaway, work jewelry, work the customer service desk, or figure out where the fuck you are).
In fact, all you do is stand at the edge of my register and bag for me when I had small orders, yet when I or someone else has a large order, you ignore us and don’t help. WTF?
When Jason brings up cigarettes and we have had two carts of freight waiting to be worked, that is not the time to say “Finally something to do!”

To put it shortly, shut up, work harder and realize we don’t need you and maybe my night wouldn’t automatically be ruined just by seeing you at 10 0′clock. I know I should have more tolerance for stupid people, but I don’t so you’ll have to be less stupid. (=

-Nicole

PS. I hate your laugh.

I love you Fernie

Not much response to my Nohari or Johari windows. -chuckles* But some of the responses I recieved were surprising and apparently others agree. (How am I powerful?! -chuckles*)

not much has been going on in my little corner of the world. Mostly just working and I may be able to complete a bunch of stuff which will result in me being able to live with Rian. ^_^ That would seriously rock, no really. You have no idea.

Speaking of work, Fernie overslept today and then one of the managers told CSM Kim that she was on leave until the 4th and I was all worried because yesterday morning I went out to breakfast with Fernie and she hadn’t said anything so I thought something big must have happened to make her go on leave. As it turns out, management is full of shit (well, we already knew that) and Fernie just overslept. So, wtf mate?!

On an unrelated note, whenever I don’t use my humidifier for a while it smells like wet dog when I turn it on, so I have candles on. It’s been extremely dry in here lately but I’ve just been too lazy to fill it up with water.

Speaking of (last time I use that phrase in this post) disuse, yesterday I attempted to print off some job descriptions because I’m really burned out from mine and think I need a new one, even if I’m not here for very long. So, I found a few listings online, mostly banking and/or secretarial positions but I wouldn’t mind either of those. I specifically avoided retail because I think 3 years is enough of that, don’t you? Anyway, my printer didn’t print off any black ink even though it’s not out so I’ve had to run the little head cleaning tool something like 10 times and it’s still not working! Pfft. The bitch.

I finished converting everything to PHP and, coincidentally, it actually made a few scripts I was running.. a bit obsolete so I did away with those. Besides converting to PHP, I moved most of the content to different directories to clean up my main directory a bit.

And just a random thought – you know what I hate? Well, besides ‘everything?’ I really dislike when people use the term ‘hubby.’ He is not my hubby; he is my husband and to make anything less of it is disrespectful.

If you choose to call your own that, it does nothing for your image. In fact, all it does is help the rest of us conjure of 40 year old, white trailer trash hos wearing spandex and/or sweats and eating popcorn while watchin Jeopardy so cut it out!