Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Sep 27


I am pretty conscientious about how other people feel. I try to be thoughtful and anticipate issues. I spend a lot of time listening to people about their feeling and advising them, and I’ve got a pretty good grasp on how people react to what type of situations.

It’s safe to say, I think, that people aren’t often upset or angry with me because of this. And when they are, it’s often because of how they filter and react to the world around them and less about what I have done. But because I have tried to do everything as “right” as possible, I wind up feeling so confused and hurt when people are angry.

I try to chase them down and change those feelings, and this rarely makes things better. But in my mind, I would — and often do — cut someone slack when they have good intentions. I am sympathetic to others’ feelings, even if it means understanding both sides of the issues when one person wants me to be on “Their” side.

The last 24 hours have been frustrating for me, as someone expressed anger in my direction although not entirely at me. I felt as though it was my fault and worried that more people were angry. Truly, the situation was no one’s fault and just a bit of a misunderstanding. At best, it resulted in a “bummer” for people involved who weren’t me. It boggles my mind that someone could become so angry over it.

At the same time, I know why feelings were running so high, and I also knew it had nothing to do with me. But it was hard to see outside my role and not try to fix it.

I think I need to realize that I can’t “fix’ another person’s feelings — and that I shouldn’t have to. Those feelings are on them, and I don’t need to let them drag me down, too, especially when I can see how irrational those feelings are.

But it’s hard. IT brings me back to my ex, who would hold every negative thing I did or “made” him feel — no matter how unintended — against me. This screwup might be the time he stops dealing with pathetic, unworthy Cole. This might be the time that everything falls to pieces, and it’s all my fault.

He was incredibly manipulative in that way, and while I can see in hindsight that’s neither a person I should love, a relationship that’s healthy or happy to be in or a situation that I am creating, those feelings still creep up on me.

After my divorce, I’ve tried and continue to try so hard to be above criticism, to be so good that no one could again blame me for anything.. even if that’s unrealistic. Because I don’t want to be the person my ex painted me as, whether or not he even believed it. Because I did.

And while I know I am not the same I person if I ever was that person, I guess. It’s also important to remember the people I’m dealing with now aren’t my ex.

This is perhaps a good place to leave off, with thoughtful reflection and while watching an episode of Girls Meets World about conflict in the background.

Aug 10

Fuck you. You’re a fucking douchebag. I am better than you.

And I deserve better friends than you.

I can’t believe I ever though you were one of the nice guys. You’re not. Don’t delude yourself. You’re nothing like Collin. You’re not half the man that Robyn is, and she has no balls.

I would guess that neither do you, considering how you couldn’t even tell me that you had other plans, instead of moving in together. I can’t believe I thought that was a decent idea to begin with. People tried to warn me, but I always tried to see the good side. Here, three weeks later, I find out that you simply split the city altogether–without telling the person who was busting her ass to move and get you accepted as a tenant in the duplex you were supposed to share.

Nice, real nice.

But it’s not just that. Let’s face it: I was giving you chances time and time again, long after anyone thought you deserved them. When we made plans to do things, when you said you’d give me a ride there, you never showed. You didn’t answer your phone or reply to texts. I should have seen this coming, but I didn’t. I thought that a little bit of kindness meant you were a kind person, but it didn’t. And you have no right to call yourself a nice guy. You just aren’t.

You’re unreliable. You’re not there for your friends. I only heard from you when it was convenient. You were bored, you need my advice, you wanted a favor–and I was there. I was always there, and I as concerned for you as a friend. You never gave me anything of the sort in return.

Time after time, you broke a little piece of my heart. You made me angry. You made me cry, but I forgave you. I swear I saw the sensitive nice guy underneath, but I was wrong. He’s not there. There’s nothing there.

No more. No more chances. No more stress. No more blowing me off. No more running away, like a coward, with your tail tucked between your legs. No more am I one of the people who you will hurt.

You are the epitome of every man, no every person who has ever hurt me. You represent every asshole who pretended to be a nice guy. You can’t fool me, and I bet, given enough time, you won’t fool your new girl, either. She’ll see right through you, and soon she’ll come to the same conclusion.

This is it. Life goes on, without you, because there’s no room for someone like you in my life.

Mar 20

looking at you through the glass

people piss me off. people suck. they are fake. if i were to compile a reason why i can’t live with people, they’d lock me up. FUCK people! fuck them all. -shakes head* the song on really annoying, but i recognize the voice, and know the artist is good. weird. i have tests every day this week, except for today. TWO on thursday. -sigh*

do you know how much i cannot stand it when people start talking about how happy they are with their insignificant other when all i can think is i miss randy. it’s not that i miss being in a relationship, i just miss him, a lot.

and then, if i sigh, if i have a depressing icon, or if my msn name is self emotional mutilation, why the fuck don’t people pick up on these things?!?! they’re my little ways of saying ‘hello, i’m not happy. be a friend.’ either they’re not working, or no one will be my friend. -shrugs*

what’s the difference anymore? this is really pissing me off!

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