Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Apr 06

It’s Okay

Things are okay now. They were quite trying for this past week or so. First, there’s that monthly visit that I never know when to expect thanks to my IUD. Then, my computer began acting up at an alarming rate and my attempts to fix it (updating the BIOS, first, then reinstalling Windows) either were no help at all, proved more difficult than intended or actually made things worse. Computer problems really make me worry because a) I spent so much on it and b) I need my computer in order to make money so that I can pay rent and feed the cats and, you know, live. Although my computer is currently performing at a less than ideal state, it’s workable so there’s that. I’ll be enlisting the help of one of my geeky friends to completely reformat and re-do the partitions on Thursday so, hopefully, that’ll cover everything.

Then there’s taxes.. which I really put off because I was afraid of how much I was going to have to pay. Such is the life of a freelance writer. Self employment kind of sucks in that way. So I stressed over making the appointment, which they then had to change, so I stressed for a few more days. Luckily, it’s all over with (except for the envelope that I have to mail to the state) and the total was less than anticipated. But, wow! The fees I paid to H&R block were just ridiculous. Sure, they’ll file your federal return for free but I paid over $235 because of my self employment. Eesh. =/ It definitely helped me to pay less for taxes so it’s worth it but it’s an outstanding amount nonetheless.

Besides those really big things that have had me on edge, I’ve had some unexpected issues arise. Last night I went to grab my earbuds to listen to my music and–lo and behold!–I grabbed pieces of them. Literally. One of the cats chewed them them completely in multiple spots. Now, if you’ve been following my review blog, you’ll see I’ve purchased quite a few sets already this year due to cats as well as shorting out. Today, I had the opportunity to purchase my seventh pair in three months.

To add to my frustration, the chain to my favorite necklace is missing. It as last on the bathroom counter and I suspect that some furry one knocked it down the drain. This isn’t an end of the world situation but I find myself frequently having to replace necklace chains. It’s hard for me to find one that I like because the ones I like are just the basic chains that come with pendants. They’re not really meant to be sold. The chain from this necklace, specifically, was an antique and a bit heavier than you tend to find these days as well.

And so, I’ve spent the last few days being grumpy physically uncomfortable, anxiety-ridden and probably not much fun to be around. I really wanted to blog about it but I guess I didn’t want to ruin my “winning” streak. You see, it’s become important to me that others see me as happy, that I see myself as happy and sometimes I feel like setbacks such as this past week mean I have completely and utterly failed and to speak of them would make that failure real and I would have to accept that I just can’t do this (“this” meaning being happy and well adjusted) and I should just resign myself to a life of misery. Spelled out like that, I know it’s pretty silly. I also know that resisting the fact that I’m feeling unhappy also makes me feel worse. Sometimes I just need someone to tell me that I can feel like that, sometimes, and it doesn’t equate to unequivocal failure. But sometimes I need people to be able to read my mind to tell me that because, obviously, if talking about the negative is what’s bothering me, I can’t do that.

The good news is that, while some days every happy thing seems to come with a bad thing, the worst has blown over. I listened to some music. I feel better. I am confident everything will work out and less stressed about everything. Some of my issues are already resolved and I’m not in such a dire position that I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope I reach it sooner rather than later.

One comment on “It’s Okay”

  1. *hugs* hope you feel better soon

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