Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Jun 29

I’m bad

And not like Michael Jackson – may he RIP. (Somehow I think it will be the first time he’s found peace). But bad at updating. I don’t to be one of those people who apologizes, whose only posts on their blog are about their lack of blogging. So I won’t. Instead I’ll talk about my last blog post.

It came on the heals of news that several of my friends are abroad for various reasons and, admittedly, I felt a rather sharp pang of jealousy. The idea of heading into the real world once more is frightening, especially in the current economic conditions. I worry that the Air Force is the only chance we’ll ever have to do anything and I don’t want to throw that chance away. Despite the fact that we lived in Japan, it wasn’t something I wanted to do or someplace I wanted to be.

In some ways I feel like my life plans are even further behind and/or unattainable because I married so young. All these friends of mine have graduated within the last year or so and are still single and that makes things so much easier. Of course, I would likely feel the same regret had Ryan and I not married. I guess there’s just not helping that but it still sucks sometimes to think about it.

Anyway, after discussing things with Ryan, we decided to stay the course of the plan we chose. It won’t be the life I left, but that doesn’t have to be bad, either. It’s a risk to take but it would also be a risk of he stayed in and we have no guarantee that any of the things which are causing us misery now would change. In my head, the idea of him staying in mostly sounded good only if certain things happen and, in reality, we just can’t control those things.

I don’t know if I feel any better but at least we’ve made our decision and I have a goal, of sorts. And if things really go bad, he can always reenlist and then we can say we tried, at least.


2 comments on “I’m bad”

  1. eva

    you are not a bad person. it’s all right to have doubts. it’s all right to look at others and wonder what your life might have been like if you made their decisions instead of your own. when rachel came into the bakery awhile back and told me that robyn graduated, for example, whereas i myself dropped out of school to become a kept woman… well… i felt pretty weird for awhile. but you’re an awesome person and your life is going to turn out good, it might not seem like it right now, but just wait. i’m not saying that because of some false positivity, i’m saying it because you wound up an intelligent, resourceful, confident and practical woman. oh, and it will be nice to see you once and awhile.

    whoa… i sounded more preachy than i meant to there. sorry. XD

  2. @eva: Well, I meant bad at blogging frequently d=

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