Ways In Which I’m Better Than Donald Trump

• I’m hotter
• I’m funnier
• I have more genuine friends
• I have better hair
• …and a better face
• I’m more honest
• I have more compassion for other people

I also think it’s a safe bet that I have lower cholesterol and blood pressure and that my life expectancy will be longer than his.

In fact, as far as I can tell, the only way in which Mr. Trump bests me is that he was born with more money and has a more moneyed network than I was. Even with that taking into consideration, I still think I have a better shot at a presidency than him.

Sorry, Trumps.