Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole
Sep 10

Dear Parents

Please, do not give your child a ridiculous name! If, as a moronic teen, your spawn desires to be known as “Muney”, “Turtle”, “@Man” or something else completely half-assed, let him because, even if the decision is stupid, he is choosing for himself. But before then, be considerate enough to chose a name that will not embarrass him and everyone around him.

I know it may be temping but resist the urge to call your kid something which will result in a lifetime of torment. Now, I know that many common and accepted names haven’t always been popular or even considered names; everything has to start somewhere but some trend just should not ever (have) start(ed).

I can be lenient about some things: seasons, for one, and names steeped in tradition – whether it be familial, religious or ethnic, no matter how awkward they may be – but some trespassed I will not forgive. To avoid years of therapy for your child and evil glares in your direction, keep in mind these (not so flexible) guidelines:

Use only alphabetic characters
Not alpha-numeric; although, I don’t care which alphabet you choose from as long as it is an actual alphabet (Good thing his name isn’t “4real” anymore, right?)

Never use name brands
Your kid should not be named Mattel or – God forbid – Chevy and as much as I love Mt. Dew, it’s a soda, not a person

Avoid most nouns
We seem to be stuck with Cats and Kittys but nouns such as the aforementioned soda and other admonishable names such as secret and tower are things not names.

Beware the creative spellings
To use unique spellings of common names, the name origin should not be difficult to pinpoint (is it really necessary to call her “EmmaLeigh?”) and the name should not become difficult to spell also…

Names should be pronounceable
Creative names or spellings of common names should be reasonable enough that a perfect stranger should understand it without needing explanation and while you may switch up a letter here or double a letter there, please…

Keep length in mind
Some long names are reasonable (Christopher or Alexandria for example) and some long names are just plain stupid: Marekeiya Autiyunnah, for example. Don’t do that to your poor kid!

Do not blatantly copy infamous names
No matter how you look at it, we know why you’re naming your kid “Clark Kent” or Lestat. We also know it’s not original and (as your kid will come to know) your child will never live up to that ideal. Way to set him up to lose.

Do not set impossible goals with names
When someone says a child’s name, their personality should come to mind; the name should not shape the personality so anything which puts your child on an unrealistic pedestal (Jesus, Caesar, Prince/Princess, Bishop) or represents a certain characteristic or ideal which isn’t automatically obtained by birth (Malice, Spite, Superman), will cause your child to either have a damned hard time trying to suit his/her name or have a planet-sized ego because of it.
Remember, your child will be special no matter his name
So, for God’s sake, don’t give him a dumb name!

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