Decorative Flower
Her Realm, Personal website and blog of Cole

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere
disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad
that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still
parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a
steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have
mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only irritating
your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity
pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime someone walks by you gag because their cologne reminds you of the
random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer
86’d you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your
bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards.
You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of
diet coke – yet you haven’t peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has
given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that
can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving. Girls,
it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your
eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a
reject from the class picture of Revere High, ’76.

Five Star Hangover (*****) aka “Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell”

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners
of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty
good right now. You definitely don’t remember who you were with, where you
were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your
bed at your house.

Six Star Hangover (******) otherwise known as the “Infinite Nutsmacker”

You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the
ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the
bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your
roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up before you the
next morning… You try to lift your head. Not an option. It is when you
turn your head too quickly only to smell the funk of 13 packs of
cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but
not ultra lights… Some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked
them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to
see remnants of the stamp “Ready to Rock” faintly atop your forehead…
That explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically
appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in
t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of
wearing is your “hello kitty” pajamas and your slippers.

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